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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
05-30-03, 06:33 AM #2566
I think you might have posted in the wrong place.
This doesn't sound like a joke. It just might work.
05-30-03, 08:08 AM #2567
guy walks into this sporting goods store in Alaska, immediately spies a rather haggard-looking old salt of a store clerk sitting by the cash register.
"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
"Yep," answers the clerk.
"Got any bear bells?"
"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so bears know yer in the perimiter so's they can runs away ..."
"Yep. Over yonder ..."
"Great. I'll take one fer black bears, and one fer grizzlies. Say, how'd you know if yer in black bear country anyway?"
"Look fer scatt."
"Oh. Well, how how'd you know if there's GRIZZLIES????!"
"Look fer scatt."
"You just said that!"
"Yeah. But grizzly scatt's different."
"Well now, just what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
05-30-03, 08:09 AM #2568
Appl. to live in West Virginia
APPLICATION TO LIVE IN WEST VIRGINIA
Name:______________ Nickname:____________ CB Handle:____________
Address: (RFD):____________________________________________ _____
Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________
Neck Shade:  Light Red  Medium Red  Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:______ Lower:________
Name of Pickup Owned:______________ Height of truck:__________
Truck Equipped with:
 Gun Rack  4-Wheel Drive  Confederate Flag  Toothpick Holder
 8-Track  Load of Wood  Hijacker Shocks  Mud-grip Tires
 Big Dog  Racoon Hide  Dual CB Antenna  Fuzz Buster
 Spitoon  Camper Top  Mag Wheels  Air Horns
 Mud Flaps
Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________
 Eat More Possum  Peanut Butter  Honk if You Love Jesus
 Wave if You're Horny  Redman Chewing Tobacco
Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
 Grits  Muscadine  Cobbler  Tater
 Goobers  Brogans  Fatback  Pig Skins
 Collards  Redeye Gravy  Tote  Pinto Beans
 Sidemeat  Sawmill Gravy  Poke  Turnip Salit
 Chitlins  Soppin Syrup  Cracker  ****-on-Shingle
 Donna Fargo  Conway Twitty  Loretta Lynn  Hank Williams
 Elvis  Slim Whitman  Tammy Wynette  Porter Wagoner
 Johnny Cash  Willie Nelson  George Jones  Box Car Willie
 Square Dancin'  Possum Huntin'  Skinny Dippin'
 Craw Daddin'  Gospel Singin'  4-Wheelin'
 Drankin'  Bull Chip Throwin'  Blue Grass Conventions
 Spitten' backy  Other
 Deer Rifle  Bird Gun  Varmit Rifle  Sawed-off Shotgun
 Tire Iron  Pick Handle  Log Chain  Power (chain) saw
Number of Hound Dogs:___ Type:  Blue Tick  Black & Tan  Beagle
Emblem:  John Deere  CAT  Budweiser  McCullock Chain Saw
 PBR  NAPA  Coors  Skoals
Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____
Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____
Number of Dependents (Legal):______ (Claimed):______
 KKK  NRA  Moose  PTL Club  VFW  American Legion
 Bass Club  United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
Length of Left Leg:______ Length of Right Leg:______
Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______
How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your front
Will you be a part of the West Virginia Intelligentsia with a measurable
Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______
Do you own any shoes, if so how many? ______
What year did you last purchase shoes? ______
Are you married to any of the following?
 Sister  Cousin  Sow Do you know her name? ______
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ______
To 21 with your fly up? ______
Do you have at least 2 of the following:
 BO  Crabs  Head Lice  Bad Breath
 Scabies  Trench Mouth  Runny Nose
Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______
Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______
05-30-03, 08:09 AM #2569
You get what you pay for
A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my `wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
05-30-03, 08:10 AM #2570
There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.
When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.
The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?"
The American thinks to himself "Great--if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.
The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."
05-30-03, 08:11 AM #2571
Up a creek
A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,
"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:
05-30-03, 08:12 AM #2572
You can't get there from here
A cabbie is driving by the Empire State Building one day when he's flagged down by a fellow with a neat moustache, wearing a bowler hat and carrying an umbrella. The fellow gets into the cab.
"Where to?" asks the cabbie.
