Chuckles of the Day...

[Barrio_rat]

A new patch for the "dog faces" in the army to wear while on patrol in Iraq...

[Roberto T. Cast]

Yea Barrio Rat. That is " A Hunting We Will Go".

Semper Fi

[thedrifter]

Actual pick-up attempt


His shoelaces are hardly ever untied
Doesn't pick his nose in public
Has never put a red shirt in with the whites
Was not directly responsible for the Holocaust
When getting off an elevator at a 20+ story building, he doesn't push all the buttons so everyone has to stop at every floor
Elvis is dead and Bob Saget is married; who's left?
Reads National Geographic, and not just for the nude pictures of African gorillas
His cat seems to like him
Hasn't wet his bed for at least two weeks now
Has his own 'Captain Kirk' coffee mug
Always keeps his printer paper well-stocked
Doesn't turn into a werewolf during full moons
He hardly ever slurps when drinking soup
Knows the capital of Eritrea
Always manages to resist the urge to poke sharp objects into his ear on the first date
Is very proficient at whistling the French national anthem
Is only mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle he began in 1981
He is not an alien from another dimension bent on World destruction
Played no part in the Cuban Missile Crisis
Has never been Captain of, nor been aboard, the Exxon Valdez
Very rarely has homicidal tendencies
Makes excellent use of his spare time
DOES NOT OVERUSE THE CAPSLOCK KEY
He subscribes to the theory that the world is round
He does not make fun of Boutros-Boutros Ghali's name unnecessarily
Is mixing up 'dessert' and 'desert' less and less every day
He found Waldo
Has never passed out on any world leader's front lawn
Has never been fired by George Steinbrenner
Cried at the end of John Steinbeck's 'Of Mice and Men'
Has never found rude shapes in clouds
Tries not to giggle when he cuts one
Has never blatantly misused a blender
Rarely blacks out for more than a few seconds
Makes a real effort not to spit when he talks
Owns the Led Zeppelin box set and makes copies for his friends
Doesn't scrape his vegetables onto his grandmother's plate when no one is looking
Wears male undergarments
Has never been struck by lightning while simultaneously being hit by a falling meteorite
Is an accomplished tv-watcher
Has never been involved in the shipment of plutonium to Germany
Has never opened fire on an innocent group of unarmed people
Did not mastermind Julius Caeser's death; that was Cassius
Owns issues 1-34 of Starman comics in near mint condition
Has Patrick Roy's autograph
Had no trouble committing his phone number to memory
Regularly gets the high score on "Super Mario Bros."
Rarely stares directly at the sun
Has never dumped in his pants while sliding into 2nd base
Has never broken into a bear's home and eaten all his porridge
Has never given the bird to a lady over age 60
So far, has never resorted to cannibalism
Has never exploited the tradition of mistletoe to kiss his aunt
Never stares at someone's wart for more than 2-3 minutes
Has never caused a traffic accident because he was fixing his make-up
Has no communicable diseases
No tyrannical system of government is named after him
Has no plans to ever give the Pope a wedgie
Was completely uninvolved in the trade that sent Doug Gilmour away for Gary Leeman
Never rings doorbells and then runs away before they answer
Hard as it may be to believe, he has never lost a pole vault competition
Never forgets his bug spray when going out into the woods
Has never pulled the football away from Charlie Brown
Very rarely ties cans to a cat's tail
Hardly ever referred to as 'infernal'
Has never suffered from lockjaw
Recognizes Xenon as a noble gas
Excellent at compiling purposeless lists
Would give up his appendix for the right woman
Great with kids; even better with roast beef
Holds the record for the highest spot on the cafeteria wall he got his cheese to stick to in grade six.
Has never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club
The part he played in the bombing of Hiroshima is largely exagerated
Has never gambled away a girlfriend in Las Vegas, as well as many other places in the world
Has managed so far not to decapitate himself
Gets fewer and fewer 'ice-cream headaches'
Wouldn't smoke nor drink while pregnant
Has always managed to avoid being a victim of a 'piledriver'
Has never locked himself in a car
Has never played a mean trick on Smokey the Bear
Does not use cruel mouse traps
Has never let Frank Sinatra down
Contrary to popular belief, does not comb his hair with a fork
Has never attempted to dance naked in a Jerry Lewis Telethon
Very rarely has delusions of God
Never placed a bet with Pete Rose
It's been over a year since he last got his neck tangled in a telephone cord
Can sing "Frere Jacques" much better than Jean-Luc Picard
Rarely eats paste between meals
Is not the ominous voice in Mortal Kombat which says 'FINISH HIM!' just before a fatality
Usually remembers to take the shell off of an egg before eating it
Tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week
Was nowhere near the grassy knoll November 3rd 1963
Often resists the powerful temptation to shave rude swear words in his hair
And when he just can't resist, it's usually shaved somewhere where you can't see it
Has managed to overcome a long-lasting desire to clean toasters in a bath-tub
At Speedy, he's a somebody
At a touch of a button, can have a pizza delivered to him personally in under 30 minutes
Unlike Vincent Van Gogh, would not chop off his ear for a girl
Enjoys better table manners than John Belushi
Is (marginally) more popular with feminists than Rush Limbaugh
If it came right down to it, he could beat the pants off of Steven Hawking in a fair fight
Would never forget to clean the microwave after having placed a small rodent inside
The rumours of his involvement in the Chernobyl crisis are mostly unfounded
No longer bears a grudge against Santa Claus for failing to deliver an automatic rifle in Christmas of '80
It is increasingly rare that he makes obscene phone calls to Bea Arthur
Come on, he's not that much of an eyesore!
Is not fooled when given poisoned candy on Halloween from his mother
Refuses to play 'let's hide grandma's teeth'
Can be easily entertained for hours with simple, one-piece toys
The sources which publicized his involvement in the Iran-Contra scandal were unreliable
As of yet, has never overlooked the importance of regular, continuous breathing
There is a refreshing absense of monsters under his bed these days
Has never smuggled tinker toys onto an international flight
Nevers pees in someone else's sink
His picking a fight with an inanimate object is quite uncommon
Is heterosexual, unmarried and has a pulse
Give me 118 reasons why she shouldn't

