Chuckles of the Day...

[Art Petersn]

Democrats and Republicans

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude
and
spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it's MY fault.

[kubba]

Does anyone know the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Well I will tell you. Beer Nuts go for around $2.29 a pound and Deer Nuts are under a buck .
Semper FI
Stan

[Art Petersn]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to
the mailbox.

She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and
peered inside, and slammed it shut a second time.
Angrily, back into the house she went

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again,
marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it
closed harder than
ever, almost knocking the box off its post.



Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"



(are you ready? ... this is a beauty... )


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[thedrifter]

From Scotland

Tourist to Taxi driver: "How much is it to the Airport?"

Taxi driver: "That's five pounds twenty."

Tourist: "And how much is it for the luggage?"

Taxi driver: "The luggage, of course, is free."

Tourist: "All right, just take that stuff along. I'm walking."

[thedrifter]

One fine evening in Aberdeen...

Red Adair walked into an Aberdonian pub after two weeks spent putting out a fire in a North Sea oil well. He ordered a pint of heavy and found a table. The man sitting next to him immediately noticed that this rugged-looking elderly fellow was indeed an American and said:

"I've been to the States myself, you know. I went there last year."

"Oh really..." our oil rig hero said in a rather tired voice.

"Aye, I spent a month in California. One night I went to a concert with a famous country singer called Benny Rogers, and..."

"Surely you must mean KENNY Rogers," Red said, looking at the ceiling.

"Aye, that's right. Anyway, he sang a duet with a bonnie lass called Polly Darton."

"It's DOLLY PARTON, not Polly Darton." Red was not in the friendliest of moods now.

The Scot realized that he was making a fool of himself and tried a change of topic:

"Haven't I seen you on TV? You're quite famous, aren't you?"

This made old Red cheer up:

"Indeed you have. I'm Red Adair!" he said with a grin.

"Red Adair?! The REAL Red Adair? So, are you still married to Ginger Rogers?"

[thedrifter]

The Truth about Contract Bidding


Bidding - Additional Requirements

Section 1A - The Truth
The requirements of Division 01 and of those documents under bidding requirements and conditions of the contract and anything else we don't think looks good here is null and void. If you know what's good for you, you'd read this real close (meaning the contractor).

1.1 The work we did is clearly showed in the attached plans and specifications. Our engineer, whose had plenty of college, spent one hell of a lot of time when he drawed up these here plans and specifications, but nobody can think of everything.

Once your bid is in - that's it, brother. From then on, anything wanted by our engineer, or any of his friends, or anybody else (except the contractor) shall be considered as showed, specified or implied and shall be provided by the contractor without no expense to nobody, but himself (meaning the contractor).

1.2 If the work is did without no expense to the contractor, then the work will be took down and did again until the extra expense to the contractor is satisfactory to our engineer.

1.3 Our engineer's plans is right as drawed. If sumthin is drawed wrong, it shall be discovered by the contractor, corrected, and did right at no extra expense to us. It won't cut no ice with us or our engineer if you point out any mistakes our engineer has drawed. If you do, it will be one hell of a long time before you do any more work for us or him (meaning the engineer).

1.4 The contractor is not supposed to make fun of our engineer, his plans, or the kind of work we're having did. If he does, it's just too bad for him (meaning the contractor).

1.5 Any contractor walking around the jobs with a smile on his face is subject to the review of his bid.

1.6 If the contractor don't find all our engineer's mistakes before he bids the job, or if the contractor ain't got enough sense to know that our engineer is going to think up a bunch of new stuff that's going to have to be did before the job is complete, then it's just too bad for him (meaning the contractor).


END OF SECTION

[thedrifter]

Four Headlines on the day the world ends


God decided He was finally fed up with the human race and decided to end it for good. He called up a reporter at the New York Times to tell him the news: The world would end the day after tomorrow.

The reporter tried to talk God out of it, but God was firm and wouldn't be swayed. The reporter then asked if he had an exclusive. God said that He was going to call three other newspapers.

Headlines the next day:

The New York Times: "God says world to end tomorrow; story and analysis on page B11."

The Wall Street Journal: "God says world to end tomorrow; market to close early"

USA Today: "IT'S OVER!"

The Washington Post: "God says world to end tomorrow; women and minorities hardest hit."

