Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

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Classes for Women at the Adult Learning
Center - Spring 2011


REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sun, November 21, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or *****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

And my favorite
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day...
And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor!

[matt92]

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me..."
"
Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is
right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days,
a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower
garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab
it and I say, '$20 or off it comes!'"
"
OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck.
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[Marine1955]

Hello, is this the Sheriffs Office?""Yes, What can I do for you?

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith..... He's hidin marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin it there"!"

Thank you very much for the call, sir."The next day, the Sheriff's deputy's descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at virgil's house"Hey Virgil. This here's Floyd!.....Did the Sheriff's come?""Yeah!""Did they chop your firewood?""Yep!""Happy Birthday, Buddy!"



(Rednecks know how to get-eR-dunn.)

[Ed Palmer]

Why is Obama fighting behind the scenes to get DADT repealed before Christmas?

Because if it doesn't happen, there won't be any fruitcakes at the White House "holiday" party.

[Zebra29er]

Woman Busted For Bloody Tongue Assault


Good thing she didnt bite off his...Oh never mind.


DECEMBER 7--What kind of a woman bites off her 79-year-old husband’s tongue and then poses for a mug shot flashing her pearly whites?
Meet Karen Lueders.
The 57-year-old Wisconsin woman was arrested Monday evening on a felony mayhem-domestic violence count after she allegedly bit off half of her husband Willard’s tongue while kissing him, according to investigators.
Willard Lueders was transported to a hospital about 50 miles from the couple’s Sheboygan home, so doctors could attempt to re-attach the tongue.
It is unclear why Karen, pictured in the above mug shot, bit off Willard’s tongue. Though Willard--in written responses to police questions--said that his wife was a in "manic state" when he was attacked, and had been "talking very fast and talking about spiritual things" over the past few days.

[Zebra29er]

Never Assume
ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!
His request approved, the CNN News photographer
quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport
to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting
for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming
up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door
shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind
and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the
pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low
passes so I can take pictures of the fires
on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' ,
he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.
Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[Ed Palmer]

Bubba's 21TH Birthday




Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came 'round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat . . . and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumb asz.'

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies "There's a new diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."


So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.


Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."


Amazed, later that evening, while thinking how incredible this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. So, he mixed up some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.


Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .


The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING at COSTCO!

[Ed Palmer]

Alabama Store Owner’s Sign Reminds That BBQ Restaurants Are “Safest” Because Of Lack Of Muslims


And here’s our offensive sign of the day. An Alabama store owner known for putting jokes up on the billboard outside of his electronics store has found that the response gets chillier when you decide to use racist jokes. The quote Chuck Biddinger used instructs drivers that the “BBQ Pork Restaurant Is Safest. No Muslims Inside.”
In some ways, I applaud Biddinger. I’d love to see more jokes next time I’m driving down the highway. However, just because something one of your dumb buddies sent you in an email was funny, it doesn’t mean it needs to go up there. Here’s a good test to keep in mind. Next time you’re considering a new joke to use, take a friend out to a public place and tell it to them loudly. If you feel the need to look over your shoulder and see who’s around before you start telling it, then it’s probably a bad joke to use.

Probably the most disheartening moment in the video below from ABC 3340, is when the news crew interviews local residents on whether they find the joke funny or not and half respond in the affirmative. Fortunately, it appears they only asked two people at a gas station while on the drive back to the station. Let’s hope the rest of the town has better stats.

[Zebra29er]

?

[Ed Palmer]

Dear Abby, My husband has a long record of money problems.

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let the kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ. Then he goes and visits mosques.

Finally, the last straw.

He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?


Signed, Lost in DC


Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Marine1955]

">Sweet Revenge

[Zulu 36]

The guy at the end who just cuts across everything probably was a Marine.

[Ed Palmer]

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat
and coat on lassie.'

she replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me the the pub with
you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'

[Ed Palmer]

The guy who started eating the corpse starts vomiting copiously,

then the other guy starts eating that,
saying: "I knew if I held out long enough I'd get a hot meal".