Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1242
  1. #18616
    NEW GOVERNMENT PROGRAM


    Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

    This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

    Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

    A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

    Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

    Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S*** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of S*** they give our citizens.

    Should you feel that you do not receive enough S***, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S*** you can handle.

    Sincerely,

    The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)


    PS: Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the "light at the end of the tunnel" has been turned off.


  2. #18617
    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
    Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
    Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
    Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
    "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
    "I would like it infrequently," she replied.
    The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?"


  3. #18618

    A Hunter's Story

    An 86-year-old, very wealthy man, went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 25 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that doc?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home, and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and muttered to himself… bang, bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that, asked the doctor?"

    The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

    The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


  4. #18619
    I got a new stick deodorant today.
    The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
    I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    If you have friends who make you laugh,
    Spend lots of time with them.
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


  5. #18620
    ONCE A PUN A TIME

    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
    3. Two peanuts walk into a park, and one was a salted.
    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
    6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
    7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
    8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
    9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
    10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
    11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
    12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
    13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
    14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
    15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
    16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
    17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting n an open foyer." !
    18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
    19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


  6. #18621
    Best one in a while, David! :clap:

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  7. #18622
    YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING
    IN 2012 when...

    1. You accidentally
    enter your PIN on the microwave.

    2. You haven't
    played solitaire with real cards in years.

    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers
    to reach your family of three.

    4. You e-mail the person who
    works at the desk next to you.

    5. Your reason for not staying in touch
    with friends and family is that they
    don't have e-mail addresses.

    6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
    cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you
    carry in the groceries...

    7. Every commercial on television
    has a web site at the bot tom of the screen

    8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
    which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
    you turn around to go and get it

    10. You get up in the morning and go on line
    before getting your coffee

    11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

    12 You're reading this and
    nodding and laughing.

    13. Even worse, you know exactly
    to whom you are going to forward this message.

    14. You are too busy
    to notice there was no #9 on this list.

    15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list .


  8. #18623
    ATTORNEYS AREN'T SO SMART!

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    _______________________________
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok's.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
    get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
    people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________
    And last, but not least:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
    pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law.


  9. #18624
    Stuff you didn't know you didn't know!


    Men can read smaller
    print than women can; women can hear better.


    Coca-Cola was originally green.

    It is impossible to lick
    your elbow.

    The State with the
    highest percentage of people who walk to work:
    Alaska

    The percentage of
    Africa that is wilderness: 28%
    (now get this...)

    The percentage of
    North America that is wilderness: 38%

    The cost of raising
    a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

    $ 16,400

    The average number
    of people airborne over the U.S.
    in any given hour:
    61,000

    Intelligent people
    have more zinc and copper in their hair..

    The first novel ever
    written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

    The San Francisco
    Cable cars are the only mobile
    National Monuments.

    Each king in a deck
    of playing cards represents a great king from history:

    Spades - King David

    Hearts - Charlemagne

    Clubs -Alexander, the Great

    Diamonds - Julius Caesar

    111,111,111 x
    111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

    If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
    has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
    If the horse has one front leg in the air,
    the person died because of wounds received in battle.
    If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

    Only two people
    signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,
    John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
    Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

    Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

    A. Their birthplace

    Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
    What is the most popular boat name requested?

    A.
    Obsession

    Q.. If you were to spell out numbers,
    how far would you have to go until you
    would find the letter 'A'?

    A. One thousand

    Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
    windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

    A. All were invented
    by women.

    Q. What is the only
    food that doesn't spoil?

    A. Honey

    Q. Which day are there more collect calls
    than any other day of the year?

    A. Father's Day

    In Shakespeare's time,
    mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
    When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
    making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
    phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

    It was the accepted
    practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
    his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
    Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,
    which we know today as the honeymoon.

    In English pubs, ale
    is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
    customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' . . .

    It's where we get
    the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

    Many years ago in
    England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked
    into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
    When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase
    inspired by this practice.

    At least 75% of
    people who read this will try
    to lick their elbow!


  10. #18625
    THIS CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY... BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S TRUE!
    (THE MAN'S A GENIUS!!!)


    Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately:
    Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida...
    Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.
    Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. Send the dirt to New Orleans to
    raise the level of the levees. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the
    Mexican border.

    Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

    Think about this:

    1. Cows
    2. The Constitution
    3. The Ten Commandments

    COWS:
    Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic
    our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago,
    right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked
    her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
    wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

    THE CONSTITUTION:
    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200
    years, and we're not using it anymore.

    THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
    The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse
    is this: you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,'
    and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians,
    it creates a hostile work environment.


  11. #18626
    "I think Congressmen should wear
    uniforms,
    you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we
    could
    identify their corporate
    sponsors."



  12. #18627
    MOVE THE CAR

    One winter morning a husband and wife in MINNESOTA were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

    So the good wife went out and moved her car.
    A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
    "The good wife went out and moved her car again.
    The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
    "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
    With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to BLOND WOMEN exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


  13. #18628
    Quote Originally Posted by acg8276 View Post
    MOVE THE CAR

    One winter morning a husband and wife in MINNESOTA were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

    So the good wife went out and moved her car.
    A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
    "The good wife went out and moved her car again.
    The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
    "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
    With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to BLOND WOMEN exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

    Good one!


  14. #18629
    A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like
    some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit
    juice and coffee?"

    He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
    this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

    At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl
    of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

    Again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire
    for food.

    Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you
    like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
    rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

    He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm
    still not hungry."

    "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."


  15. #18630
    THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM


    A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

    When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

    After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test" that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
    Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
    * six illegal aliens,
    * six lawyers,
    * six meth dealers,
    * six Muslim extremists,
    * six Democrats, and
    * a rabbit."
    "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
    "Great attitude. You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"


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