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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-10-03, 06:40 AM #2716
You might be a Redneck if...
Your richest relative buys a new house, and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
Your family tree does not fork.
06-10-03, 06:42 AM #2717
Romeo & the neighbours
He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!
Who is already sick and pale with grief
WILL YOU **** OFF - WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she
I'M WARNING YOU, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP...
Be not her maid, since she is envious.
I'M GONNA COME DOWN THERE, AND SMASH YOUR BLOODY FACE IN
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
WILL YOU PUT A BLOODY SOCK IN IT?
And none but fools do wear it: cast it off
I'M GOING TO CAST YOU RIGHT OFF THIS BALCONY IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL
It is my lady, O it is my love
LOOK, ONE MORE STANZA OUT OF YOU AND I'LL CALL THE POLICE
O that she knew she were
She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?
THERE'S THIS BLOKE OUTSIDE
Her eye discourses: I will answer it.
HE'S BABBLING ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER... SOME GIRL HE GOT INTO TROUBLE
I am too bold: 'tis not to me she speaks.
PROBABLY A STUDENT - YES... HIGH AS A KITE NO DOUBT, OR DRUNK LIKE THEY ALL ARE
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
WELL, HE'S GOING ON ABOUT STARS IN THE HEAVENS OR SOMETHING
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
THANK YOU OFFICER.
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
RIGHT! THE POLICE ARE COMING. NOW WILL YOU SHUT UP?
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
SHUT THE F*** UP!
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars
OH GOOD. HERE THEY COME.
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
RIGHT, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM
Would through the airy region stream so bright
WOULD YOU MIND KEEPING THE NOISE DOWN, SIR?
That birds would sing and think it were not night
WELL I'M AFRAID IT IS NIGHT SIR, SO COULD YOU BE A BIT QUIETER?
See how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
OR I SHALL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE STATION
O that I were a glove upon that hand,
RIGHT SONNY, THAT'S ABOUT ENOUGH OF THAT
That I might touch that cheek
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR A BREACH OF THE PEACE
Let go of me arm, pig!
06-10-03, 06:43 AM #2718
A little 69
A Chinese couple is in bed one night, when the man gives his wife an elbow and says, "May-Ling, how about a little 69. I'm in the mood for some 69."
"Shut-up and go back to sleep," groans his wife.
"Come on, you know I like 69, and for that matter, so do you!"
"What time is it?"
"You want me to get up at this hour and make beef and broccoli for the two of us?"
06-10-03, 06:44 AM #2719
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
06-10-03, 06:45 AM #2720
A recent questionnaire sent out in the Soviet Union contained the questions:
1. Where were you born?
2. Where did you go to school?
3. Where did you attain your majority?
4. Where do you wish to live?
One return provided the following answers:
1. St. Petersburg
4. St. Petersburg
06-10-03, 06:46 AM #2721
Roberts, Falwell, Schuler
Did you hear the one about the day Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell and Robert Schuler were driving to a big "tent meeting" together? Unfortunately, they were involved in a terrible accident and all three were killed. As you might expect they all ascended into heaven and came to standing in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted them and welcomed them to heaven. Then he started to hem and haw around and finally explained that they hadn't any advance notice of this situation and so weren't quite prepared for three so illustrious and holy men. He explained how all three of them qualified for the very finest accommodations heaven had to offer including very large and splendid mansions, but they weren't quite ready so would they mind waiting a few days?
They replied that they wouldn't mind waiting, but were they just going to have to stand there for several days? St. Peter said no, he believed he could arrange temporary quarters for them in Hell. Sometimes Satan was willing to help out in emergencies, whereupon he placed a call to Brother Satan and made the arrangements. They descended into Hell.
Noon on the fourth day after their descent St. Peter gets a frantic phone call from the Devil demanding that he remove these three guys from hell immediately. St. Peter couldn't believe his ears and asked what could possibly be wrong with these three upstanding people.
The Devil replied, "They are ruining my place down here. In less than four days Jerry Falwell has saved everybody, Oral Roberts has healed everybody, and Robert Schuler has raised enough money to air condition the whole damn place!!"
06-10-03, 06:47 AM #2722
Answering Machine Messages
I put this message on my machine during the baseball season. In the background is the sound effect of a cheering crowd at a baseball game.
``We're back at Wrigley Field for this, the final game of the 1990 baseball season. The Cubs and Mets are tied for first, whoever wins this game takes home the National League Eastern Division championship. We're in the 9th inning, Cubs trailing 2-1, but they have Dunston on third with two outs. Coming up to bat now, here is BOB! (crowd cheers in background) This has been a solid season for Bob, 26 home runs, 87 runs batted in. A base hit now will tie it for the Cubs, while a home run will give them the championship..
"Bob digs in against Dwight Gooden. Gooden has been masterful today, striking out 16, while only allowing 3 base hits. Here comes the pitch . . . AND THERE'S A LONG DRIVE DEEP TO RIGHT! THAT COULD BE OUT OF HERE! DARRYL STRAWBERRY RACES OVER AND MAKES A LEAPING CATCH AT THE WALL AND BOB IS OUT!!!! Yes, Bob is out, but he'll be happy to return your call as soon as possible."
