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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-25-12, 06:38 AM #19021
Couldn't have heard it wrong, bush and cheney were the only ones around then!
06-25-12, 08:17 AM #19022
A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck
owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:
'Didn't you say to the state trooper
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my
fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down
da road.... '
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the
this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now
several weeks after the accident, he is
trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to
the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what
he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.
Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de
Trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and
trailer came tundering tru a stop
sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one
ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder
By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move.
An even vurse dan dat, I could
hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain
yust by her
after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
hear Bessie a moanin' and a
groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
condition, he took out his
Gun and shot her right between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock vud you say?'
06-25-12, 08:58 AM #19023
Old but still funny
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, Allah Akbar! "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!” So tomorrow, bright and early, I am going out and getting a job as a truck driver.
06-25-12, 09:34 AM #19024
06-26-12, 07:08 AM #19025
06-26-12, 08:39 AM #19026
06-29-12, 08:17 AM #19027
Always learn new stuff!
Longest Nerve In The Body
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a
sh**ty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your axx and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eyes.
My public service is done for the day!
06-29-12, 08:24 AM #19028
NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRY TO GET IT
THE BIG DOG ALWAYS TAKES IT FROM US
06-30-12, 03:37 PM #19029
Cell phone etiquette
> Eric's Train Ride
> After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her
eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
> As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled
out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart, it's
Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four
thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the
accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my
life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
> Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman
sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous loud
blabbing, yelled: "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to
> Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any more.
07-01-12, 12:43 PM #19030
Al Qa'eda To Go On Strike
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from the shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are just not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in Liverpool, Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
07-02-12, 08:17 AM #19031
I was in Star Buck`s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod
…and how was your day?
That's what happens when old people start using technology !
07-02-12, 08:23 AM #19032
A self-important college freshman walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the steps why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
“You grew up in a different world…
Actually an almost primitive one”…..
The student said loud enough for others to hear.
The young people of today grew up with television…. jet planes… space travel… man walking on the moon.
We have nuclear energy… ships …. mobile phones …. computers that work at light speed …and much more.
After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows
“You are right son.
We did not have those things when we were young … so we invented them.
Now you arrogant little sh*t what are you doing for the next generation?
07-03-12, 07:26 AM #19033A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flew out and hit the windshield.
To hide her embarrassment the mother turned and said to her young kids, My what a big insect!"
To which her 7 year old (Evan) said, “I’m surprised it could fly with a d!ck that big."
07-03-12, 08:00 AM #19034
07-03-12, 08:02 AM #19035
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