"Trafalgar Square, if you please," replies the fare in a clipped English public-school accent.
The cabbie doesn't bat an eyelash. "That's fifty-percent extra for out-of-town trips," he says, "and ya gotta pay all tolls an' ferry fares."
"Very well," replies the English gentleman, and so off they go. The cabbie drives to Kennedy International, arranges the trip to London, and drives his cab into the hold of a huge auto-transport plane. All the way across the Atlantic they fly, the meter running all the while. (Fifteen cents per sixty seconds not in motion, you know.) When they arrive at Heathrow they disembark, and the cabbie drives to Trafalgar Square.
The English gentleman pays the fare and a good tip besides and disappears into the crowd. The cabbie decides that he may not ever have another chance to see London, so he'll drive around a bit before going back. While he's sightseeing, another fellow by the curb flags him down and gets in the cab.
"Flatbush Avenue, please."
The cabbie scowls back at him and shouts, "I don't go ta Brooklyn!"
05-30-03, 08:13 AM #2573
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
05-30-03, 08:14 AM #2574
Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination were taken by an old priest into a luxurious room, told to strip and then tie a small bell around their organ. Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room, and one bell ding-a-linged furiously. "To the showers, Fogarty!" barked the old priest.
Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling.
"Sorry about that, O'Brian. The showers for you, too."
Finally alone with the naked lovely, the remaining seminarian watched as the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained calm and the bell silent.
"Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest exulted. "You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers."
05-30-03, 08:15 AM #2575
Cowboy and the horse
Old west... A bar... All of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and a cowboy in black enters... Black hat, black foulard, black shirt, black trousers, black boots, black gloves, black belt, and a black pair of guns...
Everyone looks at him with fearful eyes. He approaches the barman, and asks:
"Do you have a bucket?"
Barman runs inside, finds a wooden bucket, comes back. The cowboy in black looks to the bucket, and orders:
"Now, bring me three bottles of whiskey."
"Pour them into the bucket."
"And now, bring this to my horse outside."
The frightened and surprised barman does what the cowboy in black tells.
He finds a horse, black as night, tied in front of the bar, completely in black harness. It drinks all the whiskey at once.
Then the barman returns back inside the bar. The cowboy very carefully looks into the bucket, sees that nothing is left, and asks:
"What do I owe for this?"
Barman, while calculating the price, asks:
"Won't you drink anything?"
The cowboy in black replies:
"No. I don't drink and drive."
05-30-03, 08:15 AM #2576
couple decided to stay at a very exclusive, WASP only hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprised to find they owe $3000.
"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed.
"So?" said the manager, "This is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."
"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.
"If you didn't use--that's your problem," came the reply.
"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.
"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"
"If you didn't use--that's your problem!"
05-30-03, 08:16 AM #2577
Phone a loan
A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.
"No. My husband wouldn't approve."
"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"
"Well, for $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."
So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!) In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?"
"Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern.
"And did he leave $1000?"
"Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst.
"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
05-31-03, 08:10 AM #2578
One year at Hallowe'en the governor of Illinois was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were.
When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse."
As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane."
...and so on as each guest arrived.
Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.
"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department, the doorman asked, "How shall I announce you?"
The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation."
"I'm very sorry sir" said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."
"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants."
05-31-03, 08:11 AM #2579
Everything looks better with a fresh coat of paint...
An eager, but less than bright, young entrepreneur decides to go into the painting business. So he wanders into the rich part of town, paint brush in hand, and knocks at the door of a large house.
"Good day, sir. I was wondering if you had any painting you need done."
The owner of the house, a rich man by any standard, looks speculatively at the painter. He perceives a vibrant entrepreneurial spirit, which reminds him of his own ambition in his younger days.
"Hmmm. Yes, I think my porch needs a coat or two of paint."
The eager young painter rushes off around the side of the house...
Several hours later, he returns to the front door, his clothes dripping paint, and knocks again.
"Sir, I've finished! But I have to tell you, that wasn't a porch, it was a Ferarri."
05-31-03, 08:12 AM #2580
Birds of a feather....
Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stock, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked, "Papa stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked, "Mama stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.
Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.
"Out scaring the **** out of college students," replied baby stork.
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