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  1. #2131
    Mozart

    A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, "Absolutely brilliant lovely oh, a fine fellow a genius, Mozart was."

    The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No.5 bus going to South Padre Island."

    There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, "We're leaving right now."

    In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, "Youre really mad about something aren't you?"

    "How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to South Padre Island, huh? Everybody knows that the No. 5 Bus doesn't go to South Padre Island!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #2132
    Joining the FBI

    3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview. The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.

    I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

    The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.

    The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

    The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  3. #2133
    I Said the F-Word

    A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father during the week I said the F-word."

    The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven."

    The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

    "Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy.

    "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

    "No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough."

    "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

    "No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green."

    "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

    "No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it."

    "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

    "No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball."

    "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

    "No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole."

    The priest said, "Don't tell me you missed the ****ing putt!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #2134
    This was sent to me by ladileathrnek.......................


    Marine answering machine


    http://rizzo.princeton.edu/audio/USM...INGMACHINE.mp3

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #2135
    "The Late Osama"
    > > >
    > > > After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way
    > > > to the pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington.
    > > > "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled
    > > > Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
    > > >
    > > > Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted to end the
    > > > American's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama
    > > > in the nose.
    > > >
    > > > James Madison came next and said, "This is why I allowed the
    > > > government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge
    > > > hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
    > > >
    > > > Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph, James
    > > > Monroe and 67 other people who had the same love for liberty and
    > > > America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him
    > > > back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
    > > >
    > > > As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he
    > > > screamed, "This is not what I was promised!" An angel replied, "I
    > > > told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did
    > > > you think I said?"
    > > >

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #2136
    Dating Vs Marriage
    When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
    When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

    When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
    When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

    When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
    When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

    When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
    When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

    When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
    When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

    When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
    When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

    When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
    When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

    When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
    When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

    When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
    When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

    When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
    When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

    When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
    When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

    When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
    When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

    When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
    When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

    When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
    When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #2137
    A Man's Guide To Female English

    -- We need to talk = I need to complain

    -- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

    -- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

    -- We need = I want

    -- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

    -- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

    -- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

    -- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

    -- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

    -- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period

    -- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

    -- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

    -- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

    -- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

    -- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

    -- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

    -- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

    -- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

    -- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

    -- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

    -- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

    -- Yes = No

    -- No = No

    -- Maybe = No

    -- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

    -- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

    -- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

    -- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

    -- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #2138
    God Grants Wishes

    The night before a couple were about to be married, they both were killed in a car accident. They arrived in Heaven and asked St. Peter if they could still get married.



    The couple were called in to actually see God. God spoke, 'I will grant you your wish. But not right now. It may be a few days or a few years, but I will allow you to be married.'



    Five years came and went and the couple were finally call upon to get married. After one day of wedding 'bliss', they went back to God to see if they could get a divorce. They were sure the marriage would not last.



    God spoke, 'It took me five years to finally get a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!'

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #2139
    The Doctor and the Lawyer

    A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"



    "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."



    The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #2140
    What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?
    General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .

    HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

    HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
    CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

    HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
    CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

    HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

    HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
    CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

    HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
    CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

    HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
    CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

    HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

    HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
    CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

    HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
    CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"

    HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
    CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"

    HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

    HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

    HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
    CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

    HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
    CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #2141
    Office Vocabulary

    Blamestorming:
    Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed, and who was responsible.

    Seagull manager:
    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, ****s over everything, then leaves.

    Salmon day:
    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

    Chainsaw Consultant:
    An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

    CLM:
    "Career Limiting Move". Used amongst microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss whilst he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB: Career Limiting Behavior.)

    Adminisphere:
    The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

    Flight risk:
    Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

    404:
    Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404: Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . he's 404, man."

    Ohnosecond:
    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

    Percussive maintenance:
    The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

    Prairie dogging:
    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a" cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

    Assmosis:
    The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #2142
    Little Johnny was on a plane when a stranger seated next to him said,"I've heard that flights go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny who just opened his book, replied, "What would you like to discuss?" " Oh I don't know," said the stranger."How about nuclear power?""Okay," said Little Johnny."That could be interesting. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same grass.Yet a deer excretes little pellets,a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?""Gosh," said the stranger."I have no idea." "Well,then, replied Little Johnny, How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power,when you don't know sh*t?" It was a long trip....


  13. #2143
    Tom Swifties

    "Boy, these blintzes are good!" said Tom judiciously.

    " I'm an ordained minister," said Tom reverently.

    " ," said Tom blankly.

    " ..., and you lose a few," said Tom winsomely.

    "I've struck oil," Tom said, crudely.

    "A thousand thanks, Monsieur," said Tom mercifully.

    "Add this list of n numbers and divide the sum by n," said Tom meanly.

    "As soon as the rain stops, we'll break camp," said Tom intently.

    "Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly.

    "Boy, will I give YOU a haircut!" said Tom barbarously.

    "Buy me something to drink?" said Tom dryly.

    "Get away from the dynamite," Tom said explosively.

    "Give me some more macaroni and cheese, and I'll tell you," said Tom craftily.

    "I'd love some Chinese food," said Tom wantonly.

    "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.

    "I collect fairy tales," said Tom grimly.

    "I commanded a group of ships for a week," Tom said fleetingly.

    "As my sole heir, you get it all," said Tom willfully.

    "I forgot what to buy," Tom said listlessly.

    "I hate pies with crumb bases," said Tom crustily.

    "I joined the Lion's Club," said Tom pride fully.

    "I just returned from Japan," Tom said disoriented.

    "I know all the wherefores," said Tom wisely.

    "I MUST patch this coat." Tom said raggedly.

    "I need a home run hitter," Tom said ruthlessly.

    "I need a pencil sharpener," said Tom bluntly.

    "I only get Newsweek," said Tom timelessly.

    "I punched him in the stomach three times," said Tom triumphantly.

    "I still haven't struck oil," said Tom boringly.

    "I think I'll use a different font," said Tom boldly.

    "I want to date around," said Tom unsteadily.

    "I was adopted," said Tom transparently.

    "I was removed from office," said Tom disappointedly.

    "I won the daily double," Tom cried hoarsely.

    "I don't like hot dogs," Tom said frankly.

    "I'll pay off that customs official," said Tom dutifully.

    "I'll try and dig it up for you," Tom said gravely.

    "I'm back from my lobotomy," said Tom absentmindedly.

    "I'm knitting a sweater for my guppy," said Tom wolfishly.

    "I've lost my trousers," Tom said expansively.

    "I've made a study of girls," said Tom lassitudinously.

    "It's the maid's night off," said Tom helplessly.

    "Keep an eye on that orbit," Tom said watchfully.

    "Let's get married," said Tom engagingly.

    "Let's visit tombs," said Tom cryptically.

    "Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally.

    "Mush!" Tom said huskily.

    "My pencil is dull," said Tom pointlessly.

    "My stereo is broken," said Tom disconsolately.

    "My stereo's half-fixed," said Tom monotonously.

    "My stereo is working great now," said Tom ecstatically.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #2144
    The Problem
    A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
    "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
    "I'll need the information for the doctor."
    "It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
    "Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.""Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
    Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #2145
    The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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