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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
07-01-03, 07:11 AM #3001
Is this a burger which I see before me,
The soft bun in my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I eat thee not, and yet I want thee still.
Art thou not, gourmet's vision, sensible
To taste as to sight? or art thou but
A burger of the mind, a false dinner,
Proceeding from the meat-oppressed stomach?
I see thee yet, in form as palatable
As this cracker which now I chew.
Thou nourish'st me on the way that I was going,
And such condiments I was to use!
Mine mouth are made the fools o' the other senses,
The calories worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy plate and Happy Meals of fat,
Which was not so before. There's no such food:
It is the bloody diet which informs
Thus to mine eyes. Now o'er the Weight Watchers
Tastebuds seem dead, and raw salads abuse
The growling bowels; famished celebrate
Jenny Craig's offerings, and wither'd hunger,
Alarum'd by his sentinel, the bathroom scale,
Laughs as it watches, thus with his mocking numbers.
With Hamburglar's ravishing strides, towards his goal
I move like a ghost. Thou warm and delicious beef,
Hear not my teeth, which way they chew, for fear
My very swallows prate of my gluttony,
And take the present mirror from the room,
When now suits do not fit. Whiles I starve, he lives:
Buffets to the heat of charbroiled chicken gives.
[A bell rings.]
I go, and it is done; the microwave bell invites me.
Hear it not, Tongue; for it is a knell
That summons thy mouth to heaven and thy body to hell.
07-01-03, 07:12 AM #3002
Translation from English to corporate
Top executive of Big Construction Company:
Give me a brief summary of what is currently being done on the site.
Middle level manager:
Here... this fellow in the yellow hard hat is one of our employees, Paddy O'Hara, and talking to him is the foreman, Washington Smith. Mr. Smith requests that Mr. O'Hara take this long pipe and carry it to that corner of the site, motivating his request with the fact that Mr. O'Hara has been in intimate relationship with his own mother, whereas Mr. O'Hara refuses to carry the pipe, motivating his refusal with the fact that he is currently in intimate relationships with the pipe, with Mr. Smith, with the construction site, and with Big Construction Company.
07-01-03, 07:13 AM #3003
SUBJ: College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.
07-01-03, 07:14 AM #3004
A Blonde (male) joke I hadn't heard before.
Q: Why do blondes have bruises around their belly button?
A: Because there are blond guys, too.
07-01-03, 07:15 AM #3005
Which Condom to Choose?
Which Condom would you use....
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey--you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
07-01-03, 07:16 AM #3006
The Art of Deception...It's Good to be a Marine
An Army Ranger Platoon was on patrol when the Lieutenant noticed a lone Marine standing on a hilltop in their area.
The Lieutenant told two of his soldiers to go take out the Marine, so they dropped their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could toward him.
Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The two soldiers followed.
For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air.
Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Rangers.
The infuriated Lieutenant called for a squad to go get the Marine. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The Ranger Squad followed, and for the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying all over the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Rangers once again.
By now the Lieutenant was really hot. Determined that the Rangers were superior to one lone Marine, he ordered the rest of the Platoon to attack the Marine.
With blood in their eyes, the Platoon attacked the hill. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The blood thirsty soldiers followed. For many minutes there were horrific screams and dust flying in the air. This went on for approximately twenty minutes. Finally, one lone soldier came crawling back to the Lieutenant, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His uniform was torn, with cuts all over his body.
The Lieutenant asked for a report. The lone soldier, trying to catch his breath, replied in a forceful and trembling voice; Sir,...run,...it's a trick....
There's TWO of them!!"
07-01-03, 07:16 AM #3007
Marines and sailors take a train
Three Marines and three sailors are traveling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the three navy men each buy tickets and watch as the three Marines buy only a single ticket. "How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a sailors. "Watch and you’ll see," answers a Marine. They all board the train. The sailors take their respective seats but all three Marines cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The sailors see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Marines on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Marines don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed navy men.
"Watch and you’ll see," answers a Marine. When they board the train the three Marines cram into a bathroom and the three sailors cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Marines leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the sailors are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
07-01-03, 10:54 AM #3008
This afternoon I decided to go to a local restaurant in uniform because I had to hurry back to assume Staff Duty. Arrogant and selfish are the words that came to mind as I noticed a Black Mercedes taking up two parking spaces at Boston Market restaurant.
After entering the restaurant, I noticed a gentlemen kept focusing on me. As I paid for my meal the gentlemen began to approach me. It did not take long for me to recognize him as none other that former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe. He started a conversation with me asking the same questions you might expect from an curious, impressionable teenager; how long had I been in, my title, did I like the Marine Corps (you know the answer was a resounding yes). After shaking his hands and departing I could not help but feel that he was more impressed with me than I was with him. Upon passing by the Black Mercedes on my way out, I thought; "nice Mercedes"!
cost of chicken dinner with four sides: $9.20
cost of the Black Mercedes: more than $60,000.00
feeling of knowing not everyone can be a Marine: PRICELESS
07-02-03, 09:24 PM #3009
"Tight Mini Skirt"
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop,a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus,she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the buses first step. So slightly embarrased and with a quick smile to the bus driver,she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.So, a little more embarrased she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay,she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.So with a coy little smile to the driver,she again unzipped the skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time a big Texan was behind her in the line and easily picked her up around the waist and set her gently on the bus step. The young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be-hero,screeching at him,"How dare you touch my body,I don't even know who you are!" At this time the Texan drawed, "Well ma'am,normally I would agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times,I kind of figured that we was friends."
07-03-03, 05:26 AM #3010
Some driving humor
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too s--- faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a d---head all day long.
07-03-03, 05:27 AM #3011
Classic tale retold
Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.
The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."
The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.
07-03-03, 05:28 AM #3012
Where I work we have a policy of posting all notices in bilingual format, English and French.
The other day someone sent the following notice to all workers by e-mail:
* English: Disregard the fire alarm today. Technicians are working on *
* the system and there will be a lot of audible tests. *
* French: La meme chose.
07-03-03, 05:29 AM #3013
Does Jordan make enough?
The following came through a long sequence of forwardings, but managed to retain an attribution: Kathy Dysert firstname.lastname@example.org
Here's something that came to my husband with some other information.
AND HERE IS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:
Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game.
Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see Independence Day, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Seinfeld.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 days.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.
He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student 5200 packages of Ramen.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run,
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.
And something to cheer you up after all of this... Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
07-03-03, 05:30 AM #3014
MIT Student & Harvard
There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
07-03-03, 05:31 AM #3015
How to find the driver's state !!
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone in lap, brick on accelerator: California*
* with gun also in lap: L.A.
Both hands on top of wheel, one foot on brake, watching pedestrians cross against the light: San Francisco
One hand on the wheel, one hand drumming (with drum stick) on the dash board, Lap top on top of the Dashboard, left foot tapping, right foot on the accelerator, head bobbing from side to side: Silicon Valley, listening to KEZR
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in Boston.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
Both hands praying to Gates, knee on wheel, cradling cell phone in lap, foot on brake, mind on Win95 GUI: Seattle
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with New York plates.
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