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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
07-09-11, 05:25 AM #17956
This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, could he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says 'sure' and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy says, 'I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.'
The guy says,' I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.'
07-10-11, 08:53 AM #17957
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions,
and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that s h i t .
07-10-11, 09:34 AM #17958
What Is Stress!
You pick up a beautiful, young, well endowed hitchhiker.
She suddenly faints in your car and you rush her to the hospital.
Now that's Stressful
But at the hospital they tell you she is pregnant and congratulate you on your upcoming fatherhood. You swear you are not the father but the young lady says you are.
Now it is really getting stressful
So then --you request a DNA test to prove you are not the father.
After the tests are completed the doctor tells you that you are infertile and probably have been since birth.
Now you are extremely stressed, but relieved.
On your way home you think about your three kids.
NOW THAT IS STRESS!
07-10-11, 09:37 AM #17959
A controlled burn is kinda like a controlled fart, it can turn to crap pretty quick!!
07-10-11, 09:47 AM #17960
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
07-10-11, 09:49 AM #17961
Guy walks into a bar and says line me up 12 cold ones, anything but budweiser. bartender lines em up, and after about three, gets curious and asks why anything but bud? Man says last night he drank 12 bud's and went home and blew chunks. Barkeep shrugs and says, hell, 12 buds and most folks would do the same. Guy says no, you dont understand, chunks is my dog!
07-10-11, 09:52 AM #17962
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the charity shop. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. Oh yeah, and don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother".
Well, she didn't actually put it like that... she actually said...
wait for it
"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."
07-10-11, 09:59 AM #17963
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style!"
The 8 contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville .... They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Odessa , Midland , Lubbock , and Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas ...
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm a Democrat," "Amnesty for Illegals," "I love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama, " George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012"
And... "I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
God Bless Texas !
07-10-11, 10:10 AM #17964
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER!!
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
She is quite impressed by his
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
07-10-11, 10:15 AM #17965
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you, you jack-[censored], show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
07-10-11, 10:20 AM #17966
Why didn't Obama Think of this?
A friend just started his own business in Afghanistan .
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
07-10-11, 10:27 AM #17967
The Muslims aren't happy
They're not happy in Gaza.
They're not happy in Egypt.
They're not happy in Libya.
They're not happy in Morocco.
They're not happy in Iran.
They're not happy in Iraq.
They're not happy in Yemen.
They're not happy in Afghanistan.
They're not happy in Pakistan.
They're not happy in Syria.
They're not happy in Lebanon.
And where are they happy?
They're happy in England.
They're happy in France.
They're happy in Italy.
They're happy in Germany.
They're happy in Sweden.
They're happy in the USA.
They're happy in Norway.
They're happy in ISRAEL.
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.
And who do they blame?
Not their leadership.
THEY BLAME ISRAEL & THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN.
Would be funny if it were not true.
07-11-11, 09:43 AM #17968
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense!)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different in reverse?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
No golf clubs... I hear a 3 iron works well.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England... but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
(Does she have to be a mermaid?)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought!)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.
(Is this a great country or what?)
(Well, not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!!
07-12-11, 06:20 AM #17969
From a Teacher -- short and to the point!
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement...
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
07-13-11, 12:55 PM #17970
10 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog
1.) If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2.) No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3.) Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
4.) Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5.) No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
6.) Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
7.) You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8.) No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
9.) It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
10.) Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
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