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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
08-24-10, 10:11 AM #17206
This is Australian so you Cuzzins think Louisiana type conditions, and you'll get the drift. Crays = Crayfish or Yabbies as most Australians call them.
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?'
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'
08-24-10, 07:38 PM #17207
Female CompassionFEMALE COMPASSION
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fu*ked?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
08-24-10, 07:42 PM #17208
A Fairy TaleYou're never too old to enjoy a good fairy tale:
Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
08-25-10, 02:23 PM #17209
Global Facts About Sex
At Any Given Moment:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.
58,000,000 are kissing.
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine ......
08-25-10, 02:35 PM #17210
Dammm,,,,,,, that was me.
08-25-10, 04:00 PM #17211
08-25-10, 09:18 PM #17212
An Amish farmer's walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.
The farmer says, "Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die kuhe und die schweine haben in ihm geschissen," which means, 'Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs sh*t in it.'
The guy shouts back, "I'm a Democrat, and this is America. I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, you moron."
The farmer says, "Use two hands, you'll get more."
08-25-10, 09:19 PM #17213
A little girl walks past her parents' room and sees them doing the old in & out.
She says, "Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy?"
He says "I'm planting you a baby sister."
The next day when her father comes home, the little girl's sitting on the doorstep crying.
He says "What's wrong?"
She says, "Remember last night you planted me a baby sister? Well, when the mailman was here today, he ate her."
08-25-10, 09:21 PM #17214
Mrs. Hickenlooper takes a final look at her husband just before his wake, and she says to the funeral director, "You know, Charlie looks great, but I'm so worried about his toupee sliding down. I know it would just break his heart if his toupee slid down."
The funeral director says, "Don't worry about a thing, lady."
Two days later, the funeral's over, and Mrs. Hickenlooper says to the funeral director, "Charlie's toupee stayed right in place the whole time. I can't thank you enough. By the way, what'd you do to keep it in place?"
He says, "I stapled it on."
08-26-10, 08:15 AM #17215
08-26-10, 08:17 AM #17216
08-26-10, 08:19 AM #17217
08-27-10, 01:37 PM #17218
Well I never...............
In 1923, Who Was???
1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful businessmen of their days..
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..
1. The president of the largest steel company.
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
3. The president of the NYSE,
was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
also committed suicide
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
A London Fire
In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated
that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit
cheats lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country,
lived on the second floor... they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and
living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor
miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights
black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious
at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.
Why was just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they
claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of
public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the
popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and
indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it
would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service
had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their
initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps
it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back
before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as
to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of
touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with
the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the
local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular
Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met
by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims
and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied ...
"Because they were both at work."
08-27-10, 04:38 PM #17219
08-27-10, 07:59 PM #17220
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