Since I once worked in radio as a newscaster and DJ, I was able to do this so that it sounded like an actual radio broadcast. The response to this message, which ran a full 60 seconds, was interesting. Men loved it, and passed my phone number around so that their buddies could call in and hear it. Women, in general, didn't understand it, and left messages complaining that it was too long, too loud, or didn't make any sense.
06-10-03, 06:48 AM #2723
What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)...
No one cries when you cut up a banjo.
An Uzi only repeats forty times.
(c.) chain saw
A chain saw has a dynamic range
and you can turn a chain saw off.
(d.) Harley Davidson motorcycle
You can tune a Harley.
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
o Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded...you don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
o What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?
o Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run.
o What will you never say about a banjo player?
That's the banjo player's Porsche.
o Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing or they will sink...
o How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
By their names...(used to be Irish fiddle tunes)
o The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building
You don't really need one.
06-10-03, 06:48 AM #2724
In a village in South America there was a young man who was what some people call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didn't matter. The trouble was that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marriage. This innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well finally they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way. What a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you something, Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing." She believed him.
The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there. He then went down through the village looking for her. "Mary, Mary, where are you?" Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very angry and frustrated. "You son-a-*****, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good for nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, what's the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why you mad at me?" our tiger asks.
Mary says, "Yeah, you *******, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well he has one also" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, **** I can fix this. "Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him one," he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.
Mary is now angrier and begins to clobber the **** out of him. "You dumb ass, pendejo, stupido, ignorante," she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE."
06-10-03, 06:41 PM #2725
Slop Shute? Belly up to the bar?
Great idea for a cartoon. Hope you all like it.
Last edited by Osotogary; 03-07-06 at 10:48 PM.
06-11-03, 06:19 AM #2726
Wacky Whirly Birds
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
06-11-03, 06:20 AM #2727
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
06-11-03, 06:22 AM #2728
Communication Studies Final Exam
N. I. H. E. Dublin, Ireland
B.A. in COMMUNICATION STUDIES
Final year exam 1989
Time: 9 am till opening time.
Candidates must not write on more than two sides of the exam paper.
Marks will be deducted for bad spelling and writing which is difficult to read.
1. What language is spoken by French Canadians?
2. Give important characteristics of ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions or give the first names of the Osmonds.
3. What religion is the Pope? [Jewish, Catholic, Hindu, Anglican (ONE only)].
4. Who won the Second World War? Who came second?
5. What is a silver dollar made of? Gold, Silver, polyvinylchloride (ONE only).
6. Explain Le Chatelier's principal of dynamic equilibrium force or spell your name in BLOCK capitals.
7. Approximately how many commandments were give to Moses?
8. There were six kings of Britain called George, the last one being called George VI. Name the other five.
9. Who invented Stevenson's rocket?
10. Write down the numbers 1 to 10. (Marks will be deducted for every number out of sequence.)
11. Dublin is the capital of which north-western European country?
12. Name the odd man out--Cardinal Heenan, The Pope, Archbishop of Canterbury, Jack the Ripper.
13. Who was the winning jockey in the All Ireland Greyhound Derby 1971?
14. Who built the Great Pyramid?--Rameses II, W.B. Yeats, Wimpey, Amey Roadstone Corporation? (ONE only).
15. In the 1973 Sheepdog trials, how many were found guilty?
16. At what time is News at Ten?--9 pm., 6 pm., Don't know.
17. Would you ask William Shakespeare to--Build a bridge, Sail the ocean, Lead the army or WRITE A PLAY?
18. What holiday falls on January 1st?--Christmas, New Year, August Bank holiday, St. Patrick's Day?
19. Is a dunker a :
(a) person who dips biscuits in his/her tea?
(c) lorry for motorway construction?
(d) black person about seven foot tall and good at basketball?
20. Do you understand Newton's law of gravity? Answer YES or NO
21 Arrange the following words into a logical statement: BRAINS HAVE NO C.S.'S.
22 What is 69 and 69 ( one answer only )
(ii) ten times your I.Q.
(iii) An NIHE party
(iv) All of the above five
23 Write a prose composition on each of the following:
(i) The wide-ranging knowledge of C.S. students on computers (Maximum of two letters. Hint WS)
(ii) [From your employment possibilities] The role of fast food franchises in the modern urban environment
(iii) My favourite Lecture (you may not refer to the other two in your answer)
(iv) What the restaurant looks like
24 Approximately how many questions are on this paper (Answer to the nearest 100 if you can count that far.)
06-11-03, 06:24 AM #2729
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. Said he: Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table. She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts." After a couple of minutes he asked: How does that feel? Wonderful, she replied, but the discharge is from the ear.
06-11-03, 06:25 AM #2730
Adam and Eve
I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company."
"Okay," replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious--she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word."
"Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?"
"An arm and a leg."
"That's pretty steep, " countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?"
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