Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1162
  1. #17416
    Quote Originally Posted by marine1955 View Post
    Our medical Dollars at work,since the Obama care came in they have to make a living doing other things..

    ">
    That got a laugh out of me, and the darling wife. It was PERFECTLY timed. I got the email about the post, a few minutes after getting home from taking her to the oral surgeon. She was still about half loopy. Well done!


  2. #17417
    HUMOR FROM OTTOLAND


    The Shepard's Dilemma

    A New Zealand man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

    So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

    He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

    Try again.. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

    He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

    No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.

    ---------------------------

    Marriage

    Marriage is like a deck of cards....................

    In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end..............

    you'll wish you had a f#/*king club and a spade.....



    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain!!!!

    ---------------------------


    JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE "BEST BLONDE JOKE" EVER, ALONG ...



    A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

    She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.


    When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify
    the point.

    The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

    The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

    The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

    The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."







  3. #17418
    HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
    (Oldie, but a goodie)


    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:


    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

    With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

    The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+






  4. #17419
    Jack's Chicken Farm


    Jack was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    Jack's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen but this morning he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    To Jack's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    Jack was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Lake County ( Chicago ) Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

    Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

    Vote carefully next fall as the bells are not always audible.






  5. #17420
    A Louisiana Ghost Story



    This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy2057, just
    outside of Dulac, a little town in
    the bayou country of Louisiana , and while
    it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

    A Michigan businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his
    disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted
    to hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in the middle
    of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars
    went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly
    see his hand in front of his face.

    Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving
    slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the
    rain. It slowly and silently crept
    toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a
    ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the
    wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over the
    rain.

    Again the car crept silently forward and Saul
    was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and
    running.. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp
    curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to
    pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost
    car would go off the road and into the bayou and
    he would then drown!

    But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared
    at the driver's window, reached in and
    turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safe ly
    around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand
    disappeared through the window and Saul was alone
    again.

    Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand
    reappear every time they reached a curve.
    Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he
    could take, jumped out of the car, and ran to
    town.

    Wet and in shock, he went into bar called Fishermen’s Point.
    Voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black,
    and then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

    The room became silent and everybody got goose
    bumps when they realized Saul was telling the
    truth (and not just some drunk).

    About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked
    into Fisherman’s Point and one says to the other,
    "Look, Boudreaux, ders dat idiot what rode in our car, when wes were pushing it in the rain.





  6. #17421

    New Condoms

    You'll love this..


    ">


  7. #17422
    "GROANERS" FROM OTTOLAND




    I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your will power'


    Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


    I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '


    A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry fatty , you are bound to lose it eventually '



    Snow in the forcast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'



    I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'


    Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!



    I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and Mexicans were not the correct answers.









  8. #17423
    Women: Code words - For those that aren't quite sure....




    1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

    8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

    9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!


  9. #17424
    SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:

    It's been announced that next year's shirt sponsor for Tiger Woods will be Tampax. A spokesman said "To sponsor a tw@t going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about".


  10. #17425
    It is the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There really is nothing to do.

    All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

    The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

    Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

    The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

    Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."

    The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go."

    Johnny was MAD. Susie had answered first.

    The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"

    Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King."

    The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go."

    Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary had answered first.

    The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

    Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy."

    The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go."

    Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy had answered first.

    Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these *****es would keep their mouths shut."

    The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

    Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"


  11. #17426
    JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
    Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"
    DeGaulle did not respond.


    You could have heard a pin drop.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt the Americans have done? They've sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What do they intended to do, bomb them?'

    A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
    'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'


    You could have heard a pin drop.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.K. , USA, Canada, Australia and France. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas French officers learn many languages, the others learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
    Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,
    'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'


    You could have heard a pin drop.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
    "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
    Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
    "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
    The American said,
    "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
    "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"
    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,
    "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."


    You could have heard - well, you get it by now.


  12. #17427
    An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa:

    Consul: Your name please?

    Arab: Abu Zina.

    Consul: Sex?

    Arab: Every day.

    Consul: Err, I mean, male or female?

    Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even camel.

    Consul: Holy cow!

    Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.

    Consul: Isn't that hostile?

    Arab: Hosstyle, dogstyle, any style!

    Consul: Oh dear!

    Arab: No deer! Arsehole too tight and run too fast.


  13. #17428
    We've all been there but don't like to admit it... We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    *FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    *JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.

    *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY FLUSH*.

    *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is very proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. (hehehe this is you!)

    *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential *TURDBURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.

    *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *TURD BURGLARS* that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See *CAMO-COUGH*.


    SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

    *The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

    *Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

    *Cement Block* = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

    *Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

    *The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

    *The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

    *The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

    *The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...

    NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE QUIT LAUGHING...


  14. #17429
    A drunk man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in a river.

    He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

    The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

    The drunk shouts, 'Yes I am!' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

    He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

    The drunk replies, 'No I haven't found Jesus.'

    The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

    He pulls him back out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'

    The drunk again answers, 'No I haven't found Jesus!'

    By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

    (Are you ready for this????)

    The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in...?'


  15. #17430
    That is too funny!! Been guilty of a few of those myself. LOL

    If I ever have to "crop dust", I just make sure I do it around a group of men because no one would believe I could/would make that God-awful smell.


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