Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1085
  1. #16261

    The cat lover

    Warning: Do not have food and or drinks near you when you read this, in order not to choke on it or exhaust some or all of it onto your computer.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical !

    We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

    Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

    On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
    The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

    Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
    'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
    'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

    So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
    Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

    It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.
    And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
    Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

    When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
    Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding..
    Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.
    I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
    'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
    If they only knew!


    Why is it that only the women laugh at this ?





  2. #16262

    The Golfer

    A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

    Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

    'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

    'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

    'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want? '

    'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.

    'What a nice guy,'the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs,and a fantastic sex life.'

    A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

    'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says.'I just want to ask ye,how's yer golf game?'

    'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all
    right.'

    'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?' 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash,I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

    'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

    The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

    C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

    Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

    'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

    'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'





  3. #16263
    A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
    "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

    A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

    Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

    The women won.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #16264
    A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did.....better in fact! However, the thing is, it does not come cheap. It’s $1,000 an inch.’

    The man perks up at this. ‘So,’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a six inch one before, and you decide to go for a ten incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a ten inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a six incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

    The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. ‘So,’ says the doctor, ‘have you spoken with your wife?’

    ‘I have,’ says the man.

    ‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

    ‘Yes, she has,’ says the man.

    ‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor.

    ‘We’re getting new countertops”

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #16265
    Quote Originally Posted by Zulu 36 View Post
    24. You should always point the lashed together catapult away from the neighbor’s house before you shoot the 16-pound bowling ball
    Cub Scouts huh? sounds alot funner than a Zebco and compass course


  6. #16266
    Sarah Palin is so gracious!

    The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party.
    Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.

    The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election
    campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.

    For instance, Gov. Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men
    who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose
    hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in
    their field to assist them.

    Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back
    to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and
    daughters.

    What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

    Go Sarah!!!!


  7. #16267
    Marine Free Member azLobo's Avatar
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    An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Alberta, and talks with an old rancher.
    He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs'
    The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.’
    The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.'
    Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land.
    No questions asked or answers given.
    Have I made myself clear?
    Do you understand?'
    The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the RCMP
    officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.
    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get “horned” before he reaches safety..
    The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

    'Your badge! Show him your badge!'


  8. #16268
    Young Chuck in Montana bought a
    horse from a farmer for $100. The

    farmer agreed to deliver the horse

    the next day. The next day he drove

    up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have

    some bad news, the horse died.'

    Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give


    me my money back.'

    The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I


    went and spent it already'

    Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me


    the dead horse.'

    The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna


    do with him?

    Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

    The farmer said, 'You can't raffle


    off a dead horse!'

    Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me.


    I just won't tell any body he's dead.'

    A month later, the farmer met up


    with Chuck and asked, 'What

    happened with that dead horse?'

    Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold


    500 tickets at two dollars a piece

    and made a profit of $998..'

    The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone


    complain?'

    Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won.


    So I gave him his two dollars back.'

    Chuck grew up and works now for


    the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out".


  9. #16269

    Ever happen to you?

    You are on the bus when you suddenly realize that you need to pass some gas.

    Since you're hearing some really loud music being played, you decide to time your release with the beat.

    Having expelled a lot of gas after a couple of songs, and approaching your stop, you're feeling a lot better.

    Walking to the front of the bus, everyone is staring at you.

    That's when you realize you've been listening to your IPod


  10. #16270
    IRS audits Grandpa

    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

    But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

    'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'



    Don't Mess with Old People!!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #16271

  12. #16272
    New Bumper Sticker

    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version

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    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #16273
    Quote Originally Posted by thedrifter View Post
    New Bumper Sticker



  14. #16274
    Dilbert

    Adams's hit the nail on the head.

    http://www.dilbert.com/2009-02-25/

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #16275

    A love story

    The love story of Ralph and Edna...


    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

    The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

    Happy Mental Health Day!

    You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend..

    Done my part!!!





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