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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
05-29-12, 03:25 PM #18931
Last night I was talking to an absolutely gorgeous girl.
She asked me which I preferred, legs or breasts.
Well, I don't even have to think about that one, I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
I guess I'm no longer allowed at KFC anymore.
05-29-12, 03:39 PM #18932
The instructor told him if the engine cut out, to find a place to land such as a road or level field.
He asked the instructor, 'what do you do at night when you can't see'?
The instructor told him 'turn on your landing lights and that may help you find a place to land'.
He pressed on, 'what if it's night, you turn on your landing lights and still can't find anything'?
The instructor said 'then turn the lights off'.
05-29-12, 03:45 PM #18933
Man is he going to be in trouble you are not allowed to put anything in the pockets LOL
05-29-12, 03:47 PM #18934
05-29-12, 03:49 PM #18935
05-29-12, 03:50 PM #18936
05-30-12, 12:42 PM #18937
05-30-12, 08:10 PM #18938
MAN ON A MOPED
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic signal. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
Doc replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That's a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, “Do you mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped.”
Just then the traffic signal changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ... something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped. Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
Doc stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I'm a doctor ... is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!”
Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
Avoid Sears Home Improvement!
05-31-12, 06:26 AM #18939
Three young New York Primary pupils with a reputation as being likeable rogues decided that they needed to improve their street cred. After much debate they decided that they needed to have cool nicknames:
Ryan became Rydo
Alan became Aldo
Dylan became ................
Poor wee soul had no idea!!
05-31-12, 12:58 PM #18940
Happy and Sad
A couple were sitting watching a TV program about psychologywhich was explaining the phenomenon of"mixed emotions."
The guy turned to his girlfriend and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
05-31-12, 04:09 PM #18941
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just
couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer
left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back
from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel
home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just
wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the family
doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "Just take your rifle out to the field
with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air.
That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't
lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came
back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood,
I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd
find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
06-01-12, 07:22 AM #18942A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his
favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She
paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again,
after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido
reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together
screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping...
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and
asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
"No, I'm Norwegian."
06-01-12, 09:42 AM #18943
06-01-12, 09:44 AM #18944
HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with an old, well-read copy
of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an
hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this
morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it
was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em
in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
06-01-12, 09:50 AM #18945
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world . . . then He made the earth round.
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