Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1095
  1. #16411
    Eight Words with Two Meanings

    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
    Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
    Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    Male..... Playing football without a cup.

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n ..
    Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    Male... .... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..

    4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
    Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book..
    Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. [Certainly right up there on the Hazelip male pantheon of humor.]
    Female..... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
    Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression,
    male bonding.

    7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to
    another.
    Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels
    every 5 minutes.

    AND


    He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

    She said.....You wear pants don't you?

    He said.........Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
    She said.......That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

    He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
    She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

    He said .... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
    She said.....They already have boyfriends.

    He said......Why are married women heavier than single women?
    She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #16412
    What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40?

    Your Honour.


    An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven (obviously not a family law lawyer), but was not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to Saint Peter, who told him his only course of action was to appeal. The lawyer immediately appealed and was told it would take 3 years to hear his appeal. The attorney protested that this was unconscionable, but to no avail.

    The lawyer was then approached by the devil who told him that he could have the appeal heard within a few days if the lawyer would change the venue to Hell. When the lawyer asked why appeals were heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told "We have all the judges."



    Two duck hungers ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other's dog was just sitting there, who no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master downed.

    The first hunter asked, "What's wrong with your dog? The last time I saw him he was one of the best bird dogs I'd ever seen!"

    "Well," the other hunter replied. "His name's Lawyer. He used to run all over creation working hard and getting the job done. Then one day, someone made the mistake of calling him Judge. Now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."



    Father (after being denied access to his children and having all his assets seized): Can I address the court?

    Judge: Of course.

    Father: If I called you a son of a *****, what would you do?

    Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and sentence you to five days in jail.

    Father: What if I thought you were a son of a *****?

    Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.

    Father: In that case, I think you're a son of a *****.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  3. #16413
    The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

    None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

    The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

    "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."



    While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge's chambers. And who should be sitting there - the judge.

    Judge: "Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?"

    Kid: "Yeah?"

    Judge: "Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze." The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge. The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.

    Judge: "Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it back to me."

    The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge.

    Judge: "Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly." Kid: "Hey wait a minute mister. I'm not a real attorney; I just found this briefcase in the courtroom."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #16414
    A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.

    Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.

    "You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.

    "The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'




    A family court judge and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

    "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

    Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

    "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

    He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

    His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

    "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.

    The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

    Well, that leaves only the family court judge to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood.... the pig and the cow.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #16415
    A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot.

    Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."

    "Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"
    Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?

    A: Senator.

    Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

    A: Your honor.





    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #16416
    Marine Free Member montana's Avatar
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    heard Michael Js mortition discoverd Michael was 90% plastic....so they desided to melt him down and turn him into laegos........that way little kids can play with him for a change


  7. #16417
    Little Susie goes home from school and tells her
    mom that the boys keep asking her to do
    cartwheels because she's very good at them.


    Mom said: "YOU should say NO-they only
    want to look at your undies".

    Susie said: "I know they do,
    that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!




  8. #16418
    As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter
    Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast
    feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'


  9. #16419
    Quote Originally Posted by Phantom Blooper View Post
    Little Susie goes home from school and tells her
    mom that the boys keep asking her to do
    cartwheels because she's very good at them.


    Mom said: "YOU should say NO-they only
    want to look at your undies".

    Susie said: "I know they do,
    that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

    Someone besides me must be listening to Bob & Tom.


  10. #16420
    Quote Originally Posted by mcvet57103 View Post
    Someone besides me must be listening to Bob & Tom.
    Bob and Tom; those guys rock (although when Tom-less, less so)!


  11. #16421

    Different thought patterns



    HER DIARY:

    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

    Conversation wasnít flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didnít say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, ĎNothing.í I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset .. He said he wasnít upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

    On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I canít explain his behavior. I donít know why he didnít say, ĎI love you, too.í When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

    Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I donít know what to do. Iím almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





    HIS DIARY:




    My Harley wouldnít start today, but at least I got laid!






  12. #16422








    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #16423
    A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

    "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

    "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

    The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    "1955, ma'am."

    "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need tochill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

    The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."



  14. #16424
    My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
    but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

    Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
    but I just couldn't hack it . so they gave me the axe.


    After that I tried to be a tailor,
    but I just wasn't suited for it . mainly because it was a so-so job.


    Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
    but that was exhausting.


    I wanted to be a barber,
    but I just couldn't cut it.


    Then I tried to be a chef,
    figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
    thyme.


    Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
    but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.


    My best job was being a musician,
    but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.


    I studied a long time to become a doctor,
    but I didn't have any patients.


    Next was a job in a shoe factory,
    I tried but I just didn't fit in.


    I became a professional fisherman,
    but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.


    Thought about becoming a witch,
    so I tried that for a spell.


    I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance
    company,
    but the work was just too draining.


    I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
    but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.


    So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
    but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


    Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
    but the work was shocking.
    After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an
    historian,
    until I realised there was no future in it.


    My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
    but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.


    SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!


  15. #16425
    Subject: Old Sea Story


    There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected His sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boson that his men smelled bad.

    The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!

    The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.

    Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Kwiatkowski, and Brown you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"


    THE MORAL:

    Someone may be promising "Change" in Washington; but don't count on things smelling any better!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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