[thedrifter]

Santa's checkride


Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

[thedrifter]

3 guys applying to the CIA...


Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail."

The next guy comes in. The diresctor tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director says, "you fail."

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus(glass breaking, funiture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."

[thedrifter]

You've Read Oedipus The King...


Lesser Known Sequels of the Classics
------------------------------------


Metamorphosis II
Gregor Samsa goes through another mystical transformation, this time from a giant cockroach into a lounge singer. The few people who still felt any compassion for him are now totally repulsed, and he moves away to Vegas.


Taming of the Shrew II: Who's the Shrew?
The antics begin when Petruchio and Katherine's daughter Bianca (named after her aunt) comes of age and turns out to be quite a shrew herself. Katherine at first tries to convince her daughter that good manners are the right way, then turns back to shrewishness herself to show her daughter how unattractive it can be. This all builds to the hilarious climactic scene, where Petruchio beats them both into submission with an ax handle.


Huck Finn II
Huck has grown up and propspered as a certified public accountant. He decides he likes civilzation after all, though he never does take to wearing shoes, thus his nickname, the "barefoot bookkeeper." Jim leaves the Indians and gets his law degree, and eventually defends the King and Duke who are up on a racketeering charge.


Lysistrata II
Once again, Lysistrata convinces the women of Athens to boycott sex, this time to convince the men not to lay around and watch wrestling on Sundays. Cinesias tries to convince Myrrhine to lie with him while watching wrestling, but she teases him and then refuses. Some of the men try goats, but decide they don't like them. Eventually the men give in.


The Farther Adventures of Robinson Crusoe
Robinson Crusoe uses the money he inherited from the Brazilian plantation to start up a small cruise company. One day while taking out five passengers on a three hour tour to the Isle of Wight, a storm breaks out. He and his first mate Friday (a mighty sailing man) do their best, but lose control of the boat. Eventually, it crashes on a deserted island. The rest of the book describes the antics that occur when they almost get rescued several times, but Friday screws it up each time.


Undeath of a Salesman
Willy Loman comes back from the dead as a vampire. His hypnotic control over his customers reestablishes his life as a salesman. He convinces Biff (no relation to B1FF) to go into professional football, where he becomes a big star but loses respect for his father when he does an advertizement for nylons.


The Divine Tragedy
In this controversial sequel, Dante travels through New York City, Billings (Montana), and Salt Lake City. The controversy is over the origin. Joseph Smith claimed that Dante dictated this book to him in dreams, which literary critics have shown a lot of skepticism about.


