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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-02-03, 07:34 AM #2611
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
"Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."
06-02-03, 07:35 AM #2612
Sainthood for Marcos
I heard recently that no Filipino saints have ever been selected and feel this is a wrong that must be righted. I know of at least one Filipino who has passed the criteria for sainthood (performing three miracles), Ferdinand Marcos. The miracles he performed are:
1) He took millions, possibly billions of dollars out of one of the world's poorer nations.
2) He stayed married to Imelda for over 30 years.
3) He died of natural causes.
06-02-03, 07:37 AM #2613
I'm no joketeller, but...
Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."
After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."
Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there."
They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.
Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"
Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"
06-02-03, 07:37 AM #2614
A man is traveling through the desert when he comes upon an an Indian lying on the ground stark naked with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air. He asks the Indian what he is doing, to which the Indian replies "I'm telling the time." The man tells the Indian that he doesn't believe it, so the Indian tells him that it is 1:00. The man looks at his watch and is amazed to find that it is exactly 1:00.
He travels a bit longer until he comes upon another naked Indian lying on the ground with a hard-on sticking straight up. He asks this Indian what he is doing and he too replies that he is telling the time. He tells the Indian to prove it and the Indian tells him that it is 2:00. The man looks at his watch and once again is amazed that the time is correct.
He continues his trek through the desert until he comes across an Indian lying naked in the sand, masturbating. He asks this Indian "and what the hell are you doing?"
To which the Indian replied: "I'm winding my watch!"
06-02-03, 07:39 AM #2615
The first arrest under the new "fighting words" policy was made. A reggae group performing in the Price Center was arrested after singing a song calling for the end to apartheid in South Africa and whipping up student fervor. A spokesperson for the police said that the Regents could not tolerate anyone claiming the world wasn't as kind and gentle as President Bush had officially declared it was.
The federal government completed the phasing out of lobbying in Congress, calling it a serious breach of democracy and not in the best interests of the nation. It will be replaced by a series of public auctions where both senators' and representatives' votes will be sold to the highest bidder. Already, most big businesses and many organized religions have applied for bidding privileges, gearing up to purchase votes for the bill that is now before Congress: whether to indict Senator Alan Cranston for ethics violations.
The FBI, using its new authority to arrest criminals around the world without the host country's consent, descended on Mexico last week. They arrested a Mexican national for possession of one joint, and under the America "zero tolerance" law, confiscated the entire country. President Salinas lashed out at the FBI's action, calling it an unjustifiable breach of international law, but an FBI spokesman told Salinas to shut up and finish scrubbing out the lavatory.
President Bush harshly denounced the Communist governments still holding out against reform. He criticized their violent suppression of political demonstrations and food riots, saying that police force should not be used to solve social problems. He stressed the importance of helping people to reform, rather than sentencing them to unprofitable incarceration. He then excused himself to attend a "War On Drugs" rally.
06-02-03, 07:39 AM #2616
A student walks into a car showroom and after a long talk with a salesman, he picks the car he wants to buy.
-- ``Do you have the cash to pay for it, Sir, or will you be making a hire purchase agreement?''
-- ``I'll buy it on HP, thanks.''
So the student dictates his details to the salesman, who fills in the HP application. Then, to the salesman's astonishment, he signs at the bottom of the form with a big cross and a little cross.
-- ``What are these crosses?''
-- ``Well, the big cross is my name and the little cross is `BSc (Agriculture).'''
06-02-03, 07:40 AM #2617
Painting the town red
[ Scene : The White House ]
Presidential Aide - Mr. Reagan!. Mr Reagan Sir!!! The Russians have just landed on the Moon! And they've started to paint it red! What shall we do?
Ronnie - Come back when they've finished, son.
P.A. [later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have painted a quarter of the moon red!
Ronnie - Don't worry about it, son. Tell me when they've finished.
P.A. [still later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted half the moon red! Aren't you going to do anything?
Ronnie - Nope, not yet.
P.A. [still later and even more anxious] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted THREE-QUARTERS of the moon red! Can we bomb them, Sir? Please, Sir?
Ronnie - [ as before ]
P.A. - Mr Reagan. They've painted the WHOLE moon red!
Ronnie - OK. Now call NASA, and tell them to get a rocket up there, with plenty of white paint, and paint "Coca-Cola" across it.
06-02-03, 07:41 AM #2618
A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:
Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?
Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.
Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?
Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don't **** around at those crematoriums.
