Chuckles of the Day...

[jp2usmc]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!


A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.


'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'


'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.


Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'


And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.


'If this vaccum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'


The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, because they cut off my electricity this morning.'

[David R 1968]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....


If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.



The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I head for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT' ... he didn't seem ****ed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.'

It then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!

[jp2usmc]

Three Hillbillies Billy Bob, Joe Bob and James Earl are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner.'

2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!'

1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies Billy Bob and Joe Bob both say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

[jp2usmc]

Life is simple, relaxed and hanging free.

It's women who make it hard.

[jp2usmc]

The traffic wardens funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside the coffin screamed, "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late pal, the paper works already done."

(I think it's a British joke)

[awbrown1462]

I should have become a Doctor like Mom wanted but nooo I knew best

[jp2usmc]

I should have become a Doctor like Mom wanted but nooo I knew best

Man, seeing that here made me double check this post:
http://www.everlastgenerators.com/fo...ers-a-knockout

[jp2usmc]

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH


A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything-under-one-roof' department store looking for a job.


The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'


The kid says 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in Wisconsin...'


Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'


His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.


After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'Son, how many customers bought something from you today?'


The kid says, 'One.'


The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'


The kid says, '$101,237.65.'


The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'


The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down off the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Hummer that could.'


The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you soldhim a new BOAT and a HUMMER?'


The kid said 'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[Ed Palmer]

CLEAN HUMOR

Alas, where has all our innocence gone?

While I sat in the reception area
of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
his mother's lap and walked over to
the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, I know how you feel. My
mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'

*****

As I was nursing
my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked,
'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'

*****

Out bicycling
one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now.. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children..
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!

******

On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?' After my
son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'

*****

Just before I
was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'

*****

Paul Newman
founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

*****

... and my personal favorite ...God's Problem Now:

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

[Ed Palmer]

THIS REALLY WORKS
If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, seek
medical attention, or, click on the link below:

http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/...slbxP/x610.jpg

[David R 1968]

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.












All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some





pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"












The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."












The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?












"The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."












The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"












"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."












The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[jp2usmc]

Funny!

[Gary Miner]

In Seattle, Washington, they have had to pass a law that bans vicious Chihuahuas. It turns out, surprising as it seems, they were killing all the Rotweilers!
..
..
..
..
..
it's coming!
..
..
..
..
..
The Rotweilers were choking to death!

[Gary Miner]

This supposedly is a true story:

At an embassy party in London, Winston Churchill was lambasted by an older woman. She said: "Mr Churchill, you are drunk, you should be ashamed for being in this condition"

His reply, slurred that is was: " Madam, I indeed am a little drunk, you though are quite ugly. The difference is, in the morning, I shall be sober!"

[Ed Palmer]

So you think you're having a bad day.......

Then you step outside of your house.........



And look up into the beautiful blue sky....



And see this!!!!!









All of a sudden, that smile comes back to your

face And things don't seem quite so bad!!
Now that's a 'big axs balloon!!