The Bible II
Of the Dead Sea Scrolls, these were the only ones that were deliberately lost. They recount the tale of how Jesus descended back out of Heaven and became a lounge singer. Even his staunchest followers deserted him for this, and when Peter finally left he moved to Vegas and got a regular gig at the Tropicana changing water into wine.

[thedrifter]

Reply to Wile E. Coyote v. ACME Company suit


UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT OF ARIZONA



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WILE E. COYOTE, :
Plaintiff :
:
v. : CIVIL ACTION NO. B19294
:
ACME COMPANY, :
Defendant :

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




OPENING STATEMENT OF ARTHUR B. FUDDLE, ESQUIRE,
COUNSEL FOR DEFENDANT


By Mr. Fuddle:

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury: the opening statement you have just heard from Mr. Schoff on behalf of the plaintiff, Wile E. Coyote, paints an incomplete picture of what occurred on the occasions when Mr. Coyote claims he was injured by ACME products.

The evidence will clearly show that my client, ACME Products Corp., a Division of Dangerously Innovative Products and Patents Incorporated (or "DIPPI") is not at fault in this matter, and that any injuries sustained by the plaintiff were clearly caused by his own negligence, assumption of the risk and/or misuse of the products.

Now, we have all seen the footage on television of the plaintiff withstanding various injuries which appear to be caused by ACME's products. You have seen over and over the tape of a hapless coyote being bludgeoned by a boulder as he is helplessly trapped by his ACME Spring Loaded Shoes. We have all seen the photographs taken at Warner Memorial Hospital of Mr. Coyote in a very small incubator, on life support, as his doctors attempt to straighten out the accordion-like folds from his body. We have all seen the gruesome images of the operation in which Dr. Tazmanian D. Devil whirls like a dervish, obscuring his features and creating a starry, "dust cloud" effect, while numerous limbs holding various surgical instruments swiftly repair the nerve damage to Mr. Coyote's extremities.

It is normal for any human being to feel pity, horror, and even anger at such images. I want you to put those images aside for the moment, because they paint an incomplete picture. What the media has not disclosed to you, and what you will see in this courtroom, are various attempts at murder committed by the plaintiff - attempts which, fortunately, failed - while using my client's products. As the plaintiff readily admits, he is a predator, and his sole function in life is to track down and kill an innocent, highway traversing ornithoid.

You see, ladies and gentleman, while the plaintiff is a natural predator, he is not a very good one. His own skills were inadequate to complete the task at hand, so he chose to seek the aid of various devices to effectuate his diabolical schemes. He looked in a catalogue, saw my client's products, and ordered them in the hope that they would assist him in killing his prey.

But ladies and gentleman, ACME's products are not meant to cause intentional harm to anyone. The plaintiff has taken what were designed as amusements, toys for the young and feebleminded, and has twisted their use to his own purposes.

But I digress. Let us examine the plaintiff's claims and how the evidence clearly refutes the proposition that ACME is responsible for any harm sustained by the plaintiff.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13 he received an ACME Rocked Sled, that he attempted to use said rocket sled to pursue his prey, and that, upon igniting the sled, it accelerated with "sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet."

There are several reasons why ACME cannot be held responsible for any injuries caused by this incident. First, the warning label attached conspicuously to the inside of the left front tire of the sled clearly stated, and I quote: "WARNING: IGNITION OF THIS DEVICE AT FULL THROTTLE MAY CAUSE SUDDEN AND PRECIPITATE FORCE AS TO STRETCH USER'S FORELIMBS TO A LENGTH OF UP TO SIXTY FEET, OR MAY CAUSE DEATH." That the plaintiff suffered so little as a result of his carelessness can be attributed only to Providence.

Second, Arizona law is clear on this point: a plaintiff who is found to be violating any law whose purpose is safety at the time of his injury is contributorily negligent *per se*. There is ample evidence that Mr. Coyote was violating both the laws of gravity and inertia at the time of this incident, and thus he is responsible for his own woes.

