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  1. #2881
    Creationism FAQ

    WARNING FOR THE HUMOR IMPAIRED--THIS IS SATIRE

    These are smilies :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) Use them liberally where indicated.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    There has been a considerable call for a Creationist FAQ, which doesn't seem to be forthcoming in any great hurry. In the interests of facilitating matters I have decided to jump the gun and provide a provisional Creationist FAQ. Regard this as a provisional effort; I am not an expert in these matters and may have erred in a few small details. Criticisms and suggestions for improvement are welcome. Speculations on my private life will be met with dignified silence.


    Q: What is the principle evidence for Creationism?
    A: The Holy Bible, of course. After all, is it likely that the author
    of the Universe would be mistaken about its age?

    Q: But isn't the Bible religion and not science?
    A: Truth is truth. It's a poor sort of science that ignores truth.

    Q: But isn't there a lot of evidence for evolution?
    A: Not really, most of it is from university professors writing papers
    for each other. If they didn't write papers they wouldn't have jobs.

    Q: How big was Noah's ark?
    A: Big enough.

    Q: But what about radioactive dating?
    A: Hey, everybody knows that stuff is bad for you. Stick with good
    Christian girls.

    Q: What about the fossil evidence?
    A: The real fossils are university professors writing papers for each
    other.

    Q: Is there any other evidence for Creationism besides the Bible?
    A: Yes.

    Q: Can you give us some?
    A: Yes.

    Q: Could you give us a specific example?
    A: Yes.

    Q: What be a specific example of evidence for Creationism?
    A: I've already answered that question.

    Q: What about the Antarctic ice core data?
    A: Now I put it to you. Coop up a bunch of men in a Quonset hut in the
    worst weather in the world, with nothing to do but gather data and
    drink, and what do you expect?

    Q: Did the dinosaurs coexist with man?
    A: Look, the liberals were preaching coexistence with the Communists,
    and you saw what happened to them.

    Q: Should Creationism be taught along with Evolution in the schools?
    A: Creationism should be taught instead of Evolution in the schools.

    Q: Doesn't the Geologic Column prove that the Earth is very old?
    A: The geologic column proves that some things are on top of other things
    and some things are underneath other things. But we already knew that,
    didn't we.

    Q: Hasn't Evolution been demonstrated in the laboratory?
    A: Students are demonstrating everywhere these days. To their shame,
    many professors are demonstrating also.

    Q: Aren't Hawiian wallabies an example of Evolution in action?
    A: No.

    Q: Why not?
    A: Because they aren't.

    Q: What is a kind?
    A: A kind is cards of the same rank. Thus 4 aces and a king are four
    of a kind, but four spades and a heart are not.

    Q: Doesn't genetic variation indicate that life has been going on a long time?
    A: Let's be up front about this. That's deviation, not variation, and yes,
    there is a lot of deviancy out there. That just shows that there has been
    a lot of Sin since the garden of Eden.

    Q: What about Neanderthal Man?
    A: Hey, you take one of those geezers and put him in tweeds and give him a
    pipe and he could be a professor anywhere.

    Q: Some scientists state that the earth's continents are drifting
    around on top of a molten interior which has shaped life as we
    see it now. Are they right?
    A: As you well know the Bible says that beneath the surface of the
    earth is Hell where there is eternal fires and brimstone. If
    the continents appear to be moving around that is Satan's doing.

    Q: Why do almost all of the scientists believe in Evolution?
    A: The real scientists don't. As for the rest of them, that's a very good
    question, isn't it?

    Q: Are you talking about a Satanic conspiracy?
    A: Did I say anything about a conspiracy? You might want to think about
    the shape the world is in since the Evolutionists and the Liberal
    Humanists captured academia and Evolution is hand in hand with Godless
    Communism and crime in the streets but I certainly wouldn't want to
    say anything about a Satanic conspiracy. I just want you to think
    about it with an open mind.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #2882
    Wackos, FBIncompetents, original, funny!

