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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
10-01-04, 05:32 AM #10471
Bigger than a horse
A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of 5's and a little card it reads:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.
2 minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he ****ed on the floor.
So the guy takes the money and leaves.
THE NEXT DAY:
The same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.
4 minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"
10-01-04, 05:32 AM #10472
St Patrick was gay
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.
So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman.
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care."
The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn."
So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman.
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch this."
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
10-01-04, 05:33 AM #10473
Time To Go Home
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
10-01-04, 05:33 AM #10474
I Nearly ****ed Myse
Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. 'Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?' 'Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.' 'Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and **** into it without spilling a drop.' Jack thought to himself, 'This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made.' 'Okay Bob. you're on.' Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, 'Okay Bob, Let's see what you got.' Bob unzipped his fly and staring ****ing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. 'What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.' 'Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.' 'Yeah, what about him.' 'Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could **** all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn't you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.'
10-01-04, 05:34 AM #10475
Guys take man home
Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guy's too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him home.
So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his face. They pick him up, and the guy's feet are dragging on the ground.
They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again, but nope, he falls flat on his face.
They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up the stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him to his apartment, and knock on his door.
The guy's wife answers and says "Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back. Where's his wheelchair?"
10-01-04, 05:34 AM #10476
Ode to beer
'You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.' - Frank Zappa.
'Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.' - Ernest Hemingway.
'Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.' - Winston Churchill.
'He was a wise man who invented beer.' - Plato.
'Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.' - Catherine Zondonella.
'A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.' - W. C. Fields.
'Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.' - Churchill's reply.
'Sir, you're drunk!' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Yes madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.' - Churchill's reply.
'If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.' - David Daye.
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' - Henny Youngman.
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' - Benjamin Franklin.
'If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.' - Jack Handy.
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' - Dave Barry.
'The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.' - Humphrey Bogart.
'Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.' - David Moulton.
'People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.' - Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.
'Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.' - Kaiser Wilhelm.
'I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.' - Homer Simpson.
'Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.' - Unknown
'I drink to make other people interesting.' - George Jean Nathan.
'They who drink beer will think beer.' - Washington Irving.
'An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.' - Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.
'You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.' - Dean Martin.
'All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.' - Homer Simpson.
10-01-04, 08:05 AM #10477
worlds worst hunting dog
Getting your dog ready for dear season
10-02-04, 05:10 AM #10478
A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."
This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"
The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get screwed!"
10-02-04, 05:10 AM #10479
"You're a high priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"
"Absolutely! What's the second question?"
10-02-04, 05:10 AM #10480
NASA Mars Mission
NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
10-02-04, 05:11 AM #10481
Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean.
After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are."
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground."
So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?"
The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon 100 feet up in the air."
George turns to Harry and says, "that man is a lawyer."
"How can you tell?", inquires Harry.
George answers, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."
10-02-04, 05:13 AM #10482
1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They weren't working.... They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you
(A) Go to lunch, or (B) read the newspaper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? 'Senator.'
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? 'Your Honor.'
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Don't know. (There are some things a pig just won't do.)
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.
17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
10-02-04, 05:13 AM #10483
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor", he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I thought, 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
The tired and annoyed judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool.
That man is the lawyer!"
10-02-04, 05:13 AM #10484
10 Husbands, Still a
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
10-02-04, 05:14 AM #10485
A brief affair
A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm.
After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate.
However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.
"All I know for sure is that it was a partner, I had to do all the work."
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