Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1264
  1. #18946
    A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

    Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
    And she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

    (You're going to love this.............You're going to hate yourself for loving this!...............)









    'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'


  2. #18947
    Keep them coming.


  3. #18948
    I Just Realized Something.........



    It just hit me!
    My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
    He has his food prepared for him.
    His meals are provided at no cost to him.
    He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year,
    if any medical needs arise.
    For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
    He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he
    needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
    If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
    He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
    He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
    He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
    All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
    I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick
    ..........
    My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!!


  4. #18949
    Quote Originally Posted by Ed Palmer View Post
    New Birth Control Poster

    If this doesn't get people to use condoms, I don't know what else will...


    Attachment 22054
    Too bad abortion wasn't legal back in 1961, it could have done a big favor for the country.


  5. #18950
    Subject: Magic sandals






    A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the
    market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
    shop.

    From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
    foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

    So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some
    special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at
    sex.'
    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
    man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex
    God that he was.

    The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
    The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

    Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
    tried them on.
    As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
    something his wife hadn't seen before!!

    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the
    table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
    hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

    The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'








  6. #18951

  7. #18952
    I don't know if the new site is crazy slow or if something else is causing the problems.

    Anyway...

    (A) I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!


    (B) The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Sarah.


    (C) Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


    (D) My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


    (E) The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.


    (F) A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man replies, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"


    (G) I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."


    (H) My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.


    (I) The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  8. #18953
    Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.








    A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.


    Pass this safety information on to all your buddies!



  9. #18954
    Marine Free Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
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    front range
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    I love the jokes you all s/f


  10. #18955
    When my wife's little sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end. One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36."Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?" The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?" Rory got to spend the night.


  11. #18956
    Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

    My six year old grandson asked if he could say grace.

    As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”

    Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!”

    Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?”

    As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”

    “Really?” my grand-son asked.

    “Cross my heart,” the man replied.

    Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”

    Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

    He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Shove it up your backside, you grouchy old woman!”

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  12. #18957
    The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well dressed, good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50′s.

    “May I help you?” she asked.

    "I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

    “Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
    prefer someone else,” said the madam.

    “No. I must see Valerie,” he replied.

    Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
    dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,
    the man calmly left.

    The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see
    Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in
    a row — too expensive — and there were no discounts. The price was
    still $5,000.

    Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

    The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

    After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

    The man replied, “Boston.”

    “Really” she said. “I have family in Boston.”

    “I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

    The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

    1. Death

    2. Taxes, and

    3. Being screwed by a lawyer


    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  13. #18958
    A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog


    was allowed on the plane.





    The second man explained that he was from the Police Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.





    'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'








    The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search'.





    Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.





    Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.





    The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.





    'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.





    Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.





    The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.





    The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'





    'I like it!' said his seat mate.





    The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.





    Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.





    The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.





    So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'





    The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.


  14. #18959
    ONLY A MAN


    WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.


    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??


    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.


    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?


    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?


    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.



    The directions said that:

    a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

    a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'



    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.


    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!


    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.


    Note:

    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,


    one note of caution:


    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

    A three second burst would be considered conservative!


    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.


    · My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.


    · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.


    · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.


    · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.


    · I had no control over the drooling.


    · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.


    · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!



    PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!


  15. #18960
    A farmer gets on a bus to go to town to sell his donkey, rooster and hen. Halfway there, the donkey jumps out the window and the farmer panics and asks the lady sitting next to him: "Ma'am, will you hold my cock and pullet, while I go after my ass?"


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