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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
03-02-13, 02:10 PM #19636
03-02-13, 02:38 PM #19637
Judge Judy to Prostitute:
"When did you realize you were raped?"
Prostitute (wiping away tears): "When the check bounced."
The American Public will soon reach the same conclusion
03-02-13, 02:39 PM #19638
I was in Lake Havasu City the other day and I saw a bumper sticker
on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago ."
So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of
the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"
03-03-13, 09:12 AM #19639
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts
them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner
didn't see anything!" *
*The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show you there is nobody
better than a Jew." He goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry and I
will show you a magic trick.'' *
*Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a pastry. The Jew swallows it
and ask for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks
for another one and swallows it just the same. *
*The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and says,
"What did you do with the pastry? Are you trying to fool me?" *
*The Jew answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket."
03-03-13, 12:26 PM #19640
Obama Wants To Be Next Pope
WASHINGTON, DC - Sources close to the White House have learned that Barack Obama is planning to run for the office of Pope when the College of Cardinals convenes to elect a successor to ailing Benedict XVI at the end of this month.
Calling on the promise of Equality for All, Obama is said to firmly believe that the time has come for a non-Catholic to occupy the Vatican's highest office.
Foreseeing a looming citizenship issue, he states that he has discovered an Italian birth certificate that proves he was born in Rome before he was born in Kenya. "That Hawaiian birth certificate never has been worth what I paid for it anyway," he noted.
Continuing, he concluded, "And there's no way that a handful of cardinals could be more expensive to buy than 10 million voters in Michigan."
Further questions should be directed to Obama's Papal Campaign Manager, Abdul Azeem Khan.
03-04-13, 08:21 AM #19641
03-04-13, 08:37 AM #19642
03-04-13, 08:42 AM #19643
03-04-13, 01:40 PM #19644
Had a bad snow storm here last week got Two Feet Of Snow
Wichita received 14.2” of snow late last week………followed by 6.8” during the past two days………for a February total of 21.0”, an all-time monthly snow fall record in Wichita.
Kansas City received even more snow……….scroll down to see what two feet of snow looks like.
HEY !! DON'T YELL AT ME--- I DON'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP--I JUST SEND IT ALONG ----(and I know you will too)
03-04-13, 01:48 PM #19645
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had
married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old
neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their
old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they’d shared, where Harry had carved “I love you, Barbara.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Barbara quickly picked it up and, not
sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -
fifty thousand dollars!
Harry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Barbara said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid
it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking
for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find
a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Barbara said, “No”.
Harry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Barbara said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile” The agents turned to
Harry and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Harry said, “Well, when Barbara and I were walking home from school
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE
03-04-13, 06:26 PM #19646
Several days after President Obama was reelected president, he went over to
see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if he could
use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see
that Clinton had a golden urinal! Wow!
The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton's
private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal
too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too
self-indulgent... Even for a guy like me!"
Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary
how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold
urinal in his private bathroom.
Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
"I found out who pi$$ed in your saxophone”
03-05-13, 11:53 AM #19647
"Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."
"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."
"I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife."
"They don't do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It's like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head."
Jim Furyk's swing - "It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."
"He's (Luke Don ald) a bloody walking ATM. I slid my AmEx between the cheeks of his ass and out popped $500."
Describing VJ's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."
"That's a great shot with that swing."
"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."
At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."
"That was a great shot - if they'd put the pin there today."
"Everything moves except his bowels."
"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."
"That green appears smaller than a Pygmies' nipple".
03-06-13, 08:24 AM #19648
Gunny pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.
The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.
"Ah," says Gunny, "you farted too?"
Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
Avoid Sears Home Improvement!
03-07-13, 06:48 AM #19649
I NO COME WORK TODAY.
Wong Chow calls into work and says, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work..
The boss says, You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.
Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. I do what you say and I feel great... I be at work soon..... You got nice house.
03-07-13, 06:52 AM #19650
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way."What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year, they send us a complete prick."
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