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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
01-19-09, 12:48 PM #16231
just a nice moring
you will love this. cause it's funny
01-21-09, 12:59 PM #16232
- Inauguration Jokes
Q. Why did George Bush declare a state of emergency for Barack Obama's inauguration?
A. Because everyone knows it's a national disaster.
Q. What's an example of irony?
A. Bruce Springsteen is scheduled to sing "Born in the USA" at Barack Obama's inauguration.
Chief Justice Roberts: Knock, knock.
Barack Obama: Who's there?
Chief Justice Roberts: Kenya.
Barack Obama: Kenya who?
Chief Justice Roberts: Kenya show me your birth certificate before you're sworn in?
Barack Obama: Knock, knock.
Taxpayers at the inauguration: Who's there?
Barack Obama: Eff.
Taxpayers at the inauguration: Eff who?
Barack Obama: Eff you.
Q. Why will Obama quit begging for donations once he's sworn in?
A. Because he'll no longer have to ask.
President Obama is being criticized because his inaugural celebrations are projected to cost the taxpayers over $400 million. When asked about it, Obama explained that Ted Kennedy planned to attend and there was going to be an open bar.
President Obama plans to ride in the inaugural parade without the traditional limousine. He'll be in a sleigh pulled by reindeer.
As a precaution for the Obama presidency, the White House copy of the Constitution is being removed. It's made from hemp.
William Shatner attended Obama's inaugural ball. After taking a quick look around he got on his communicator and commanded, "Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here."
Q. Why did the Secret Service double security on Michelle Obama immediately after the inauguration?
A. If something happened to her, then Barack would be in charge.
Q. What will the band play at Obama's inauguration?
A. Inhale to the chief.
Q. Why will there two presidential limousines for the inauguration?
A. So Hillary won't know which one he's in.
Q. What is the difference between Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter?
A. Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to ruin the economy.
01-21-09, 01:04 PM #16233
Find the nude dude on the crowded beach. When you do, click on him and watch him run.
01-22-09, 07:29 AM #16234
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
01-22-09, 07:29 AM #16235
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
01-22-09, 10:46 AM #16236
01-22-09, 02:49 PM #16237
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put Husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night..
It take many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in Glass house
should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.
Smell different to midget.
01-26-09, 09:48 AM #16238
For Stress Release: Bubblewrap Appreciation Day
FOR STRESS RELEASE: BUBBLEWRAP APPRECIATION DAY
In 1957 two engineers. Alfred Fielding and Marc Chavannes started out trying to make plastic wallpaper. They did not succeed. What they ended with was the world’s most addicting invention, bubble wrap.
All are invited to participate to join in the Eight Annual Celebration of Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day by popping virtually of course!
Monday, January 26,2009
01-27-09, 11:56 PM #16239
Dumbest Urchin Ever
boy enter s a barbe r shop and the barbe r whisp ers to
mer, this is the dumbe st child in three counties. Watch while I prove it to you.
r puts a dolla r bill in one hand and two quart ers
in the other
, then calls the boy over and asks, which do you want,
The boy takes the quart
ers and leave s.
What did I tell you? said the barbe r, that brats' dumb as a sack of tire chains!
, the custo mer leave s and sees that same kid comin g out of the ice cream store ....hey, son! May I ask you a quest ion?
Why did you take 2 quart
ers inste ad of 1 dolla r bill? The boy licke d his cone and repli ed,
Becau se the day I take that dolla r, the game is played out.
01-28-09, 07:13 AM #16240
01-28-09, 08:34 AM #16241
Excerpted from the Miami Herald
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water (for those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.' And the best one of all…
14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?
01-28-09, 09:34 AM #16242
25 Things I learned from Scouting
1. Telling a cub scout 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times to cut away from themselves is not as good as a teacher as their cutting themselves one time with a pocket knife.
2. God put bones in cub scouts hands to keep pocketknives from going all the way through.
3. Large green grub like caterpillars with black spike like hairs hurt when you step on them.
4. Squirrels will find any food in campsite regardless of where you hide it, even inside a campfire.
5. Squirrels burn.
6. A flaming squirrel can set an entire campsite on fire as it runs in panicked circles.
7. Never try to put out a flaming squirrel with a flammable nylon sleeping bag.
8. When you are at summer camp as an adult leader, never ask the camp director where the closest place to buy beer and ammo is at.
9. When you are the only male den leader, suggesting a "Den Leader of the Month" calendar as a fundraiser is a bad idea.
10. When you assign Webelos the task of scraping out a dirty pot, make sure they don't go to the axe yard to get a scraper.
11. Fires starters made from lint, wax, and egg cartons don't work as nearly as well as ones made from lint, wax, egg cartons and potassium permanganate.
12. A broken fingernail is only a hurry case for Girl Scouts.
13. Making snake looping sticks and clearing all of the copperheads out of the field next to the church is not generally viewed as an acceptable service project for your bear den. (but the boys have a blast.)
14. If you feel that the scout's mothers are getting too involved with the den meeting, inviting the local pet storeowner in for "Meet the Tarantula night" will usually fix the problem.
15. Making mouse habitats out of 2-liter coke bottles and giving each scout a $0.68 mouse also works well.
16. The church will think better of you if you do "Bleach and Brake fluid" night outside.
17. The average Wal-Mart mess kit will last approximately one meal.
18. The ability of the average Cub Scout to keep track of their mess kit is slightly shorter than one meal.
19. If your wife yells at you because your son never brings home all of his socks from a camp out, pick up all of the lost or missing clothing you can (typically one 55 gallon garbage bag) and bring it home. This will greatly increase your odds of at least getting your kids socks home and also buy the lasting gratitude of every mother in the pack.
20. Boys will never use soap to clean their mess kit, water bottles, pot or pans.
21. Boys will always use soap to clean cast iron.
22. Nothing is more satisfying as a scout leader than getting the scouts who kept you up to 2:00 AM up at 5:00 AM (and on the trail by 5:45).
23. A Scouts likely hood of forgetting to pack an item for a trip is in direct proportion to the items importance.
24. You should always point the lashed together catapult away from the neighbor’s house before you shoot the 16-pound bowling ball.
25. If the thought of a group of scouts doing first aid on you doesn't keep you safe, nothing will.
Assistant Cubmaster, Pack 42
Assistant Scoutmaster, Troop 42
Associate Advisor, Crew 42
01-30-09, 11:52 AM #16243
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
01-30-09, 03:13 PM #16244
Old but still funny
Old Timers Bar in Arizona:
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in sunny Arizona.
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.' They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this Is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
'Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired folks from Sun City.
They're waiting for Happy hour when drinks are half price.'
02-01-09, 01:25 PM #16245
The Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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