    These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. They're probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    >To: FBI Director William Sessions
    >From: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >Sir:
    This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any instructions?
    Agent 2x3276

    >To: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >From: FBI Director William Sessions
    >Agent:
    Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day. That should
    get the point across.
    The Director

    >To: FBI Director William Sessions
    >From: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >Sir:
    Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing "Feelings" over
    and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks
    that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less cooperative now.
    Any more suggestions?
    Agent 2x3276

    >To: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >From: FBI Director William Sessions
    >Agent:
    Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something by
    The Partridge Family.
    Still The Director

    >To: FBI Director William Sessions
    >From: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >Sir:
    They like the Partridge Family.
    Agent 2x3276

    >To: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >From: FBI Director William Sessions
    >Agent:
    Sickos.
    STD

    >To: FBI Director William Sessions
    >From: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >Sir:
    We're getting bored out here. Can we go in now?
    Agent 2x3276

    >To: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >From: FBI Director William Sessions
    >Agent:
    Not until we've wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the reporters
    about Koresh's sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
    The Director and Producer

    >To: FBI Director William Sessions
    >From: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >Sir:
    We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
    Agent 2x3276

    >To: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >From: FBI Director William Sessions
    >Agent:
    Do you have a point?
    The Brilliant

    >To: FBI Director William Sessions
    >From: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >Sir:
    Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand scrutiny.
    Agent 2x3276

    >To: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >From: FBI Director William Sessions
    >Agent:
    What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Who's going to stand up for
    a cult leader who's abused baby frogs?
    Better than Brilliant

    >To: FBI Director William Sessions
    >From: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >Sir:
    We've had a tiny accident at the compound.
    Agent 2x3276

    >To: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >From: FBI Director William Sessions
    >Agent:
    How tiny?
    Better than Brilliant,
    but slighty Worried

    >To: FBI Director William Sessions
    >From: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >Sir:
    It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir.
    Agent 2x3276

    >To: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >From: FBI Director William Sessions
    >Agent:
    Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down
    their compound.
    Brilliant, Almost Godlike

    >To: FBI Director William Sessions
    >From: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >Sir:
    We haven't gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of
    a mass suicide.
    Pretty Good Agent 2x3276

    >To: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >From: FBI Director William Sessions
    >Agent:
    Do you have a point?
    Try to remain more formal in your memos.
    The BAG Director

    >To: FBI Director William Sessions
    >From: ATF Agent 2x3276
    >Sir:
    No sir, thank you sir.
    Agent 2x3276

    >To: FBI Director William Sessions
    >From: President Billy Bob Clinton
    >Will:
    What the hell are you folks doing over there?
    Bill

    >To: President William Clinton
    >From: FBI Director William Sessions
    >Sir:
    Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of
    baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir.
    Director Sessions

    >To: FBI Director William Sessions
    >From: President Billy Bob Clinton
    >Will:
    Oh. Okay.
    Mr. Bill

    >To: Members of the Press
    >From: President William Clinton
    >Dear Members of the Press:
    The FBI has informed me of a tiny error they've made. I take full
    reponsibility. It wasn't my fault.
    The President

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  3. #2883
    No charge for admission!


    So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says, "Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place." Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free. Back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says "Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #2884
    Ronald macdonald

    I should state that Ronald MacDonald is probably a registered trademark of the MacDonald's Restaurant Corporation of America or something.

    I recently saw an advertisement for MacDonalds. In it, a young girl is talking to Ronald MacDonald. The setting is somewhere in North America, most likely, judging from the accents and scenery. The girl says she's running away to MacDonaldLand, and Ronald says, "MacDonaldland? That's where I'm from."

    Suddenly, it all made sense. Why is Ronald MacDonald, the grotesquely made-up and attired being, so far from MacDonaldland, the only place where he could fit in? Obviously, he's in exile.

    A few years ago in MacDonaldLand, Mayor McCheese, having grown paranoid and megalomaniacal in his years secluded in his mayoral residence, declared a state of emergency. He rationalized this act by pointing out increased felonious activities by the Hamburgler, and obliquely referring to rumors that those French-Fry Weasels (whose names I forget) were carrying some sort of disease. Mayor McCheese's brother, the police officer with a similarly hamburger-shaped head (whose name I also forget), rounded up the Hamburgler, the Hamburgler's family, business associates of the Hamburgler, the French-Fry Weasels, and any life forms in MacDonaldLand who veered too much from basic hamburger-humanoid form. These purges were justified by a new theory of eugenics, which stated that large, round, flat heads with lettuce in them are signs of a higher form of life, a sort of Hamburgerubermensch, who were divinely granted sole political power of MacDonaldLand. Obviously, Ronald MacDonald, not being a Hamburgerubermensch, did not fit it, and yet the people would not accept his execution, since he was beloved by all and besides his great-grandfather, Helmut MacDonald, founded MacDonaldLand, so instead of being killed or forced to work in the salt mines with the other victims of the purges or being ground into a paste and turned into Big Macs for sale abroad, he was exiled to the United States, due to the friendly relations the United States had always had with MacDonaldLand, a result of the tireless efforts of the US Ambassador to MacDonaldLand, Ray A. Kroc.

