Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

[irpat54]

This is quite funny.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Gove rnments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Ed Palmer]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.


When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids


are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.


After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking


of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,


and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your
stick?

That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so just shut up.'

[Ed Palmer]

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
_________





At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,


'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
____________



When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
_________





A woman is incomplete until she is married..


Then she is finished .
__________





A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________



A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa ,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________



Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until


I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
_________



Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________



If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention


to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________



Just think, if it weren't for marriage,


men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________





First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky. Mine's still alive.'
__________



'A Woman's Prayer’
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man,


Love to forgive him, and patience for his moods.


Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

[irpat54]

[irpat54]

[Ed Palmer]

OBAMA ON THE GOLF COURSE...








An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the Island of Martha's Vineyard. She slipped and fell.

Obama, who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered,







"It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I'm your President. Are you going to vote for me



in the next election? "

The elderly woman laughed and replied:''I fell on my ahs, not on my head!"

[kaelobo]

Where are my credits, i just noticed somone took or borrow them. question is Why would someone do that. I JUST DONT GET IT,

[kaelobo]

Oh there they are never mind,

[David R 1968]

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I
desperately gave myself a personal pat down.


I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search
in the meeting room revealed nothing.


Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for
leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is
the best place not to lose them.

Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying
conclusion.

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,
confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been
stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all,
"Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in
times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."


There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but
then I heard her voice.

"Idiot," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,
"Well, come and get me."

She retorted,
"I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen
your car."


Yep it's the golden years.

[rickyracer]

That was a good one....

[irpat54]

[David R 1968]

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man! Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. "Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them mother fvckers" - and he calmly returned to his seat.

[awbrown1462]

[David R 1968]

Dear Sir: The results from the laboratory confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancerous. It was lipstick. We apologize for the amputation. Regards, Dick Less, MD, F.R.C.s.