Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Bigger Breasts


A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her
a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she
stands in front of the mirror, looking at herslef, asking him
how she looks.

One day fresh out of the shower, she was yet again in front of
the mirror, now complaining that her breasts our too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion,
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day get a peice of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a peice of toilet
paper, standing in front of the mirror and rubbing it between
her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "Oh, they'll
grow larger over a period of years." he replied. The wife stops.
"Why do you think rubbing a peice of tiolet paper between my
breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" The
husband shrugs, "It worked for your ass didn't it?"

[thedrifter]

Work Thoughts


Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn
off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks

[nc.gal]

AN OLDER LADY


An older lady gets pulled over for speeding----

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer ?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see-----Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it??

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what???

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older Woman: Is there a problem sir ?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am??

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding , too.

[thedrifter]

The Old Lady's Car Jacking!


An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males
in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she
knows how to use it and that she will if required so get out of
the car.

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out
and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her
shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers
seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car
was identical and parked four/five spaces further down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore
himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the
counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by
a mad elderly white woman. No charges were filed.

[thedrifter]

Bank Robbery


A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good
plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front
of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and
asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and
replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once
more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut
the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more
than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the
car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited.

After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's
doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was
lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard
ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to
reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in
the car but finally jsut gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into
the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The
security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the
safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically
asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was
panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I
followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT!
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

[thedrifter]

Load It up
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of
somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment
complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on
to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and
managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade."

But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put
some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde
showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into
the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started
acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen,
and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his
sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of
his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into
the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of
milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you
guys load those things!"

[thedrifter]

Apples and Oranges
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons,
kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a
brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young
girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on
the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood,
but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously," What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let
grandma in on her little secret, the young girl said that some
people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up
for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some
myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the
line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning
all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the
line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my
dentures, and suck 'em dry".

[thedrifter]

What I did in Texas!


(If you can imagine a real mean cowboy accent, the effect of
this joke will be much better!)

A cowboy is traveling on his horse when he sees a bar. He
decides to stop for a few drinks, so he ties his horse outside
the bar, walks into the bar, sits right up at the counter and
orders a few beers. This cowboy is new in town, so he notices
some of the other bar patrons giving him funny looks, and he
suspects that they'll try something funny, but he continues to
drink. When he's satisfied, he pays for the beers and walks out
of the bar only to find his horse missing.

However, he keeps his cool, struts back into the bar, puts on a
really mean look and says, "Look, I don't know what you asses
did to my horse out there...but I'm planning to make a move on
within the next FIVE minutes, and if my horse isn't back where
it's supposed to be by then, well...I'm gonna have to do here
what I did in Texas!" The cowboy sneers. "And I DON'T wanna do
what I did in Texas!"

The cowboy glares at everyone before returning to the counter
and ordering another couple of beers. The other customers seem a
bit shaken, and sure enough after 5 minutes, the cowboy walks
out and finds his horse tied where it was supposed to be.

Just as he's about to leave, the bartender approaches him and
asks, "Just out of curiosity, partner. What was it you did in
Texas that you didn't want to do here?" The cowboy turns to the
bartender, gives a lopsided grin and replies, "I had to walk
home!"

[thedrifter]

Transportation project


The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they
had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the
past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black
boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to
determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15
seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last
words of drivers in 74.7 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh,
****!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 92.3 percent of the
final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

[thedrifter]

A Redneck Letter


Dear Son,

I am writing this slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the
paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so
we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put
your shirts in it, I pulled the chain, and haven't seen them
since.

It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time, and
four days the second. The coat you wanted me to send you, your
aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail
with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in
the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we
didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she
comes. Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat, some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought then off playfully, so he
drowned. We cremated him. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup, one was
driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he
rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two
drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write
more later.

Love,

Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but I already had this
sealed.

[thedrifter]

Cold Winter?


The Native Americans asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter
was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the
chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the
members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and
called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter
to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be
quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even
more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is
it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and
find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again:
"Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very
cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Native Americans are
collecting wood like crazy!"

[thedrifter]

15 Fun Things to do in Public Areas


(I actually did all of these)

1. Go up to random people and ask "How are you doing?" See what
kind of conversation you can start.
(I met lots of new people this way)

2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to
that person and say "Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You
forgot my name, didn't you!?"
(People normally look at me very confused with this one.)

3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help.
(If they don't help, I yell out, "FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!")

