Chuckles of the Day...

[The DUKE]

[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']> San Diego woman shot in the head...
>
> Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
>
>
> The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
>
> When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
>
> Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.
>
> The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Bush's fault.[/FONT]

[Marine1955]

Funny

[hbharrison]

One can get into a lot of cr*p over a sipper. Thank was funnnnnnyyyyy!!!!!!

[Rob Parry]

What does a Muslim Pussy look like?
































Oh, come on! What the hell were you thinking??

[Marine1955]

[Rob Parry]

She told him she was leaving to become a prostitute because she found out she could get $300 for what she was giving him for free.

He wondered what made her think she could live on $600 a year.

[Marine1955]

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[Marine1955]

Funny

[Mousefart0369]

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons.

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the *field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with c-yanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor
up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

[Marine1955]

You want believe this

[The DUKE]

LITTLE KNOWN TIDBIT OF
NAVAL HISTORY...

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides)
as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water
for her crew of 475 officers and men.

This was sufficient to last six months of
sustained operations at sea.

She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log,
"On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a
full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water,
7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and
79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and
68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November.
She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and
64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England .

In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war
and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships,
salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted.

Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid
up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland.

Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred
40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.

The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799,
with no cannon shot, no food, no powder,
no rum, no wine, no whisky,
and 38,600 gallons of water.
GO NAVY!

[Rob Parry]

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning
available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in
the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay
in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her
Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Rob Parry]

WILLY NELSON'S 75th BIRTHDAY

.....Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

[Marine1955]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?




The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.





The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.





The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?




The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.




The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.




The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."


The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.




The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks "May I have the key?"




The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.




Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...







...silver, topaz, and amethyst.







Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.





The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

















.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.




DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

[Mousefart0369]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,What are you doing? She answers, I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the
bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies...I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!