Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

Screw up

[Gary Miner]

Ed, every individual of this country can use the terms, "they are fighting on my behalf", perfectly legit!

[David R 1968]

In Poland the town cow stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being poor, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

[Ed Palmer]

*Distinction between Guts and Balls*


*To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: *

*there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know *

the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:



**GUTS** **- is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys,

being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask,

Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

**BALLS** **- is coming home late after a night out with the guys,

smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and

slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,

You're next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.



*Both result in death.*

[Ed Palmer]

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: “Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets.” The headline referred to it as a “massive weapons cache”.

By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called “mentally unstable”. Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Arizona , he’d be called “an avid gun collector”.

In Texas , he’d be called “a novice gun collector”.

In Utah , he’d be called “moderately well prepared”, but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana , he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘Go-To’ guy”.

In Idaho , he’d be called “a likely gubernatorial candidate”.

In Wyoming , he’d be called “an eligible bachelor”.

In Wisconsin , he’d be called “a deer hunting buddy”.


And, in Alabama , we just call him “Bubba”.

[Gary Miner]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a

unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it

on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips

to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them,and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that

something had to be done... She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little
princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There

are teachers...and then, there are Educators .

[Ed Palmer]

Love, Lust & Marriage


LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love".
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say "I love you".
LUST - When you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a ****.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is silent.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When it's just the same mushy old ****.
MARRIAGE - When you never listen to music.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - When you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - When you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.

[Ed Palmer]

Dear Mom


A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "MOM". With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you. I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, she's pregnant and Barbara said that we will be very happy together. Even though I know you won't care for her because she is much older than me, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for aids so barbara can get better; She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom; I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son,
John

P. S. Mom, none of this is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call me when it's safe for me to come home.

[Ed Palmer]

DOJ’s ‘Proof’ of Sheriff Joe’s ‘Racial Discrimination’ is Photo of a Chihuahua? Seriously?

If you needed a symbol of the utterly preposterous lawsuit against Sheriff Joe Arpaio and his Maricopa County Sheriffs Department (MCSO), this may well be it.

On page 2 of the 32-page complaint, filed yesterday in U.S. District Court in Phoenix, the Department of Justice references "insensitive" emails sent by MCSO employees. The prima fascie evidence? Read for yourself...

MCSO supervisors involved in immigration enforcement have expressed anti-Latino bias, in one instance widely distributing an email that included a photograph of a Chihuahua dog dressed in swimming gear with the caption “A Rare Photo of a Mexican Navy Seal.”
In case you missed this shocking, vicious, racist, "anti-Latino" photograph when it made the rounds on the interwebs years ago, here it is...

[David R 1968]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny... The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican." The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican." Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your momwas a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

[jp2usmc]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"


Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a web page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to a satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility.


Within seconds, he receives an email on his portable device that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a database through a spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response.


Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.


He watches the young man select one of the animals, and looks on with amusement as he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.


"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."


"Now give me back my dog."

[Ed Palmer]

I have a dream!

[David R 1968]

Barack and Michelle Obama are at the O's game. Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no" violently. The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!" So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want." He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!" Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

[jp2usmc]

Stop if you've heard this one....


Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.


It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.


On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.


So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!


Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.


Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.


'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"


Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, dummy.

[jp2usmc]

Buttercups & Golf Balls


Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.


All of a sudden . .. .POOF!!


In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!


Then POOF! . . . she was gone!


After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'


Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the Pssy Willows.'


Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'