06-02-03, 07:42 AM #2619
firstname.lastname@example.org (Thomas M. Hundt) writes:
James D. Haack writes:
a friend of mine just got back from Europe and has some pieces of the Berlin wall for sale ... if you are interested please write back ... I think that he wants $10 each including postage.
Seems to me, Berlin Wall pieces are a great investment! Here's what you do. Buy a chunk for $10. Cut it up into ten smaller chunks. Sell each one for $10, for a profit of $90.
Here's an idea inspired by recent net/world events:
The Berlin Wall Chain Letter
Simply send a piece of the Berlin Wall (going rate is $10) to the Dictator at the top of the following list. Then remove him from the list, and add your self at the bottom. In a few weeks, you'll be receiving thousands of pieces, enough to build a wall around your own country!
1) Deng Hsiao Ping
2) Manuel Noriega
3) Mohamar Khadafi
4) Daniel Ortega
5) Nicolae Ceausescu
P.S. If any of the above dictators are no longer in power, please remove them from the list; it's getting difficult to keep it up to date lately.
06-02-03, 08:07 AM #2620
Subject: A fat chance
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a fairy-tale myth. I'm
a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not
THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to
cook and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with
my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I
wish for, a good man.
"The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see
that friggin' map again."
"Semper Fi Mac"
06-02-03, 11:13 AM #2621
Not a joke.....but enjoyed this little story,.......
just makes us men think what we do for women.......LOL
The Wedding Zinger
A Bit of Humor by Peter McKay
Jun 1, 2003
The New York wedding this past weekend was an elegant affair, with the reception held in a modernist hall at the Museum of Natural History. I had actually bought a new tie for the occasion, and my wife purchased a new designer dress. The one thing I didn't count on was that with all those antiquities in the museum building, there would also be, to my horror, metal detectors. As I waited in line to go through the machine, I glared at my wife, vowing revenge.
This wedding was a big deal, as we very rarely go out for a night on the town that involves getting seriously dressed up. (My wife complains that most places I take her don't even require shoes.) My wife bought her aqua designer dress on eBay at a steep discount. It was beautiful, from one of those designers whose names I am supposed to recognize but never do. But because the dress was such a big deal, all the accessories had to be, too. (The hunt for an appropriate pair of matching shoes was, no exaggeration, endless. It took almost as long for my wife to find footwear as it took Stanley to find Livingston.)
She also bought, on eBay again, an antique metal purse, which she proudly displayed to me one day when I got home from work. (The purse looked a lot bigger on the Internet, shot in extreme close up. When delivered, the actual purse turned out to be about 2 inches by 3 inches, big enough to hold maybe a Tic Tac box or possibly a deck of cards, if you took out the face cards and both Jokers. My wife declared it "cute.")
The shopping for this event went down to the wire, as we scoured New York shops. One of the last purchases, made just hours before the wedding, was a new "push-up" bra. We ran back to our hotel room to get changed with only a few minutes to spare. As I was tying my tie, my wife gasped from across the hotel room.
"What?" I said.
She turned to me and grimaced. The new push-up bra worked well -- so well, in fact, that it pushed her up out of her somewhat low-cut aqua dress and into the public eye. She could keep under control, she said, if she kept adjusting every two or three minutes, but it would be a struggle.
"What do you think?" she asked, frowning.
Now, as a husband with almost 20 years' experience under my belt, I have learned that situations like this are a minefield. (Never, never, ever offer criticism of your wife's appearance and especially not right before a big fancy event. I am still living down the "Perm of 1986.") But I also knew, without any doubt, that if she left the hotel with that bra on, she'd be sorry. She sort of resembled our toaster at home when the English muffins are done.
"Your decision," I said, "but don't blame me!" I left to go wait for her in the lobby.
The whole way through the wedding ceremony, the congregation kept its eyes on the bride and groom. My wife and I, however, kept glancing down at her chest, which seemed to believe we were attending a coming out party.
After the ceremony, my wife, fed up with trying to keep herself in check, whispered that she was running to the ladies' room. She returned a moment later, clutching the overzealous bra in her fist.
"Here!" she whispered. "Put it in your suit pocket!"
I took a step back. "No!" I said. "Put it in your purse!"
She held up her teeny tiny purse and frowned at me. What with her lipstick, it was filled to the brim. I glared at her, took an angry glance around, and then stuffed the piece of offending lingerie into my suit coat breast pocket. The whole way to the reception, I kept trying to adjust my jacket. With the big lump under one arm, I looked like my wife's bodyguard instead of her husband.
