Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she



just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"






Because ... She Replied ..... "I Really Miss Mine"

I told you it was a California Love Story







I know you are laughing.....I did

[David R 1968]

Murphy's other laws


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

[Ed Palmer]

Tebow Humor





Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.
On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the ...corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.


Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."


God said "So what's your point Tom?"


"Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?"


God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Tim's house, it's mine."

[Ed Palmer]

OMG

is no longer
what you think;
it has
a whole new meaning!




How do you starve an Obama supporter?
It's really very simple.
Just hide their food stamps
under their work shoes.

[Marine1955]

Cowboy Said ,give me 3 packets of condoms please.






The Cashier said, Do you need a paper bag with that Sir?







The Cowboy said , Naaahhh ,,, She ain't that ugly !!!

[David R 1968]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
"What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

[David R 1968]

A Heartwarming Christmas Story
A married couple had been shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when suddenly the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?!"

Husband: "Darling you remember that Jewelry shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have the money at that time and I said, 'Baby it'll be yours one day?' "

Wife, with a warm smile: "Yes, I remember that, my Love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Bar next door to that shop."

[David R 1968]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ....so we're just waiting.

[ameriken]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[David R 1968]

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic b*tch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed Camel-f*cker."

[EGTSpec]

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic b*tch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed Camel-f*cker."

Now that's funny!!!

[David R 1968]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.


Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?


>

[EGTSpec]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.


Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?


>

For God's sake DON"T LOOK DOWN!!!

[David R 1968]

EGTSpec, you got it.

[Zebra29er]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to
a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man
going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for
the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of
food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and
straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the
man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,
and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse
buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We
made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my
daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his
mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"