I could list many more examples of Mr. Coyote's negligent conduct in connection with his use of ACME's products, but you will hear all about them as the trial goes on. You will also hear the following evidence:


You will hear the plaintiff himself testify that, prior to the injuries complained of in this accident, he has suffered numerous injuries. As an example, on one occasion prior to the use of any ACME product, the plaintiff cornered his prey on the edge of a rather thin precipice. Taking an ordinary saw, the plaintiff began cutting away so that the edge of the cliff, with his prey on it, would drop some 1500 feet to a jagged, rocky destruction. Instead, by some inexplicable twist of fate the edge of the cliff remained standing while the whole mountain, on which the plaintiff was standing, plummeted to the bottom of the ravine, causing numerous injuries which affect the plaintiff to this day.
On another occasion, Mr. Coyote was chasing his prey and followed it off of the edge of a cliff onto thin air, not realizing until too late that his prey, a bird, could remain in the air almost indefinitely while he, a canine, could not. As a result, he fell yet again, suffering even further severe and debilitating injuries which predate the injuries complained of in this action.
You will also hear the testimony of Mr. Road Runner, the plaintiff's prey and the true victim in this tragedy. Mr. Runner has been forced to live a nomadic lifestyle as a result of Mr. Coyote's unwanted attention, preventing him from forming any type of long term relationships. Numerous restraining orders had no effect. Mr. Runner has also suffered numerous psychological problems as a result of Mr. Coyote's actions, including but not limited to an inability to trust anyone who provides him with bird seed, a necessary ingredient in his daily nutritional schedule.
You will also hear from a witness to many of the incidents alleged in plaintiff's complaint, a colorful local prospector with red hair and moustache who has been known to proclaim: "No rootin' tootin' coyote can outsmart Yosemite Sam on any day of the week!" Don't be fooled by his gruff manner and twin pearl-handled six-shooters, he's a pussycat.
Customer service records of defendant ACME, which we were forced to produce in this matter, clearly show that none of the complaints registered by ACME's customers nation-wide have ever resulted in criminal convictions of the officers of the corporation.
Finally, videotape evidence will demonstrate that plaintiff faked many of his injuries, setting out to create performances especially for a jury such as yourself. On numerous occasions he would "mug" for the camera, as if he was well aware beforehand that he was being taped. For instance, during the "Rocked Sled" incident, as his forelimbs were stretched out ahead of him and his body remained behind, he looked straight into the camera with a forlorn, tired expression, as if to say: "look at how terrible my situation is, can you guess what's going to happen to me now." This jury is too smart to fall for such petty theatrics.
In summary, ladies and gentlemen, it will be clear to you from the evidence that ACME's products, if used properly, will cause only minimal injuries to a user and his loved ones. The plaintiff in this case has brought his troubles upon himself by adopting his carnivorous lifestyle. As others have so adequately uttered: "Live by the Super Slick Jet Propulsion Automated Explosive Metal-Shearing Heat-Seeking Laser-Guided Razor-Edged Boomerang, die by the Super Slick, etc."

I ask you, on behalf of my client, to dismiss the plaintiff's claims against it.

[thedrifter]

"Do not operate heavy machinery while wearing..."


OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:


Pull garment on over head, placing arms through appropriate openings.
Finish with label at back of collar with design facing out. _Fashion note - tail can be worn out for casual or tucked in for formal_
Wear shirt to pre-determined occasion. _Important note - remove all tags or labels, such as this one, before wearing in public_
After shirt is sufficiently soiled, place in washing machine (note - for best results remove shirt)
Leave the shirt just the way you removed it - inside out. Wash warm water/cool rinse.
_Note - Xtreme shirts are NOT underwear - don't let your mother throw it in hot water, and keep her away from the bleach_
Dry on low heat, air or line dry.
Return garment to right-side out and repeat step 1.

[thedrifter]

Bar scene


A guy walks into a bar. He sees an attractive person of the opposite gender and walks up to her. He said, "Hey, can I buy you a drink?" The gal stands up walks to the middle of the room and shouts, "WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A PROSTITUTE?" She storms out of the bar, and the guy, face completely red, orders a beer and sat in a dark corner. A few minutes later, the girl returns and came up to the guy. She says, "I'm sorry about that. I'm psychology major and I was just testing to see your reaction to what I just said." Then the guy stands up and walks to the middle of the bar and shouts, "FIFTY DOLLARS?" :-)

[thedrifter]

The Colonel won't be proud...


