Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

How about a little help on this, I knew I was somewhat dumb but not totaly stupid. But younever know

[Sgted]

Frank Sinatra Sings...
"Strangers On My Flight".

Turn up the volume...
http://www.beecy.net/frank/

[Sgted]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his penc il and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret . The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber.. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question... "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Nun fainted!

[Arlene Horton]

What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of Lake Michigan?


A GOOD START!

[thedrifter]

Philosophic Questions


Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?

[thedrifter]

Pool Party


Once there was a rich dude who owned a huge mansion, lots of
cars, was an alcoholic, and smoked crack. He even had a huge
pool which he filled with hundreds of alligators.

One day he was having a pool party and everyone got drunk and
high. After a while the rich guy stood up on a table and made a
speech. He said, "Anyone who swims across my pool will get my
house. No one jumped in. Then he said, "Anyone who swims across
my pool gets my house and my cars. No one jumped. "Anyone who
swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, alcohol, and my
cars." No one jumped in. "Anyone who swims across my pool gets
my house, my cars, my alcohol, and my crack. He heard a splash
and looked up.

He saw a guy jump into the pool. Alligators were on him in a
second, but this guy did tarzan moves, wrestled alligators, etc.
Finally, he climbed out on the other side. The rich dude walked
around and said, "That was amazing. I never thought anyone would
do that! When do you want my house?" The guy said "I don't want
your house." "When do you want my cars?" "I don't want your
cars." " When do you want my alcohol? "I don't want your
alcohol." When do you want my crack?" "I don't want you crack."
"Well, what do you want?" "I want the freaking bastard who
pushed me in!"

[thedrifter]

Golf and the Physical Therapist


A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm
a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me", she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How
does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell.

[thedrifter]

Most Embarrasing


Can It Get More Embarrassing Than This? The following are two of
the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest:

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start
behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!" "The silence was
deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams
of laughter." Amy Richardson-- Stafford, Virginia

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited
my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give a piggyback ride to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have
time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,
'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents,
cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend
and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what
seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again." Tim Cahill--Poughkeepsie, New
York

[thedrifter]

Interesting Facts (With Interesting Comments)


If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over
quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares! )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about the pig?)

[thedrifter]

Would You Kill My Wife


A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

[thedrifter]

Vacation at a Nude Beach


Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and
plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom
says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than
daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they
are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest
lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and
dumber he got!"

[thedrifter]

Things I Learned from Children


If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman
cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by
20-foot room.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does
not leak--it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4
inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

[thedrifter]

Why We Love Kids


A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later,
"Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes
later... "Da-aaad...." "What??" "I'm Thirsty!Can I have a drink
of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!" Five minutes later......"DAAAA-AAAAD......" "WHAT!!" "When
you come in to spank me...can you bring a drink of water?"

********************

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking a small boy into bed. As she was about to turn off the
light he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said " I have to sleep in
Daddy;s room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."

********************

During the Sunday morning service all the children were invited
to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and
said "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The
little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my mommy says it's a ***** to iron."

********************

Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the
playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I
was told tha if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would
stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith,
you can't say you weren't warned."

[thedrifter]

Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I
told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just
as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a
quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible
conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then farted."

[thedrifter]

Old Couple Arrived in Heaven


An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years,
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten
years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and
exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a
master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to
cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course
that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
every day, and each week the course would change to new one that
represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man
asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is
heaven; you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?"
asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it
is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are
the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked
timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as
much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and
you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and
shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted
bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"