Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1309
  1. #19621

  2. #19622

  3. #19623
    Had a bad snow storm here last week got Two Feet Of Snow

    Wichita received 14.2” of snow late last week………followed by 6.8” during the past two days………for a February total of 21.0”, an all-time monthly snow fall record in Wichita.

    Kansas City received even more snow……….scroll down to see what two feet of snow looks like.










    Click image for larger version

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    HEY !! DON'T YELL AT ME--- I DON'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP--I JUST SEND IT ALONG ----(and I know you will too)


  4. #19624

    No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.











    An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had


    married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old


    neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their


    old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk


    they’d shared, where Harry had carved “I love you, Barbara.”











    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,


    practically landing at their feet. Barbara quickly picked it up and, not


    sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -


    fifty thousand dollars!











    Harry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”











    Barbara said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid


    it in their attic.











    The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking


    for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find


    a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”











    Barbara said, “No”.











    Harry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.











    Barbara said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile” The agents turned to


    Harry and began to question him.











    One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”











    Harry said, “Well, when Barbara and I were walking home from school


    yesterday ...”











    The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”























    TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE



  5. #19625
    Several days after President Obama was reelected president, he went over to
    see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home.

    After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if he could
    use his personal bathroom.
    When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see
    that Clinton had a golden urinal! Wow!

    The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton's
    private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal
    too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too
    self-indulgent... Even for a guy like me!"

    Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary
    how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold
    urinal in his private bathroom.

    Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
    "I found out who pi$$ed in your saxophone”


  6. #19626
    Feherty Quotes:

    "Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."

    "That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."

    "I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife."

    "They don't do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It's like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head."

    Jim Furyk's swing - "It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."

    "He's (Luke Don ald) a bloody walking ATM. I slid my AmEx between the cheeks of his ass and out popped $500."

    Describing VJ's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."

    "That's a great shot with that swing."

    "It's OK - the bunker stopped it."

    At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."

    "That was a great shot - if they'd put the pin there today."

    "Everything moves except his bowels."

    "Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."

    "That green appears smaller than a Pygmies' nipple".


  7. #19627
    Gunny pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.

    The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.

    "Ah," says Gunny, "you farted too?"

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  8. #19628
    I NO COME WORK TODAY.

    Wong Chow calls into work and says, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work..

    The boss says, You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.

    Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. I do what you say and I feel great... I be at work soon..... You got nice house.


  9. #19629
    At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said:
    "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
    "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
    "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way."What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
    "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
    "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
    "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year, they send us a complete prick."


  10. #19630
    The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .



    Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.



    The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!



    1.This is this cat.

    2. This is is cat.

    3. This is how cat.

    4. This is to cat.

    5. This is keep cat.

    6. This is an cat.

    7. This is old cat.

    8. This is fart cat.

    9. This is busy cat.

    10. This is for cat.

    11. This is forty cat.

    12. This is seconds cat.



    Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down. I bet you cannot resist passing it on..


  11. #19631
    A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

    "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

    "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

    "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

    "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

    "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

    "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is amonster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. Creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
    hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

    "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

    "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs outof the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

    "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

    "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

    "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

    "You missed the f*^%#g putt, didn't you?"


  12. #19632
    A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

    The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

    The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
    something.

    If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
    German?

    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

    Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

    Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

    The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

    The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did
    you ask me if I'm Polish?"

    The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."


  13. #19633
    While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where.
    She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

    This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

    What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

    The Beretta Jetfire:




    Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took...the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

    It's one of the best pistols in my collection.



  14. #19634

  15. #19635
    The classics never get old:



    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

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