Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1251
  1. #18751
    US Marine Corps Rules:

    1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
    2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
    3. Have a plan.
    4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
    5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
    6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with at least a "4."
    7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
    8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal preferred.)
    9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
    10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
    11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
    12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
    13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

    Navy SEALS Rules:

    1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
    2. Kill every living thing within view.
    3. Adjust Speedo.
    4. Check hair in mirror.

    US Army Rangers Rules:

    1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
    2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
    3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
    4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
    5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

    US Army Rules:

    1. Select a new beret to wear.
    2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
    3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

    US Air Force Rules:

    1. Have a cocktail.
    2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
    3. See what's on HBO.
    4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
    5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point Presentation.
    6. Wine and dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD &defense industry executives 7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
    8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
    9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

    US Navy Rules:

    1. Go to Sea.
    2. Drink Coffee.
    3. Watch porn.
    4. Deploy the Marines.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  2. #18752
    Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

    Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.

    He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.

    He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

    The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

    When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
    gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

    Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

    The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008,so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  3. #18753
    A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him she needs to file her taxes.


    The accountant says, "I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"


    "I'm a prostitute," she says.
    The accountant is somewhat shocked and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."


    The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".


    The accountant replies, "That still won't work. Try again."


    They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."


    The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"


    "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."


    "Chicken farmer it is."

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  4. #18754
    A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
    The Italian from New Jersey fumed, "What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
    The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
    The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'
    The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
    The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
    The group fell silent for a moment.
    The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
    The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
    The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'
    The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f*ck can't they play at night?
























  5. #18755
    RALEIGH, NC - Jeff Gordon announced today he has fired his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of Newt Gingrich's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

    It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

    However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Colt .45, a bag of weed and some photos of Gordon's wife in the shower.


  6. #18756
    LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA

    The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It
    did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area. One of the local
    television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New
    Orleans.

    The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman
    how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected
    their lives?

    Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other
    people, but we ain't gone to no churches in years. We gets our chicken from
    Popeye's."

    The look on the interviewer's face was priceless. They're out there, they
    live among us, AND THEY VOTE.

    Now you understand how we got our president?


  7. #18757
    Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

    Here is proof that they are wrong:

    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It would be nice to have another baby.”

    You never hear a guy say, “It would be nice to get kicked in the nuts again!”

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  8. #18758
    So True!


  9. #18759
    A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton , Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"






    "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.





    I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.





    First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.





    "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.





    "Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed reading.





    Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"





    With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.





    When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted????





    The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"










  10. #18760
    Marine Free Member
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    alright a good laugh to start the day, i like it,


  11. #18761

  12. #18762

  13. #18763

  14. #18764


    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  15. #18765
    A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

    The sign reads:

    SEX FROGS

    Only $20each!

    Comes with COMPLETE instructions.



    The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!'

    As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'


    The blonde nods, grabs the box,
    and is quickly on her way home.

    As soon as she closes the door to
    her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:

    1.
    Take a shower.
    2.
    Splash on some nice perfume.
    3.
    Slip into a very sexy nightie.
    4.
    Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what hehas been trained to do.

    She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, NOTHING happens!
    The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottomof the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."


    So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him
    in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"


    The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:


    "LISTENTO ME!!

    I'm only going to showyou how to do this

    ONE MORETIME..."












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