A half hour later, as we stood in the security line at the museum, I watched as my wife handed the guards her teeny tiny metal purse, smiled at me and then breezed through the metal detectors. I held back, suddenly freezing as I reached into my breast pocket and felt my underwire bra.
"Sir?" the guard said. "Please step forward and place all metal objects in the tray."
It was a true dilemma. I could either attempt to sneak through security and hope that I wouldn't set off the alarm, or I could, in front of all these people, admit that I had come to the reception packing a push-up bra.
I stepped forward, knowing that I'd have to turn over my bra. I needed it back, though, as it would be perfect to strangle my wife with.
Peter McKay is an attorney and writer from Pittsburgh, PA. He grew up (actually just got older) in Chicago, Philadelphia and Florida, and graduated from Penn State University as an English major. He has recently published Welcome to the Nuthouse!, a collection of columns that chronicles a year in the life of a typical suburban family
© 2003 Creators Syndicate, Inc.
06-02-03, 06:53 PM #2622
Originally posted by thedrifter
"**** Happens" in various religions
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: No **** happens until Armaggedon.
SECULAR HUMANISM: **** evolves.
REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When **** doesn't happen, don't call a doctor--pray.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: Ding, dong, **** happens.
SECULAR HUMANISM: **** happens to evolve.
REFORM JUDAISM: ****, happen to have any Pepto?
MORMONISM: When **** finally happens, be sure you've stocked your garage with a ****load of canned goods.
SHINTOISM: **** happens even to your dead ancestors.
SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTISM: **** really happens on Saturdays.
CHURCH OF THE WORLD CREATOR: **** happens to non-Aryans.
SCIENTOLOGY: Your mind can overcome any **** that happens.
SALVATION ARMY: **** happens ring ring ring ring ring ring.
HARE KRISHNAISM: **** happens rama lama ding ding.
SATANISM: I can MAKE **** happen to you....
WICCA: Blessed be - **** happens.
PAGANISM: My gods say: **** happens.
ATHEISM: There is no God - **** happens by itself.
UNIFICATION CHURCH (MOONIES): **** won't happen if you submit to a marriage arranged by Rev. Moon in a mass ceremony.
TIBETAN BUDDHISM: The Dalai Lama says: "****, whatever happened to 'Free Tibet'?"
RASTAFARIANISM: Mon, let's SMOKE this ****!
06-03-03, 07:30 AM #2623
Communists in England
The tour started at 9:00 am and the factory was just starting to fill with employees...
GORBY: "What these people do?"
MAGGIE: "Oh, they are just starting work!"
GORBY: "AAAARRggghhh! In Russia, start at 5:00 am"
So, they walk around for a while, viewing some machinery and at 10:30 a hooter sounds and the factory workers leave.
G: "Where they go?"
M: "Oh, it is morning tea time. They have a break for 20 minutes."
G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! In Russia, no morning tea."
At 12:00 noon the two VIP's are viewing plans for a new factory and a hooter sounds and the factory workers leave, again.
G: "Where they go now?"
M: "Oh, it is lunch time. They take a break for an hour."
G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! One hour. In Russia, is ten minutes lunch."
At precisely 2:15 pm a hooter sounds, and again the workers leave the factory.
G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! Another break, nyet?"
M: "Yes, another break. They get 20 minutes afternoon smoke!"
At 4:30 pm another hooter sounds and the factory grinds to a halt.
G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! Another break?"
M: "No, they've finished for the day."
G: "In Russia start at 5:00 am, no breaks, ten minutes lunch, no breaks, work till 7:00 pm at night. Right through, no breaks. Why you not make them work harder?"
M: "Oh, we can't do that!"
G: "Why you can't make them work harder?"
M: "Because they're all communists."
06-03-03, 07:30 AM #2624
The Real Reason Nobody Ever Sees Santa
A small boy stands agape on the stairway overlooking the living room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and white toque hunches over the fireplace, filling stockings with gifts, sees the boy over his shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly.
Caption: "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you."
06-03-03, 07:32 AM #2625
Teach your children
Two guys recently dead were given the option to stay either in Heaven or Hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was OK to look around first, and to their surprise, it was.
First, they went to Heaven. All nice-guys were there, dressed in white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought our heroes.
"Let's go to Hell," they said to each other.
Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars, casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of people having a real good time.
Back from Hell, the guys where asked to chose between Heaven and Hell. They both chose Hell.
Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a sub-surface car and driven to a coal mine. Someone gave them a shovel each and told them to start working.
"What's this? The last time we were here the place was entirely different."
"Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants.
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