    But then, why would Ronald MacDonald just casually try to talk the young girl out of running away to MacDonaldLand, instead of sternly warning her against the dangers there? Obviously, he harbors a great resentment against Americans. Perhaps he is angry that we did not intervene and stop the human rights abuses perpetrated by Mayor McCheese (after all, the declaration of a state of emergency did happen during the Reagan Presidency), or perhaps he's just a snob. "Stupid Americans!" he mutters to himself at night, as he sits at his formica table while drinking cheap coffee and reading the only MacDonaldLand-language newspaper printed in the U.S., "they dress like fools! Drab colors...no bright yellow smocks or oversized red shoes...and like barbarians, they do not paint their faces! When I show them the sign of the arches, they stare at me as if I'd gone mad! Were they educated with pigs?" Late at night, he hangs around the mini- playgrounds built outside of MacDonald's franchises. "It is, so little," he whispers, before taking a swig of bourbon from a bottle he thinks he's hiding in a paper bag, "but it reminds me of home."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #2885
    More Writer's Euphemisms for Death

    Additional Technical Writer's Euphemisms for Death


    13. Lost in translation.
    12. Widowed and orphaned.
    11. Formatted with black borders.
    10. Moved into upper management.
    9. Went on-line.
    8. Deleted from the BOM.
    7. Permanently Out of Print.
    6. Printed white-on-white.
    5. Remaindered.
    4. Mailed in his/her warranty card.
    3. Collapsed his/her outline.
    2. Was struck out by the Big Blue Pencil.



    And, the Number One Technical Writing Euphemism for Death...


    1. Inspired a new Warning message.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #2886
    Rush Limbaugh as TV Wrestler.

    What is the difference between Rush Limbaugh and a TV Wrestler?

    Consider:


    TV Wrestler Rush

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Male As far as we know.

    White (usually) As far as we know.

    Fat Definitely

    Wears tight suits Yep.

    Roars to adoring crowds. UnHuh.

    Sponsored by obscure Sponsored by chain of
    companies. Tall and Fat Stores.

    Always on TV. yep.

    Usually on Obscure yep.
    Stations.

    Appeals to bizarre Probably.
    audience segment.

    Doesn't seem to accom-
    plish much but make money. yep.

    Engages in low brow stunts. Yep.

    Entertains more then informs. yep.



    Well, I guess if he wants to the WWF always has room for him. Maybe he could become a conservative TV Wrestler. "Loud Man." he would wear a black and white suit and shout at all the bad wrestlers.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #2887
    Gender testing

    "Are you male or female?"

    Take this test and find out for sure



    1. Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are:
    a. one
    b. almost a dozen

    2. When parking your car in a public garage you:
    a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant
    b. hand your keys over politely

    3. You haven't shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be
    construed as:
    a. sexy
    b. gross

    4. At the doctor's, a common request would be:
    a. "Cough."
    b. "Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?"

    5. As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
    a. one cup
    b. two cups

    6. When you're feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is:
    a. nothing
    b. "Do I look fat?"

    7. You've slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe
    you would be:
    a. sports legend
    b. tramp

    8. The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is:
    a. 35
    b. 14

    9. When you hear the words "hand wash," the first thing that comes to
    your mind is:
    a. your car
    b. panty hose

    10. It`s the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score
    tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .311
    average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate
    turns to you and says, "Do you want a back rub?" You are:
    a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question
    b. daydreaming

    11. Your idea of basic pump is:
    a. an athletic shoe made by Nike
    b. a heeled shoe made by Fayva

    12. Multiple Orgasms are something you:
    a. give
    b. get

    SCORING

    a = 1 point b = 2 points

    0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater
    lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select
    few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.

    13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live
    longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in
    polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to
    being president someday.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #2888
    How to stay stressed


    How To Stay Stressed

    ---------------


    Although the De Anza Health Office long been an advocate of stress management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of students, faculty, and staff alike. On account of this, we have come to the following conclusion: YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED! The following provides you with a few reasons why.


    STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT. Anyone as stressed as you must be
    working very hard and, therefore,
    is probably doing something very
    crucial.

    IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL Anyone as busy as you are certainly
    DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY. can't be expected to form emotional
    attachments to anyone. And let's
    face it, you're not much fun to be
    around anyway.

    IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES. Obviously you're too stressed to be
    given any more work. This gets you
    off the hook for all the mundane
    chores; let someone else take care
    of them.

    IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH. Stress might be considered a cheap
    thrill, and you can give yourself a
    "hit" anytime you choose. But be
    careful, you might get addicted to
    your own adrenaline.

    IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS. Why risk being "successful" when by
    simply staying stressed you can
    avoid all of that? Stress can keep
    your performance level low enough
    that success won't ever be a threat.

    STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR The authoritarian style of "Just do
    AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE. what I say!" is generally permissi-
    ble under crisis conditions. If
    you maintain a permanently stressed
    crisis atmosphere, you can justify
    an authoritarian style all the time.

    Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble
    if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

    NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that
    could be spent worrying.

    EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't
    cleanse your system, a balanced
    diet isn't likely to.

    GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25
    pounds over your recommended
    weight.

    TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine,
    nicotine, sugar, and cola will
    continue to do the job just fine.

    AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES. Ignore the evidence suggesting
    that meditation, yoga, deep
    breathing, and/or mental imaging
    help to reduce stress. The
    Protestant work ethic is good for
    everyone, Protestant or not.

    GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL Let the few friends who are
    SUPPORT SYSTEM. willing to tolerate you know that
    concern yourself with friendships
    only if you have time, and you
    never have time. If a few people
    persist in trying to be your
    friend, avoid them.

    PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect
    of your work, family, dog, house,
    or car is mounting a personal
    attack. Don't take time to
    listen, be offended, then return
    the attack!

    THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing
    matter, and it shouldn't be
    treated as one.

    MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if
    you want it done right, do it
    yourself!

    BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else,
    and be sure to take work home
    evenings and weekends. Keep
    reminding yourself that vacations
    are for sissies.

    DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every
    day than you can possibly get done
    and then worry about it all
    whenever you get a chance.

    PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last
    second always produces a marvelous
    amount of stress.

    WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T Worry about the stock market,
    CONTROL. earthquakes, the approching Ice
    Age, you know, all the big issues.

    BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT ...and either beat yourself up, or
    SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS... feel guilty, depressed, discour-
    aged, and/or inadequate when you
    don't meet them."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #2889
    Family Stress Test


    Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.


    1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can
    talk."

    2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

    3. ____ The cat is on Valium.

    4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to
    speak through clenched teeth.

    5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

    6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number
    of people in the family.

    7. ____ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

    8. ____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

    9. ____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out
    the trash.

    10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

    Scoring:

    30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

    20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little
    going on in your life. Crank it up.

    10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled
    life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered
    a parallel career path?

    0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #2890
    Suggestion box

    Options for creating an anonymous suggestion box for the Dean.


    1) Slip note under Dean's door.
    Pro - Simple.
    Would cost less to implement than generating this report.
    Con - Only small notes fit.
    Not too anonymous in the middle of the day.

    2) Put note in box outside Dean's office.
    Pro - Simple.
    Anonymity reasonable during the day.
    Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
    Con - Requires ability to find the Dean's office.
    Suggestions weighing more a few pounds unworkable.
    Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
    Will probably get more gum wrappers that suggestions.

    3) Mail to an address that strips off headers and forwards to Dean.
    Pro - Easy to do from anywhere in the building.
    Big messages not a problem.
    Electronic messages are easy to delete.
    Con - Won't be able to strip .signature files from the end of messages.
    Requires users have access to e-mail.
    Electronic messages are easy to delete.
    Requires Dean read e-mail

    4) A 'suggest' command that sends message to appropriate place.
    Pro - No problem with signatures.
    Fairly simple.
    Con - Requires that users remember command exists.
    Requires an account and the ability to create a file on Unix.
    Requires Dean read e-mail.

    5) Printer in Dean's office for suggestions.
    Pro - Hard copy made of suggestions.
    Draws attention to itself, increasing the likelyhood suggestions
    may be looked at.
    Con - Printer must be on.
    Queue not anonymous during printing.
    Temptation to send the Kama Sutra may be too great for some.