[thedrifter]

Vee Know Vere You Live


It seems that all of those secret police guys in East Germany won't be jobless for long. Most of the field agents have been snapped up by cab companies, since they know their areas so well, and the desk workers have been hired as dispatchers. The neat thing about the new dispatchers is that all they need is the name of the customer and they can give the cabbies the address

[thedrifter]

Ads Create History In the Making


Advertising Age's Lenore Skenazy asked readers to come up with imaginary ads "to brazenly exploit a solemn site," such as the recent rash of ads featuring the Berlin Wall. An excerpt:


The Washington Monument is the setting. The line: "Don't be the father of your country. Trojan condoms."
Russians filing by Lenin's tomb are shown. The line: "Liked our leader? You'll love Vlasic dills. They're pickled in glass, too!"
A man standing near the eternal flame at JFK's grave lights a cigarette. The line: "Bic. Only one flame lasts longer."
The setting is a manger in Bethlehem, with a radiant glow around the baby's cradle. The line, as said by Mary (looking upward): "I said a Bud Light."

[thedrifter]

Divine creation

A famous film director, having died of late, arrives at the Pearly Gates. He is greeted by St. Peter, who is delighted to see him.

Peter: "Great! We were waiting for you! God's making a movie, and we need a director."

Director: "No, no, no! I am done! I have been directing for thirty years, and I want to rest. Eternally. Get someone else."

Peter: "But you don't understand. We have a script by Shakespeare."

Dir: "Sounds great...I'll see it opening night. I won't do it."

Peter: "Our set design is a collaborative effort between Leonardo DaVinci and M.C. Escher."

Dir: "Well, I really do need some time off. Maybe next time."

Peter: "It's a Bach score! C'mon, you've gotta do it!"

Dir: "You tempt me, Peter...."

Peter: "Here's the clincher: You've got an open budget, a tech crew known for getting stuff in early, and all the audition material you could dream of."

Dir: "Okay, okay. I'll do it. Where's the stage manager?"

Peter: "Over there. But first, there is something I have to tell you. You see, God's got a girlfriend, like, and she sings...."

[thedrifter]

Re: Speech in Japan

A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said. Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said. Still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.

However, he was interrupted by the chairman of the conference: "No no, sir. You must not applaud!"

Dumbfounded he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."

"No sir, you must not applaud, he is translating your speech."

[thedrifter]

Tabloid ad parody


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[thedrifter]

Quality fruit

A woman goes into a greengrocer and is looking round anxiously at a pile of oranges.

"Can I help you madam?" asks the shopkeeper.

"Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizer or weedkiller?" she replies.

"No madam, you'll have to get that from the chemist's."

[thedrifter]

Sleeping around


A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?"

"Don't miss me, mister."

"Well then, you better make it 13."



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A traveling salesman walks into a bar and sees a farmer. "Can you give me a place to spend the night?" he asks.

"You can sleep in the barn, says the farmer, but whatever you do, don't disturb my chicken."

The salesman thanks him and pulls a duck out of his pocket, which immediately sits down and starts playing the piano.

"We don't allow any farm animals in here," says the bartender.

"Do you have any matches?" asks the salesman. "Sure," says the bartender.

"Good," says the salesman, "now I can find the Mac truck and drive out."

Doing so, the salesman takes the farmer home, and goes to the barn. Once there he sees this nest full of rice, which, for no good reason, he proceeds to eat. The next day, he sees the farmer's daughter (who is naturally stark naked), and compliments her on the rice.

"Oh that wasn't rice," says the naked farm girl. My father's chicken died two weeks ago. Those were maggots. Would you like some hot buttered corn?"

"No," says the salesman, "But I'd like some of those cheerios you're eating."

"Oh, these aren't Cheerios," says the farm girl, "These are..."

"Never mind!" says the salesman, and begins to leave.

"Where are you going?" says the farmgirl.

"I'm going to get to the other side," says the salesman.

"Careful," says the farm girl. "That's how our chicken died. Please stay and have some mung!"

"What's mung?" asks the salesman.

"It's a long story, " she replies.

- Franz Kafka



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" and the bum replies, "Well, I am." The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"

[thedrifter]

Forgetfulness

An older lady gets undressed and starts to get into the bathtub. She gets about halfway into the tub and thinks, ``Was I getting into the tub or getting out?'' She calls out, ``Bernice! Was I getting into the bathtub or getting out?''

Bernice says, ``Well I don't know. I'll have to come up and look.'' Bernice starts walking up the stairs to the bathroom, gets halfway up and thinks to herself, ``Was I going up the stairs or down?'' She calls out ``Sally! Was I going up or down the stairs?''

Sally, down in the living room calls back, ``How should I know?'' and thinks to herself, ``I'm glad I'm not losing my mind like the other people in this house.''

So Sally starts...

Do you remember the punchline to this joke?