Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1256
  1. #18826
    MY TRIP TO COSTCO



    Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog.



    I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



    What did she think I had, an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,



    because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.



    I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally



    complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)



    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog foodpoisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's a s s and a car hit me.



    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.



    Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.



  2. #18827
    WIFE FROM HELL
    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

    The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

    The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

    The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

    The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

    The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?'

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

    'Only when he's been drinking.'

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  3. #18828
    I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
    As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
    A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
    Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
    Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
    I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.





  4. #18829
    Sex after Death


    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.


    Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.


    True to his word, he made the first contact:


    "Marion!"


    "Is that you, Bob?"


    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."


    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"


    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.


    Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."


    "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"


    "No, I'm a rabbit!"

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  5. #18830
    WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!


    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.


    'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'


    'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.


    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'


    And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.


    'If this vaccum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'


    The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, because they cut off my electricity this morning.'

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  6. #18831
    Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....


    If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.



    The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

    I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

    Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I head for home.

    Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

    Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

    I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

    (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT' ... he didn't seem ****ed off in the least.

    Whew, I got away with that one!
    Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

    When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.'

    It then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!











  7. #18832
    Three Hillbillies Billy Bob, Joe Bob and James Earl are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

    1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner.'

    2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'Why is that stupid?'

    1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

    2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!'

    1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

    2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

    3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

    1st and 2nd Hillbillies Billy Bob and Joe Bob both say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

    3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  8. #18833

    For Men: Life is Like a Penis

    Life is simple, relaxed and hanging free.

    It's women who make it hard.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  9. #18834
    The traffic wardens funeral

    As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside the coffin screamed, "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"

    The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late pal, the paper works already done."

    (I think it's a British joke)

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  10. #18835


    I should have become a Doctor like Mom wanted but nooo I knew best


  11. #18836
    Quote Originally Posted by awbrown1462 View Post
    I should have become a Doctor like Mom wanted but nooo I knew best
    Man, seeing that here made me double check this post:
    http://www.everlastgenerators.com/fo...ers-a-knockout

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  12. #18837
    EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH


    A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything-under-one-roof' department store looking for a job.


    The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'


    The kid says 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in Wisconsin...'


    Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'


    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.


    After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'Son, how many customers bought something from you today?'


    The kid says, 'One.'


    The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'


    The kid says, '$101,237.65.'


    The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'


    The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down off the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Hummer that could.'


    The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you soldhim a new BOAT and a HUMMER?'


    The kid said 'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  13. #18838
    CLEAN HUMOR

    Alas, where has all our innocence gone?

    While I sat in the reception area
    of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
    in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
    to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
    and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
    small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
    his mother's lap and walked over to
    the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
    man's, he said, I know how you feel. My
    mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'

    *****

    As I was nursing
    my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
    daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
    Never having seen anyone breast feed
    before, she was intrigued and full of all
    kinds of questions about what I was doing.
    After mulling over my answers, she remarked,
    'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'

    *****

    Out bicycling
    one day with my eight-year-old
    granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
    wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
    to be with your friends and you won't go
    walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
    now.. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
    too old to do all those things anyway.'

    ******

    Working as a pediatric
    nurse, I had the difficult assignment
    of giving immunization shots to children..
    One day, I entered the examining room to give
    four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
    screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
    not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
    yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
    you!

    ******

    On the way back from a Cub
    Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
    'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
    how do they get there in the first place?' After my
    son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
    spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
    up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
    know the answer.'

    *****

    Just before I
    was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
    son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
    going to be away for a long time,' I told
    him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he
    asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
    on over there?'

    *****

    Paul Newman
    founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
    children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
    diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
    Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
    the kids. A counselor at a nearby
    table, suspecting the young patients
    wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
    explained, That's the man who made this camp
    possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
    his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
    stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on
    his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
    perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

    *****

    ... and my personal favorite ...God's Problem Now:

    His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."


  14. #18839
    THIS REALLY WORKS
    If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, seek
    medical attention, or, click on the link below:

    http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/...slbxP/x610.jpg


  15. #18840
    A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.












    All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some





    pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"












    The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."












    The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?












    "The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."












    The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"












    "No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."












    The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."








Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 2 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 2 guests)

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not Create Posts
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts