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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-21-02, 03:52 PM #16
Trade in Value
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Problem Person.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
06-21-02, 06:11 PM #17LadyLeatherneckGuest Free Member
LMAO!!HOW MANY SERGEANTS DOES IT TAKE TO FILL A SAND BAG: NONE THATS WHAT PVT, PFC'S AND LCPL'S ARE FOR
06-22-02, 08:40 AM #18
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs
dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." One year Morris and Esther
went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I
ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50
dollars is 50 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks,
I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can
stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge
you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did
all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed,
pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell
but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
06-22-02, 09:44 AM #19
Guaranteed to make you smile...Especially since It's a True Story...
This was sent to me by my Lil Sis....
~ ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
~ HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. ~ BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
~ MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
~HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
~ OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
~ ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
~ MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
~ IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
~ HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
~ "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
> > TRUE STORY.
06-22-02, 09:46 AM #20
Dave, a farmer in Kentucky, decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
Dave responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the
Dave said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him
simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Dave's answer and said
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
Dave thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
terrible shape just by her groans.
"About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. "After he looked
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'"
06-23-02, 01:44 PM #21
ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE
Three blondes are sitting in a bar chanting "51 days."
After a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, for the past 3 hours you have been sitting here chanting 51 days. Why?"
The blondes stop chanting and look up.
"Well," says one of the blondes, "we just finished a puzzle."
"So. What does that have to do with anything?" the bartender asked.
"Well, the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in 51 days,"
06-23-02, 01:46 PM #22
Funny Instruction Labels
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as
far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if
we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood
06-23-02, 01:48 PM #23
George Carlin Quotes
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
ambiguity...A few statements to ponder... George Carlin
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be
able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with
33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to
44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be
45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
06-24-02, 06:24 AM #24
You Know you are in Florida during the summertime when
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
add butter, salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs
06-24-02, 06:25 AM #25
Seals vs Marines
A Navy SEAL walks into a Marine bar near Camp LeJeune and announces loudly, "I hear you Marines are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll pay five hundred dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots of Jack Daniels back-to-back." The room falls quiet and no one takes the SEAL's
One Marine gets up and leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Marine who left shows back up and taps the SEAL on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Marine. "Yep," replies the SEAL; and he asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Jack Daniels. Immediately, the Marine slams all ten shots, drinking them all back-to-back. The other bar patrons cheer as the SEAL sits down in amazement. The SEAL pays the Marine the five hundred dollars and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?" The Marine replies, "Oh .. I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first!"
God Bless America and the United States Marine Corps
Once a Marine, Always a Marine
06-24-02, 06:27 AM #26
A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."
06-24-02, 06:51 AM #27
George Carlin is usually right, but....
For the very first time, I disagree with him! Dr. Suess' "One Fish, Two Fish.. " is a brilliant piece of prose. Alliterative puns are very difficult! LOL ( Loved the shot at Privates and PFC's)
06-24-02, 07:02 AM #28
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15
lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his
back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched
18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good ****!"
A Marine lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand,
after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching
25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This
really is great ****."
A Navy SEAL, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a
swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after
jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12
miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp,
then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp,
says, "I love this ****."
The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office,
and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of **** is this?"
06-25-02, 06:21 AM #29
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
06-25-02, 06:23 AM #30
Two fer One Friday!
Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker's Soul
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their
would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is better that I drink
beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
* Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
* Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
* William Butler Yeats
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
* Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
* W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Henry Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of
time and have the time of your life.
* Michelle Mastrolacasa
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Stephen Wright
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear
but at the very least you need a beer.
* Frank Zappa
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
* Benjamin Franklin
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
* Humphrey Bogart
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
* Kaiser Wilhelm
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group.
Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
From Doug Katcos
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