Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1155
  1. #17311
    "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

    Rodney Dangerfield



    "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
    Lynn Lavner



    "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."Camille Paglia



    "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

    George Burns



    "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

    SharonStone



    "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

    Tiger Woods



    "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."

    Jack Nicholson



    "Clintonlied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

    Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
    Barbara had a sense of humor)




    "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

    Robin Williams



    "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"

    Billy Crystal



    "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

    Robert De Niro



    "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

    Dustin Hoffman



    "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

    Jerry Seinfeld



    "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties! up whom."

    Joan Rivers




    "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."





    Steve Martin



    " You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

    Elmo Phillips
    !


    " Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

    Oscar Wilde



    " It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

    George Burns


  2. #17312
    Oldie, but a goodie.




    A Jewish man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away.
    The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, where you can bury her or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $750."
    The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

    The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, and pay the high cost of a US funeral, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in our homeland and you would spend only $750?"

    The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."







  3. #17313
    Some of you may have seen or experienced this before, but it happened to me the other day so I thought I'd share it.

    Picture one of those balmy sunny weekend days, you know, those rare occasions that happen maybe once or twice a year. the weathers perfect, traffic is minimal and you're in the right frame of mind for a spin on the bike.
    Well a few weeks ago such conditions presented themselves and off I went, all relaxed and at one with the world, just tootling along minding my own business when....BLAM a violent blast of noise followed by buffetting from slipstream....I recovered my senses to see some sort of Harley barrelling down the road. The noise was deafening and he was really shifting. I raised and eyebrow to myself but I was determined not to let anything destroy my tranquil afternoon when, of all things, the B*stard went and gave me the bird.....!!!!!!!
    Now I'm not one to easily get angry but I must admit the red mist came down and I took off in pursuit.
    I slowly gained on him, when, he glanced in his Iron Cross mirror dropped a cog and shot off. Jesus, that thing could shift but the race was on, honour needed to be served. There was no turning back.
    I managed to stick to his tail for a couple of miles but it was hard work. His bike was obviously not standard and he was leaving me for dead in the straights but I could claw back the distance lost in the bends, and I knew this road. Up ahead was a couple of miles of really twisty road, perfect.
    I stayed in touch and held on until we arrived at the point where I knew I had the advantage. as we went through the first left hander I saw my opponent glance nervously in his mirror and I sensed his fear, he knew his advantage was lost.
    Within the first three corners I was right on his back wheel, the roar and blast from his straight through pipes pounded my face, the sparks from his pegs showered me but there was to be no turning back.
    At the next bend I showed him my front wheel and he responded with a twist of throttle that had the rear tyre spinning leaving a black line down the road, the back of his bike weaving. He was on the ragged edge and I knew I had him.
    We tipped into a left and I got on the inside, then flicked into a hard right, this allowed him to edge away again but I knew the next blind corner was a long left and I had the line. As we entered the corner I grit my teeth, now or never, this was it. I got my front wheel ahead and hit the apex spot on, forcing him wide and as I straightened up coming out of the corner I was ahead, I'd done it.
    I look over my shoulder to see him falling back behind me, and, he raised his hand in salute before turning off and away.
    I pulled over to the side of the road, I needed a cigarette.
    I was elated but shaking all over, bathed in sweat but happy. I had won.
    And I can tell you, he was a good rider. I can honestly say Ive never pedalled that mountain bike so hard in my life. !!!!!!!!!!


  4. #17314
    The case for the defence

    Defense Attorney:
    Will you please state your age?

    Little Old Lady:
    I am 76 years old.

    Defense Attorney:
    Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

    Little Old Lady:
    There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
    when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

    Defense Attorney:
    Did you know him?

    Little Old Lady:
    No, but he sure was friendly.
    He started to rub my thigh.

    Defense Attorney:
    Did you stop him?

    Little Old Lady:
    No, I didn't stop him..

    Defense Attorney:
    Why not?

    Little Old Lady:
    It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

    Defense Attorney:
    What happened next?

    Little Old Lady:
    He began to touch my breasts.

    Defense Attorney:
    Did you stop him then?

    Little Old Lady:
    No, I certainly did not!

    Defense Attorney:
    Whyever not?

    Little Old Lady:
    His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
    Ever since my Albert died.

    Defense Attorney:
    What happened next?

    Little Old Lady:
    Well, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

    Defense Attorney:
    Did he take you?

    Little Old Lady:
    Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.



  5. #17315
    Bacon Tree.

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.

    They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...

    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.
    Ees bacon, I theenk."

    "Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

    With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

    "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

    "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

    "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

    And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

    "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

    "Luis, Luis MI amigo... what ees it? "

    "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

    Ees

    Ees

    Ees


    Ees a ham bush..."



  6. #17316
    An Irish fairy tale

    One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

    "What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.

    "Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

    "Really!" said the irish priest. "Can you explain!"

    "Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

    "That's an incredible story." said the irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

    "Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

    "Today's your lucky day!" said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,














    And that my lord is the case for the Defense.......




  7. #17317

    Sven and Ole

    Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

    Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender, followed by the left.

    He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

    Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

    'What on earth are you doing Ole' says Sven

    'Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor . "






  8. #17318
    Marine Free Member Rob Parry's Avatar
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    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

    'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
    St. Peter asked.

    'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

    'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!'
    St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'


    'Couple of minutes ago.'






    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
    She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


  9. #17319
    The Bridge

    A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

    The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

    God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

    The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

    God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"







  10. #17320
    Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
    A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
    The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
    The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? "Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
    The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
    The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
    The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."


  11. #17321
    Paradoxical thought for the day:

    "Fathom the odd hypocrisy that Obama wants every citizen to prove they are insured,

    but people don't have to prove they are citizens."


  12. #17322
    Quote Originally Posted by Ed Palmer View Post
    Paradoxical thought for the day:

    "Fathom the odd hypocrisy that Obama wants every citizen to prove they are insured,

    but people don't have to prove they are citizens."
    Unfortunately, what you have posted is not a joke. Please post in the political section.


  13. #17323
    David had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

    No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

    The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

    But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his

    head that said,'David, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

    medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you

    won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, David.'

    But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
    reality, whispering:


    David . . . you're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.





  14. #17324

  15. #17325
    Senior Church Moment

    A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
    that will pay him more.

    There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

    Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
    Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
    Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
    their children!'

    The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

    Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If
    the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
    establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all
    his children!'

    More sighs and loud applause.

    Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the
    Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!'

    There is total silence.

    The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
    to say that?'

    Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
    forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to
    side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we
    could help, and he said,......'Screw him!'

    Isn't senility wonderful?


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