The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

[thedrifter]

Humor in Lawsuits

*** Names have been changed to protect all parties. ***


Q I hate to be nosy, but how old are you?
A Forty-three. That's okay. You're nosy
enough. You might as well put that in.

* * * * * * * *

Q Did she appear to be in any pain? In
other words, just looking at her, did she look like
she was hurting?
A She's so ugly it looks like she hurts
all the time.

* * * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: I object to that as being a
question impossible to answer; outside this
person's expertise; and I don't know what it
means.

* * * * * * * *

DEF ATT: I object to that as being an
improper question and this man cannot answer
the question.
PLTF ATT: Go sit on it.

* * * * * * * *

Q What happened in that accident?
A I was going around the corner and it was
wet and rainy outside, and I kind of slid down an
embankment and went into some bushes.
Q Were the police called out to that?
A A state trooper came out. And he gave me
a careless driving ticket because he told me he had
to give me a ticket. I didn't fight it, because it
was my word against the bushes, I guess you could
say.

* * * * * * * *

THE WITNESS: The relevant question here
is--
ATTORNEY 1: Well, why don't you let
her ask a question?
ATTORNEY 2: Let her ask--
THE WITNESS: I thought you did. Okay.
ATTORNEY 3: I thought I did, too.
ATTORNEY 1: Well, I don't know what it is.
ATTORNEY 3: The witness does, and I do.
THE WITNESS: What's your question?

* * * * * * * *

Q Dr. Smith, how are you--
A Just fine.
Q Pardon?
A Just fine. I'm ready to go.
Q Okay. Great. How are you employed?

* * * * * * * *

A You've got to figure I'm a pretty
conservative lady. This is the first concert I had
ever been to.
Q Of any kind?
A Well, I take that back. I went to Jerry
Lee Lewis when I was 16 years old.
Q There was no shooting at that concert,
was there?
A No. A whole lot of shaking going on, but
no shooting.

* * * * * * * *

Q What was your attorney's name?
A It was John Smith, right here in Tampa.
LAWYER 1: Right out the window.
THE WITNESS: Right. So what I'm
getting--
LAWYER 2: Let the record be clear that
Mr. Smith is not hanging out the window.
THE WITNESS: I don't know. Knowing
John, he could be.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is that the only license you hold?
A I have a marriage license.
Q You're not a realtor or a plumber or
anything else like that?
A No. They don't require a license to have
children, which they should.

* * * * * * * *

A Well, I have never heard of anything like
that, but I suppose any help at the time would have
been a help.

* * * * * * * *

Q And the serratus anterior nerve that--
or the nerves that go to it, where do they come
from?
A The neck, the cervical region.
Q From the cervical region?
A Yes.
Q And did you do any examination of his
cervical--of his cervix--to determine if there
was any problem with his nerves going through his
neck?
A He doesn't have a cervix, but, yes, I
examined the biceps.

* * * * * * * *

Q How long have you been married to her?
A Nineteen years.
Q Is that your only marriage?
A Yes, it is, that I know of.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you recall discussing with John
Smith that if you were in a deposition or
anything like that and you don't want to give the
right answer, all you have to say is, "I don't know.
I don't recall"?
A No. I don't remember.

* * * * * * * *

Q No one went with you from Foobar to assist
you. Correct?
A It seems to me--not from Foobar. Like I
said, it was a long time ago. I mean, my memory is as
short as my peter.

* * * * * * * *

A Obsessive-compulsive symptoms: Sometimes
checks his own activities. Suicidal and homicidal
ideations: Sometimes he has suicidal ideations
regarding his car or truck every couple of days,
particularly following contact with his attorney.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you recall if you had any alcohol or
anything to drink prior to the concert?
A Yes, I did.
Q What did you have, if you remember?
A I think I had a Fuzzy Navel.
Q You ought to have a doctor look at that.
Just kidding.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you consider him to be competent in
that area?
A I don't know. I don't have any basis to
remark about the competency of his engineering. I
do know he's dead.

* * * * * * * *

A There are very few production places in
North Dakota.
ATTORNEY: Generally speaking, there
are very few places in North Dakota.

