Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1163
  1. #17431
    HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

    1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY'

    2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN'

    3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS'

    4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION'

    5. He is not a 'CRADLE SNATCHER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS'

    6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL'

    7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION'

    8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY'

    9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED'

    10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED'
    (I love that one)

    11. Its not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REARCLEAVAGE'


  2. #17432
    HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

    1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED FEMALE'

    2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE'

    3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE'

    4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY'

    5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION'

    6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED'

    7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'

    8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED'

    9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE'

    10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED'

    11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'

    12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'


  3. #17433
    BEER vs. VAGINA!!! There are no losers...really.

    1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
    One point to BEER

    2. Warm beer tastes awful.
    One point to VAGINA

    3. A really cold beer is satisfying.
    One point to BEER

    4. If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
    One point to VAGINA

    5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you.
    There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
    I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

    6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
    One point to VAGINA

    7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
    One point to VAGINA

    8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
    One point to VAGINA

    9. You normally don't find old beer.
    One point to BEER

    10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
    One point to VAGINA

    11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
    One point to VAGINA

    12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
    One point to VAGINA

    13. If you have another beer the first one never gets ****ed off.
    One point to BEER

    14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
    One point to BEER

    15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
    One point to BEER

    16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark,
    pilsner, ale, lager, etc.
    One point to BEER

    17. You always know how much beer is going to cost.
    One point to BEER

    18. Beer doesn't have a mother.
    One point to BEER

    19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it. One point to BEER

    20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks.
    One Point to BEER


    Final Score: 11 BEER, 8 VAGINA


  4. #17434
    Life Imponderables FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY


    1.. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

    2.. A day without sunshine is like, night.

    3.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    4.. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

    5.. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6.. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    7.. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    8.. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

    9.. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

    10.. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    11.. Remember half the people you know are below average.

    12.. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

    13.. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

    14.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    15.. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    16.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    17.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    18.. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    19.. I ride way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

    20.. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.

    21.. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

    22.. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    23.. Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 American states.

    24.. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

    25.. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

    26.. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

    27.. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

    28.. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    29.. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    30.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


  5. #17435
    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
    He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the
    middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
    turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

    He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in
    deeper.
    He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
    became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
    As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
    her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
    said he could get the peanut out.

    The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove
    two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
    father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

    The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
    insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to
    the father and said, “that's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you
    think he's going to be when he grows older?”

    The father replied, “From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!”


  6. #17436
    Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....


    A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

    Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.

    They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

    This went on all through the fourth and fifth Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

    He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'

    She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

    ' Why?' he asked.

    She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

    'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.

    He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not! Eat any more chicken.'

    He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,

    'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches! Too, I'm also starting to get feathers down there!'

    She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

    She said...

    'Oh, my Goodness, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBLETS'


  7. #17437
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']A Drunken man walks into a biker bar,[/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']Sits down at the bar and orders a drink. [/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']Looking around, he sees three men[/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']sitting at a corner table. He gets up, [/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']staggers to the table, leans over[/FONT]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the
    face and says[/FONT]

    [/FONT]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/FONT]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']I went by your grandma's house today
    and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.[/FONT]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'] [/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']Man, she is one fine looking woman!'[/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'] [/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']
    The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. [/FONT]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']
    His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker [/FONT]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']and would fight at the drop of a hat. [/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']
    The drunk leans on the table again and says:[/FONT]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, [/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']the best I ever had!'[/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']
    The biker's buddies are starting to get really
    mad but the biker still says nothing. [/FONT]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']
    The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, [/FONT]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' [/FONT][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']
    At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... [/FONT]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']Grandpa.......... Go home...............[/FONT]


  8. #17438
    Quote Originally Posted by Zebra29er View Post
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']A Drunken man walks into a biker bar,[/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']Sits down at the bar and orders a drink. [/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']Looking around, he sees three men[/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']sitting at a corner table. He gets up, [/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']staggers to the table, leans over[/font]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the [/font]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']face and says[/font]
    [/font]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/font]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']I went by your grandma's house today [/font]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.[/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'] [/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']Man, she is one fine looking woman!'[/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'] [/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/font]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. [/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/font]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker [/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']and would fight at the drop of a hat. [/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/font]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']The drunk leans on the table again and says:[/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, [/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']the best I ever had!'[/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/font]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']The biker's buddies are starting to get really [/font]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']mad but the biker still says nothing. [/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/font]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, [/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' [/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif'][/font]
    [FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... [/font][FONT='Tahoma', 'sans-serif']Grandpa.......... Go home...............[/font]
    W.T.F. Happened LOL


  9. #17439
    Since Nancy Pelosi will no longer be Speaker of the House,
    she's forced to give up her private jet to make those trips from
    Washington, D.C., to San Francisco .....
    She'll be flying Southwest from now on because.... "Bags fly free."


  10. #17440
    A Drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

    Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

    The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

    The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

    The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

    The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

    At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... "Grandpa.......... Go home..............."


    I made all better


  11. #17441
    Quote Originally Posted by marine1955 View Post
    W.T.F. Happened LOL
    I tried to delit but it wan't let me its an Oldman thing.


  12. #17442
    Quote Originally Posted by tdrt View Post
    A Drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

    Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

    The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

    The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

    The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

    The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

    At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... "Grandpa.......... Go home..............."


    I made all better
    Thanks tdrt your da Marine


  13. #17443
    The Helpful Texan


    I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

    Being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

    It is now 4pm and they still haven't responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.







  14. #17444
    A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.....

    He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

    Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

    'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot.'

    'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

    'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buck shot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

    'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

    'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the London Philharmonic. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pi$$ in your eye.'


  15. #17445
    How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.


    I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!


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