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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-23-12, 06:24 AM #19006At dawn, the telephone rings ...
"Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for
you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a
small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed
him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all
that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you
talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because
of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Rod". She
showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the
TFC 149D graphite shaft."
LONG SILENCE ...
VERY LONG SILENCE ...
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t."
06-24-12, 09:18 AM #19007
> > In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital.
> > For years
> > he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital
> > and was
> > well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his
> > nurse to
> > come near.
> > "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
> > "I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid
> > before I
> > die," whispered the priest.
> > "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
> > The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and
> > waited for
> > a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry
> > Reid would
> > be delighted to visit the priest.
> > As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid , "I
> > don't know
> > why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly
> > help our
> > images and might even get me re-elected." Reid agreed that
> > it was a
> > good thing.
> > When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took
> > Obama's hand in
> > his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was
> > silence and
> > a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally
> > President Obama
> > spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why
> > did you
> > choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
> > The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to
> > pattern my life
> > after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
> > "Amen", said Obama.
> > "Amen", said Reid.
> > The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying
> > thieves; I
> > would like to do the same."
The Proud, The Few, The Constitutional Marine
06-24-12, 10:30 AM #19008
First time I heard this joke, the priest had asked for bush and cheney? weird, huh?
06-25-12, 04:06 AM #19009
You must have heard it wrong.
Good thing it is corrected.
06-25-12, 07:38 AM #19010
Couldn't have heard it wrong, bush and cheney were the only ones around then!
06-25-12, 09:17 AM #19011
A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck
owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:
'Didn't you say to the state trooper
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my
fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down
da road.... '
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the
this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now
several weeks after the accident, he is
trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to
the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what
he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.
Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de
Trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and
trailer came tundering tru a stop
sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one
ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder
By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move.
An even vurse dan dat, I could
hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain
yust by her
after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
hear Bessie a moanin' and a
groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
condition, he took out his
Gun and shot her right between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock vud you say?'
06-25-12, 09:58 AM #19012
Old but still funny
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, Allah Akbar! "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!” So tomorrow, bright and early, I am going out and getting a job as a truck driver.
06-25-12, 10:34 AM #19013
06-26-12, 08:08 AM #19014
06-26-12, 09:39 AM #19015
06-29-12, 09:17 AM #19016
Always learn new stuff!
Longest Nerve In The Body
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a
sh**ty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your axx and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eyes.
My public service is done for the day!
06-29-12, 09:24 AM #19017
NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRY TO GET IT
THE BIG DOG ALWAYS TAKES IT FROM US
06-30-12, 04:37 PM #19018
Cell phone etiquette
> Eric's Train Ride
> After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her
eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
> As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled
out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart, it's
Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four
thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the
accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my
life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
> Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman
sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous loud
blabbing, yelled: "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to
> Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any more.
07-01-12, 01:43 PM #19019
Al Qa'eda To Go On Strike
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from the shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are just not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in Liverpool, Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
07-02-12, 09:17 AM #19020
I was in Star Buck`s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod
…and how was your day?
That's what happens when old people start using technology !
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