Chuckles of the Day...

[ameriken]

[David R 1968]

"You Gotta Be Sh*ttin Me?"

Who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Sh*ttin Me?" Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat.It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware .Washingtonand his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washingtonwas the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men.We are tired, wet, exhausted, anddesperately need warmth and comfort.' Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.How many men do you have?' Washingtonreplied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .' And the Madam said, 'You gotta be sh*ttin me.'

[irpat54]

[irpat54]

[David R 1968]

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'" The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now." The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.
The man says, "What is that for?"
The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."

[Ed Palmer]

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for
himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were
booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would
see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them
onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short
cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy 3 Dramamines
and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a
five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the
same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was
delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was
elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more
Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not
trying to pry . . . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"

[Ed Palmer]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners often help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.

[irpat54]

[irpat54]

[David R 1968]

Opportunity may knock once,But temptation bangs on the front door forever.

Realities

NUMBER 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

NUMBER 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

NUMBER 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

NUMBER 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

NUMBER 6
Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

NUMBER 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

NUMBER 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

NUMBER 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

NUMBER 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

As someone recently said to me . . .
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long".

[Marine1955]

A woman was helping her husband to install his new computer.


Once they finished the installation,


it says to her husband that he must choose a password.


... something which he will remember

because it will be needed to start a session.


The man a little macho… wanting to pass a message to his wife,


he chooses a password and is eager to see her reaction.


When the computer requests the password of him… he looks at his wife with a tempting air and types:



PENIS





When her husband pressed (enter) she throws herself on the ground laughing hysterically....




Because the computer answered her husband: ......








Access denied… too short

[David R 1968]

At dawn, the telephone rings ... "Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead". "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?" "Si, Señor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Señor Rod." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Señor." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" "Yes, Señor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Señor Rod." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Señor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft." SILENCE ... LONG SILENCE ... VERY LONG SILENCE ... "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t."

[irpat54]

Dying Priest
> >
> >
> > In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital.
> > For years
> > he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital
> > and was
> > well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his
> > nurse to
> > come near.
> >
> > "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
> >
> > "I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid
> > before I
> > die," whispered the priest.
> >
> > "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
> >
> > The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and
> > waited for
> > a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry
> > Reid would
> > be delighted to visit the priest.
> >
> > As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid , "I
> > don't know
> > why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly
> > help our
> > images and might even get me re-elected." Reid agreed that
> > it was a
> > good thing.
> >
> > When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took
> > Obama's hand in
> > his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was
> > silence and
> > a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally
> > President Obama
> > spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why
> > did you
> > choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
> >
> > The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to
> > pattern my life
> > after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
> >
> > "Amen", said Obama.
> >
> > "Amen", said Reid.
> >
> > The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying
> > thieves; I
> > would like to do the same."

[Gary Miner]

First time I heard this joke, the priest had asked for bush and cheney? weird, huh?

[rickyracer]

You must have heard it wrong.

Good thing it is corrected.