Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1261
  1. #18901
    Doctor's Visit

    I went to that same urologist.

    She told me I need to quit masturbating.

    I asked her why.

    She said because she was trying to examine me.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  2. #18902
    Deaf Folk

    Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can’t see each other signing, or read lips.

    After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

    She writes: ‘Honey, why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.’

    The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife – if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn’t want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  3. #18903
    The Cat

    We were dressed and ready to go out for a Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

    We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

    As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scooted back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

    My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

    The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn’t want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, saying ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

    A few minutes later, I got into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She’d better not **** in the vegetable garden again!’

    The silence in the cab was deafening.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  4. #18904
    Marine Free Member Kegler300's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Jacksonville, NC
    A Fighting Texas A&M Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

    He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

    It's doing well.

    He says prophets are going through the roof.

  5. #18905
    Now don't blink, did you see that?

    Wow, just look at this! A whole case of beer!!!
    Wait till the image loads completely...

    I think that I had a girl friend like that, I always had to carry a two by four on dates with her.

    That was to prevent me from falling in.

  6. #18906
    Marine Free Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    front range
    Blog Entries
    i love to laugh, when i can.

  7. #18907
    ABSOLUTELY The Best Dog Joke EVER ! ! !

    Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"

    "Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.

    "We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

    So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

    The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

    "Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."

    They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

    A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

    For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

    Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

    "Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town,

    claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two azzholes!"

  8. #18908
    "Even after the New OrleansSaints' Super Bowl victory, I have noticed a large number of people, implying with bad jokes and anecdotes, that Loozianna Cajuns ain't smart.I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment.Anybody who would build a city five feet below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a damn genius."

    The cable guy

  9. #18909

    For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

    Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

    Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

    'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

    Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

    The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

    Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
    'Good trade...'

  10. #18910

  11. #18911
    Time will tell........

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    Time will tell........

    Sparkie asked Old Marine..."Do you remember that stuff they

    used to put in our tea during the war, to make us forget about women?"

    "I think you mean salt-peter!"

    "Yeap, that's the stuff.... I think it's beginning to work!!

  12. #18912
    A dog lover, whose dog was a ***** and 'in heat' agreed to look after
    her neighbour's male dog while they were away on vacation.

    She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart,
    but as she was drifting off to sleep one night, she heard awful howling

    sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,

    in obvious distress and unable to disengage, as can sometimes happen

    when they mate.
    She was unable to separate them and was worried as what to do next.

    Although it was late at night, she called the Vet, who answered in a

    very grumpy voice.
    Having explained the problem to him, the Vet advised. "Hang up the

    phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back

    and the sound of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and

    be able to withdraw".
    "Do you think that will work?" she asked doubtfully.
    "It just worked for me" He replied.

  13. #18913
    Craigslist posting I just came across:
    Quote Originally Posted by
    Kids found it better to throw the bikes in the yard rather than use this!

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  14. #18914
    same sex marriage

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  15. #18915
    Senior Moments ..... Brain Farts.............

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