* * * * * * * *

Q And where does sandblasting fit in your
scale of being a prestigious job? Do you think
that's a prestigious job?
A Yes, sir.
Q Okay. More so than working in a
factory, I guess.
A Yes, sir.
Q Everybody's entitled to their opinion, I
guess. I don't know. Maybe you're right.
MR. JONES: Ranks above lawyers.
MR. SMITH: Yeah, I bet.
MR. JONES: Because everybody does
that.
MR. SMITH: Yeah.

* * * * * * * *

MR. SMITH: If I could just have a
one-minute break sometime, whenever you feel
you're--
MR. JONES: This is a good time.
(Recess from 2:41 p.m. to 3:03 p.m.)

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you have any reason to believe that
the decision to have Mr. Jones, Mr. Brown and
yourself work on Foobar products to the exclusion
of the EMS products listed in group 3 and 4 of
Exhibit--of the December 5 chart was made or--
MR. SMITH: Can you read that back, and
maybe I can try and figure out what I wanted to
ask.

* * * * * * * *

Q Oh, okay. So you had a conversation with
Mr. Smith about the SeaTower at some point--
A Yes.
Q --prior to his death?

* * * * * * * *

Q And what is it about that particular night that you
recall that you didn't eat at the Holiday Inn?
A What is it that I remember that I didn't eat?

* * * * * * * *

Q What was Linda drinking, if anything?
A She was drinking one of them--one of them lady drinks.
I don't know what it was.
Q She had about the same as you?
A No. Huh-uh. She doesn't drink much. She'll just have
one drink, and she'll suck on it all night long.

* * * * * * * *

Q Next time you saw him?
A August 12, 1991. Checked tonsils--no,
I'm sorry, checked testicle. Must be mother asking.
But I didn't find anything wrong with testicle. On
the contrary, I noticed there was an ear problem.

* * * * * * * *

Q And Detroit Murphy--what is that? Is that a school
or--
A It's Mercy, not Murphy.
Q Oh, Mercy?
A I'm sorry. Yeah, Mercy.
Q Oh, I'm sorry. Mercy.
A Yeah, Detroit Mercy is a college, and they do it like
through the Jesuit priests program. They do things with young
boys.

* * * * * * * *

MR. SMITH: Let me ask you, sir,
to identify what I am going to have marked as
Defendant's Exhibit No. 1.
MR. JONES: Okay.
(Exhibit No. 1 marked for identification.)
A He has nice big ones.
MR. JONES: I have got the same ones,
and I had them blown.

* * * * * * * *

Q Could you please, in your own words,
describe where you're touching on your body?
A Right here.
Q All right. Now, where is "right here"?
A Right here.
Q Is that your leg?
A No, sir. My leg is here. That's my
stomach. I got two stomachs right here. But he was--
Q All right. You have two stomachs.

* * * * * * * *

Q Why do you handle the family finances?
A Because my mom and sister ain't that
bright.

* * * * * * * *

[thedrifter]

Q Did you notice any differences in the plaintiff
during the fishing trip after the accident and the
times you had been with him before?
A Yes.
Q Can you tell the jury about that?
A After a long period of time holding his
rod, you could see he had to sit down for a period
of time.

* * * * * * * *

Q How far apart are the rungs on the
ladder?
A They're usually about 12 inches to a
foot.

* * * * * * * *

Q What did you do for Johnson & Sons Formal
Wear?
A I was a presser.
Q Who was your boss there?
A I forget his name. He's the owner.
MR. SMITH: Johnson.
A Yeah. It's a father-and-son operation.

* * * * * * * *

Q You don't have any intention of
dismissing Jane Smith anytime soon, do you?
A No. Sometimes I wish I could eat her,
and other times you want to hug her up and kiss her
nose.

* * * * * * * *

A Mr. Jones and I had had a
disagreement, the exact nature of which I don't
remember, but it was over some aspect of my work
that he wanted me to perform in a manner different
than, I guess, I was performing it. And Mr.
Jones's--excuse my language coming up--Mr.
Jones said, "If you **** with me, I'll kill
you."
Q When he said, "If you **** with me, I'll
kill you," how did you interpret that?

* * * * * * * *

Q Has anybody else ever threatened to kill
you?
A No. Somebody put a gun to my neck once,
but I don't think he threatened to use it.
Q Was that in an employment contact or not?
A No. It was a social contact.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is there a difference between a
reconditioned and rebuilt piece of equipment in your
mind, if you have one?

