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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
07-15-12, 11:49 AM #19066
A bit of wisdom and advice
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied OK "So now you want me to stay?"
07-15-12, 11:59 AM #19067
A couple entered the store where I sold furniture, and the wife said they were interested in a sofa. After I showed her several styles and colors, she made her selection.
"Hold it!" her husband interrupted, slipping off his shoes. "Let's give this thing a real test."
He eased down on the sofa, found a comfortable position and grinned at his wife. "Now," he said, "start telling me how much the grass needs cutting."
07-16-12, 01:54 PM #19068
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called, "Gonorrhea Lectim." It is pronounced "Gonna re-elect him" and it is a terrible Obamanation. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum.
Many victims contracted it in 2008...But now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-3 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is. It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose now and the second dose in Nov. 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
07-16-12, 02:28 PM #19069
07-16-12, 04:17 PM #19070
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
07-17-12, 11:21 AM #19071
07-17-12, 02:10 PM #19072
07-18-12, 08:57 AM #19073
A rich blonde buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the
Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde
and asks: "Ma’am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a
question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the
day and N at night."
07-18-12, 09:06 AM #19074
07-18-12, 10:33 AM #19075
Harold was an old man. He was sick
and in the hospital.There was one nurse
that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk
to him like he was a little child. She
would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
�And how are we doing this morning',
or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?'
Old Harold had had enough of this
particular nurse. One day, at breakfast,
Old Harold took the apple juice off the
tray and put it in his bed side stand.
Next, he was given a urine bottle
to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked
up the urine bottle and looked at it.
'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. '
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle
out of her hand, popped off the top,
and drank it down, saying,
'Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time.'
The nurse fainted!
Old Harold just smiled!
DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE!!!!
07-18-12, 10:37 AM #19076
Test for Alcoholism
According to these test results, I am not an alcoholic. I’ve been concerned about a few of you so when I saw this simple test I thought I should forward it to you:
Simple alcoholism test that you can take on the privacy of your computer . . . . . .
Scroll down for your results.
If you saw the bar sign, you’re an alcoholic.
07-18-12, 12:52 PM #19077
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shxit.
07-18-12, 01:38 PM #19078
07-19-12, 12:34 PM #19079
07-19-12, 03:23 PM #19080
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