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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-13-12, 09:52 AM #18976
06-13-12, 11:33 AM #18977
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
The Proud, The Few, The Constitutional Marine
06-13-12, 11:35 AM #18978
06-13-12, 07:26 PM #18979
Amazing simple home remedies: These really work!!
1. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. To avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat- use the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. [remember to use a timer.]
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives – you’ll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
Avoid Sears Home Improvement!
06-13-12, 07:56 PM #18980
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it is GREAT!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let’s get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least the ***** knows I'm smarter than her.
06-15-12, 09:28 AM #18981
Sitting together on a train was Obama, a man from Texas, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later...there is a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. They look at each other but no one says a word!
The old lady thinks...Obama must have groped the blonde and she slapped him.
The blonde thinks... Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed, and fondled the old lady...and she slapped him.
Obama thinks...the man from Texas must have groped the blonde in the dark, she tried to slap him...missed and slapped me instead.
The man from Texas thinks.... I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap the idiot again!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not particularly brave, courageous, nor even very smart. But I am a US Marine which makes up for all my other failings. - DrZ
"Some people live an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference in the world, Marines don't have that problem." President Ronald Regan
DrZ is the internet name I selected in the early days at University. So keep in mind I never was a DevilDoc.
Si Vis Pacem Para bellum
06-16-12, 06:30 AM #18982
06-16-12, 03:52 PM #18983
American made Manure spreader
Kenyan born Manure spreader
06-16-12, 09:25 PM #18984
06-17-12, 05:44 AM #18985Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the
bush. You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?
Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in
hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers,
40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a
gallon of prune juice..'
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what
your arse is for.
06-17-12, 07:00 AM #18986
Bud was hunting geese up in a Louisiana rice field. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Bud took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Lafayette hospital bed, he comes to.... and there is his doctor, Boudreaux...
"Well Bud, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the shot."
"What's the bad news?", asks Bud...
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive shot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Louisa ."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Bud. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Dr. Boudreaux says. "She's a flute player in the Lafayette Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't pizs in your eye.
06-17-12, 10:50 AM #18987
06-17-12, 10:51 AM #18988
06-17-12, 10:52 AM #18989
06-17-12, 11:13 AM #18990
This could be a joke but its the truth, when i was running the streets smoken and coken and joken, wife told me if idid not stop she would throw my stuff on the front yard,came home about 4 in the morning,my buds roll up to my house my stuff was on the lawn my dirty underwear were hanging in the tree,that was 30yrs ago,i still married same Lady,and my friends still talk about it,
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