Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Brokeback Spiders

A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was.

As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye.

As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.

"Those spiders are mating, honey."

"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement.

"A daddy long legs."

"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.

The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs."

The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.

Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"

The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that
brokeback mountain **** going on here!"

[thedrifter]

Cultural Sex laws
Cultural laws

1) In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

2) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

3) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

4) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

5) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

6) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

7) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

8) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

9) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I gather this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

10) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ...Not as great as Guam!)

[thedrifter]

Skinny Dippers and a Smart Old Man

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[mcvet57103]

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to
make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is
going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt
still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.

[thedrifter]

speeding ticket


Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He lo oks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[thedrifter]

http://stuff.pyzam.com/toys/tictacscare.swf

[mcvet57103]

A United States Marine was attending some college courses
between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and
Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of

the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the
class
when he came in. He
looked
to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want
you
to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes' The
lecture
room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and
the
professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still
waiting'




It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of
his
chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him
off
the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his
seat
and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned
and sat
there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably

shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter
with
you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too
busy
today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to
say
stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent
me.'

[Ed Palmer]

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day
he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty
good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'Honey, you were right!' 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.......

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'

[ameriken]

HER DIARY:

My husband has bee acting wierd today.

We had plans to meet at a bar for a couple of drinks. I spent the day shopping with my friends, so I thought maybe he was upset that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

He was quiet, so I suggested that we go find a place where we could talk. He agreed, but didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong: he said, 'Nothing.'

I asked if I did something to upset him. He said 'no', it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, and just kept driving. I am a bit concerned, I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, like didn't want anything to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem cold and distant.

Finally, knowing he wasn't going to open up and share with me, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came too. I gently caressed him, and to my surprise, he responded and we made love. But I still felt he was distracted and that his mind was someplace else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I wonder if I should talk to a counselor. I wonder if he would go? I am positive his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[thedrifter]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."



"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.


"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.



"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."



And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.



Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens i

n heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."



So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.



"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."



The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."



So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.



Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...



The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"



The devil looks at him, smiles and says...



"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

[thedrifter]

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

18. And lastly, when you press charges on your family members, you refer to the judge as "Your Majesty."

[thedrifter]

A little humor to break the tension....
Snopes.com ^


A classic (but still funny) poke at the OTHER guys! Enjoy.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/zombies.asp

[thedrifter]

History of the World. Conservatives vs. Liberals. (Vanity, awesome joke)


For those that don't know about history...... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were: 1 The invention of beer, and 2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals 2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.....

[NamNuts]

Hey its a light duty kinda day..specially for us ole farts Marines! Gotta save up for 10 NOV ;-)
So, another funny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wLI5uj7KQc

[thedrifter]

NamNuts

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: ‘I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.’

She answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’

‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

‘My dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you crying?’

‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.’

The nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.