    6) Suggestion posted anonymously to public news group.
    Pro - Keeps people aware suggestion service exits.
    Suggestions more likely to be dealt with in some manner.
    Others can comment on suggestion along with the Dean.
    Con - Some suggestions too personal to be posted.
    Requires Dean read news.

    7) Coup d'etat.
    Pro - Eliminates need for anonymity.
    Eliminates need for suggestions.
    Con - Difficult to automate.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #2891
    TOO FUNNY!!



    Forwarded Message [ Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase | Download File ]
    From: "Payne Capt Cornell A"
    To: "'Casullivan3@aol.com'"
    Subject: FW: oops!!!....
    Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2003 12:53:42 -0400



    HTML Attachment [ Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase | Download File ]




    Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM
    > morning show in Chicago.
    >
    > The DJs play a game where they award winners great
    > prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call
    > someone at work and ask if they are married or
    > seriously involved with someone.
    >
    > If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then
    > asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The
    > person is also asked to divulge the name of their
    > partner (with phone number) for verification. If their
    > partner answers those same three questions correctly,
    > they both win the prize. One particular game, however,
    > several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop
    > to its knees with laughter.
    >
    > Anyway, here's how it all went down:
    >
    > DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard
    > of 'MateMatch'?"
    >
    > Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
    >
    > DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
    > Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First
    > only please."
    >
    > Contestant: "Brian."
    >
    > DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
    >
    > Brian: "Yes."
    >
    > DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're
    > what?"
    >
    > Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
    >
    > DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First
    > only please."
    >
    > Brian: "Sara."
    >
    > DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
    >
    > Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
    >
    > DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
    >
    > Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
    >
    > DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you
    > had sex?"
    >
    > Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
    >
    > DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
    >
    > Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
    >
    > DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
    >
    > Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
    >
    > DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
    >
    > Brian: "About 10 minutes."
    >
    > DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would
    > ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
    >
    > Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
    >
    > DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8
    > o'clock this morning?"
    >
    > Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
    >
    > DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
    >
    > Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is
    > staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
    >
    > DJ: "Uh huh..."
    >
    > Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at
    > the time."
    >
    > DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
    >
    > Brian: "On the kitchen table."
    >
    > DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the
    > previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I
    > will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number
    > and call her up. You listen to this."
    >
    > (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
    >
    > DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
    >
    > (touch tones.... ringing....)
    >
    > Clerk: "Kinkos."
    >
    > DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
    >
    > Clerk: "This is she."
    >
    > DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on
    > the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for
    > a couple of hours now."
    >
    > Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
    >
    > DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.
    > Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll
    > lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of
    > 'MateMatch'?"
    >
    > Sarah: "No."
    >
    > DJ: "Good!"
    >
    > Brian: (laughing)
    >
    > Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up
    > to?"
    >
    > Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly,
    > okay? Be completely honest."
    >
    > DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3
    > questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's
    > answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando,
    > Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World.
    > Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it
    > Sarah?"
    >
    > Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
    >
    > DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
    >
    > Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian
    > went to work."
    >
    > DJ: "What time?"
    >
    > Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
    >
    > DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
    >
    > Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
    >
    > DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is
    > trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last
    > question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip
    > to Florida. Are you ready?"
    >
    > Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
    >
    > DJ: "Where did you have it?"
    >
    > Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that,
    > did you?"
    >
    > Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
    >
    > DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
    >
    > Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing
    > with us and..."
    >
    > DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
    >
    > Sarah: "Up the ass....."
    >
    > After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to
    > take a station break....."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #2892
    Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge

    cork stuck in his butt.



    "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork

    looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"



    "I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

    "I do not understand," said the other.

    The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a

    huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and

    top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie.

    I can grant you one wish."

    I said, "No ****?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #2893
    Registered User Free Member CPLRapoza's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
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    Montevideo, Uruguay(for the moment)
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    That last one is classic.


  14. #2894
    Registered User Free Member Barrio_rat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Eastern Oregon
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    Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.

    As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

    St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

    "Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

    "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

    "Incredible," said Hillary. "And whose clock is that one?"

    St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

    "Where's Bill's clock?" asked Hillary.

    "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


  15. #2895

    GOLF.....

    THE WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF 1. Monica Lewinsky.... 2. O.J. Simpson....3.Ted Kennedy.... 4. Bill Clinton....WHY YOU ASK?well,,,,,,,,, 1. Monica is a Hooker....2. O.J. is a Slicer....3. Ted can't drive over water,and 4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last......


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