* * * * * * * *

Q So the first thing that you heard was the
one that you overheard with Mr. Jones stating that
he didn't want any women in his department. And
then second time when you were in this exact
conversation would have been after the first time?

* * * * * * * *

Q Have you tried any type of rehabilitation
or work retraining?
A No. No, sir.
Q Why not?
A Because I ain't too bright.

* * * * * * * *

Q And, Doctor, are you a member of the
profession? Correct?
A What profession?
Q The medical profession.
A Oh, yes, sir.
Q And what profession are you a member of?
A The medical profession.

* * * * * * * *

Q I would like you to turn to the next
page, dated June 9, 1993.
A Yes.
Q Do you recall this incident occurring?
A Yes. The night before that I had eaten
at Beachcomber's Restaurant. And I had crab. And I
had vomited in the--
Q I assure you on this question a simple
"Yes" or "No" will do.

* * * * * * * *

Q Anything else you like to do a lot?
A Look out the window.
Q Have you got a good view?
A No.
Q You just like to look out there?
A Yeah.
Q What can you see from your window?
A The apartments in front of us.
Q I guess there's usually a lot of activity out there.
A Not no more.
Q How come?
A The drug dealer moved away.

* * * * * * * *

Q Okay. Did it become a shouting match at
any time?
A Uh-huh.
Q It did?
A A big one.
Q And what was the net result?
A I left, was the result. I left. I
basically told him that I didn't care how big his
dick was.
Q How did that comment come up?
A It just came out.
Q Okay. Why did you make that comment?
Does he talk about, you know, his penis a lot?
A Yeah, he always talks about his penis.
He thinks it's the greatest thing that ever walked
on earth.

* * * * * * * *

Q And what was the reason given to you for
the fact you were let go?
A The reason given to me was garnishing a
knife and arguing with the supervisor.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is the south boundary of the north half
of the southeast quarter of the northwest quarter
the same line as the north boundary of the south
half of the southeast quarter of the northwest
quarter?

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you currently have normal bowel
movements?
A No.
Q In what way have they changed?
A I have a lot more gas that I--I fart a
lot more; and when I do, they're much stronger than
the normal person.
Isn't that true, Jane?
I know it's not funny, but it's true.

[thedrifter]

And you think Grunts can't count?


During the Vietnam War, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1?"

The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."

[thedrifter]

A farmer sold a mule to another farmer, telling the buyer that if he was nice to the animal, it would work hard for him. When the mule refused to plow, the seller was called in to help.

So, the farmer who sold it to him walks over to the mule and he picks up a two-by-four and he hits the mule right across the snout. And then he whispers in his ear and the mule takes off and he plows up a storm.

And the buyer says, "Well, when you sold him to me, you told me I had to be nice to him all the time," and the first farmer says, "Yeah, but you've got to get his attention first."

[thedrifter]

Gate Guard



One day, four young military warriors turn up outside the pearly gates. St.Peter explained that before these warriors could pass they must answer one simple question.

Up walked the first guy.

St. Peter asked, "What's 2+2?"

The 1st warrior answered: "3"

"NO" said St. Peter.

"5" ?

NO" said St. Peter.

"4"

"Yes, in you go!"

Up comes the second warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

He answered, "The Square root of 16."

Very impressed St. Peter allows him past.

Up comes the third warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

"It's greater than 2."

"Yes"

"But less than 6"

"Yes"

"It's greater than 3"

"Yes"

"But less than 5"

"Yes"

"It's 4"

"Well done; in you go!"

Up comes the fourth warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

"It's 5, Ooo-Rahhhhh!!!" and with no pause he barges past St. Peter and in through the pearly gates.

Observing all this, an angel asked St. Peter, "What was all that about?"

St. Peter answered, "It's perfectly obvious: there must be a war on earth, and those four men were all military officers who have been killed."

"How can you tell they were officers?" inquires the angel.

"The first guy was a Navy engineer, dumb as seaweed and crude as mud, but he kept hammering away until he got through."

"The second guy was an Air Force pilot, who gave me more information than I really required."

"The third guy was in Army artillery, who was uncomfortable with any firm answer, but was bracketing to zero in on the correct answer."

"But what about the fourth guy?" inquired the angel. "He got it wrong, and then tore through the gates anyway."

"Ahh," said St. Peter, "that was the Marine -- dumber than dirt, but you've just gotta love 'em."