4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down.
See if they apologize.
(This is hard to do, because they normally try to avoid me when
I try to bump them.)

5. Walk behind someone until he/she turns around. Then say,
"What?"
(You should look very confused, so it makes them be confused
also.)

6. Run around and jump on things and make noises pretending to
be a monkey.
(It works with any animal.)

7. Put water in your mouth, and pretend you are barfing when
someone walks by.
(It's really funny when you chew up some Snickers for this.)

8. Get an "Obsession, for men" cologne sample spray, and go up
to people asking, "Do you have an obsession for men? I was
just wondering because I have an obsession for me. It's in my
pants. Do you want me to spray you with it?" When they look at
you funny, take out the cologne and say "What? It's just my
obsession for men cologne. What were you thinking of?"
(It doesn't work on the people that have the cologne.)

9. Walk behind someone and have an arguement with yourself.
(It's even better if you talk in two different voices.)

10. Have a bottle of water and go up to people saying, "Thirsty?"
(I got a total of 5 people to drink from my bottle.)

11. Have a newspaper or a book(or something like that) and hold
it out to someone and ask, "Thirsty?"
(Confusion is funny.)

12. Put a chunk of something sticky on your hand, and go up to
people saying, "Eh, how're you doing?" and try to shake their
hand.
(Some people actually don't notice huge sticky brown things
sticking to your hand.)

13. Jump kick a wall and look at someone and say, "Please don't
do that."
(It works with trees too.)

14. Go up to someone and say in a very low voice, "Death by
catapult."
(There is also, death by spatula, death by rug burn, death by
malapropism, or any other weird random way of death.)

15. Get people to join you in your strange adventures.
(Twice the people = twice the fun.)

Be careful about the people you do these things to. Have fun.

[thedrifter]

Two hands full


Once upon a time there was a young red neck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmers
wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw
Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become
aroused for the first time and shocked, ran to find the farmer
to explain this strange phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceded to drop his trousers and
whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the
farmer.
"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But i don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into
the milk shed, get some cow **** and rub it on your dick. It'll
go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and
saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting
hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked
up two handfulls of ****. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this **** on my dick to make
it go down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the
ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both handfulls.

[Ed Palmer]

>Why I Fired My Secretary ...
> > > > >
> > > > >Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday
and I wasn't feeling too
> good
> > > > that
> > > > >morning. I went to breakfast
knowing my wife would be
> pleasant
> and
> > > > say,
> > > > >"Happy Birthday!", and probably
have a present for me.
> > > > >
> > > > >As it turned out, she didn't even
say good morning, let alone
> any
> > > > happy
> > > > >birthday. I thought, well, that's
wives for you, the children
> will
> > > >
> > > > >remember...The children came in to
breakfast and didn't say a
> > > > word. So
> > > > >when I left for the office, I was
feeling pretty low and
> > > > despondent..
> > > > >
> > > > >As I walked into my office, my
secretary Janet said, "Good
> > > > morning,
> > > > >Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I
felt a little better that
> someone
> > > > had
> > > > >remembered. I worked until noon,
then Janet knocked on my
> door
> and
> > > >
> > > > >said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day outside, and it's
> your
> > > >
> > > > >birthday, let's go to lunch, just
you and me." I said, "By
> George,
> > > >
> > > > >that's the greatest thing I've
heard all day. Let's go!" We
> went
> > > > to
> > > > >lunch.
> > > > >
> > > > >We didn't go where we normally go;
instead we went out to a
> > > > private
> > > > >little
> > > > >place. We had two martinis and
enjoyed lunch tremendously.
> On
> the
> > > > way back
> > > > >to the
> > > > >office, she said, "You know, it's
such a beautiful day. We
> don't
> > > > need to go
> > > > >back to the office, do we?" I
said, "No, I guess not." She
> said,
> > > > "Let's
> > > > >go to my
> > > > >apartment."
> > > > >
> > > > >After arriving at her apartment
she said, "Boss, if you don't
> > > > mind, I
> > > > >think
> > > > >I'll go into the bedroom and slip
into something more
> comfortable"
> > > > "Sure!"
> > > > >I excitedly replied.
> > > > >She went into the bedroom and, in
about six minutes, she came
> out
> > > > carrying
> > > > >a huge birthday cake -----
followed by my wife, children, and
> > > > dozens of our
> > > > >friends, all singing Happy
Birthday.
> > > > >
> > > > >And I just sat there ---- on the
couch ---- naked.

[thedrifter]

Happy marriage


There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything.

They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.

He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.

He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies.