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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
05-29-12, 03:49 PM #18946
05-29-12, 03:50 PM #18947
05-30-12, 12:42 PM #18948
05-30-12, 08:10 PM #18949
MAN ON A MOPED
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic signal. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
Doc replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That's a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, “Do you mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped.”
Just then the traffic signal changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ... something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped. Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
Doc stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I'm a doctor ... is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!”
Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
Avoid Sears Home Improvement!
05-31-12, 06:26 AM #18950
Three young New York Primary pupils with a reputation as being likeable rogues decided that they needed to improve their street cred. After much debate they decided that they needed to have cool nicknames:
Ryan became Rydo
Alan became Aldo
Dylan became ................
Poor wee soul had no idea!!
05-31-12, 12:58 PM #18951
Happy and Sad
A couple were sitting watching a TV program about psychologywhich was explaining the phenomenon of"mixed emotions."
The guy turned to his girlfriend and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
05-31-12, 04:09 PM #18952
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just
couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer
left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back
from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel
home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just
wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the family
doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "Just take your rifle out to the field
with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air.
That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't
lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came
back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood,
I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd
find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
06-01-12, 07:22 AM #18953A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his
favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She
paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again,
after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido
reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together
screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping...
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and
asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
"No, I'm Norwegian."
06-01-12, 09:42 AM #18954
06-01-12, 09:44 AM #18955
HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with an old, well-read copy
of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an
hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this
morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it
was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em
in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
06-01-12, 09:50 AM #18956
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world . . . then He made the earth round.
06-02-12, 05:28 AM #18957
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
And she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
(You're going to love this.............You're going to hate yourself for loving this!...............)
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
06-02-12, 02:04 PM #18958
Keep them coming.
06-03-12, 08:33 AM #18959
I Just Realized Something.........
It just hit me!
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year,
if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he
needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick
My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!!
06-03-12, 10:20 AM #18960
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