Chuckles of the Day...

[David R 1968]

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it is GREAT!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let’s get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least the ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

[DrZ]

The Slap...

Sitting together on a train was Obama, a man from Texas, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later...there is a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. They look at each other but no one says a word!

The old lady thinks...Obama must have groped the blonde and she slapped him.

The blonde thinks... Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed, and fondled the old lady...and she slapped him.

Obama thinks...the man from Texas must have groped the blonde in the dark, she tried to slap him...missed and slapped me instead.

The man from Texas thinks.... I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap the idiot again!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ed Palmer]

I got home late last night and my wife left me a message in the kitchen.......




..

[Ed Palmer]

American made Manure spreader



Kenyan born Manure spreader

[irpat54]

[David R 1968]

Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.' Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do? Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..' Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?' Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.

[Ed Palmer]

Bud was hunting geese up in a Louisiana rice field. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Bud took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.














Several hours later, lying in a Lafayette hospital bed, he comes to.... and there is his doctor, Boudreaux...

"Well Bud, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the shot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Bud...

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive shot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Louisa ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Bud. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Dr. Boudreaux says. "She's a flute player in the Lafayette Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't pizs in your eye.

[irpat54]

[irpat54]

[irpat54]

[kaelobo]

This could be a joke but its the truth, when i was running the streets smoken and coken and joken, wife told me if idid not stop she would throw my stuff on the front yard,came home about 4 in the morning,my buds roll up to my house my stuff was on the lawn my dirty underwear were hanging in the tree,that was 30yrs ago,i still married same Lady,and my friends still talk about it,

[Ed Palmer]

[irpat54]

[Ed Palmer]

Why you shouldn't wear a Bluetooth earpiece





Good example of what not to do.

[Ed Palmer]

Remember the couple who sneaked into the White House with no credentials?


WELL --- They're still there