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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
02-19-11, 11:07 AM #17671
THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as
she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up
and says , "Mummy mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor..
' You rotten Biotch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
02-20-11, 04:36 PM #17672
Random Thoughts1 Life is sexually transmitted.
2 The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
3 Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
5 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism
02-24-11, 08:04 AM #17673
SO HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR COLLARBONE?
02-24-11, 09:30 AM #17674
A Letter to the Men's Help Line:
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
02-24-11, 09:51 AM #17675
So, what was the answer on the mounting bracket????
02-24-11, 10:19 AM #17676
02-24-11, 11:34 AM #17677
02-24-11, 03:44 PM #17678
Two guys are walking down the street when they come across a dog licking himself.
"I sure wish I could do that," one guy confesses.
"I don't know. He looks kinda mean," his friend replies.
02-25-11, 10:07 AM #17679
The Love Dress
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress,"the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed
the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her
husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
02-25-11, 10:09 AM #17680
Pot & Castration!
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"
"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?! That's absurd!"
"No, young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
02-25-11, 10:54 AM #17681
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Steve, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Steve, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
Steve, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Steve responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'
02-25-11, 02:25 PM #17682
Sex Records 1) The most ejaculatory orgasms ever recorded in 1 hour for a man is 16. 2) The farthest a woman has been recorded to ejaculate is about 9'29" (3 m). 3) The greatest distance attained for a jet of semen that has ever been recorded is 18'9" (5.71 m) which was achieved with a "substantial" amount of seminal fluid by Horst Schultz. 4) The average speed of a man's ejaculation is 28 miles (45.05 km) per hour. The average speed of a city bus is 25 miles (40.22 km) per hour. 5) Having swallowed the most amount of semen ever officially recorded Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints (0.96 liter) of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991. 6) The female gangbang world record is owned by a woman named Houston who had intercourse with 620 men in one day! A video was made of this historic event. As it took about 10 hours (with a few very brief breaks) to do it, the average time of intercourse was less than 58 seconds. 7) Women hold the record for having the most orgasms. The biggest amount of orgasms enjoyed by a woman in 1 hour ever recorded is a pussy shattering 134! 8) The male gangbang world record goes to porn actor Jon Dough who worked himself over 55 women in one day. He had 5 to 6 ejaculations. Actually, he was supposed to have had intercourse with at least 101 women, but he did the other 46 two weeks later. 9) The record of the man who has had intercourse the most frequently goes to a man who was recorded to have had intercourse about 52,000 times over a period of 30 years. This means he had intercourse on average 33.3 times a week! 10) Youngest Father - Sean Stewart, of Sharnbrook, England, became the father of a healthy 6 lb. baby boy on January 20, 1998, at age 12
02-26-11, 10:06 AM #17683
Who do you contact to get on the record list?
02-26-11, 01:29 PM #17684
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him
to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a
vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that
the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, ....
but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care.
02-28-11, 09:14 AM #17685
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
I LOVE THIS ONE............
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
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