Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1259
  1. #18871
    Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:
    1.BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
    2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
    3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
    4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
    5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
    6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
    7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
    8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
    9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
    10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
    WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF


  2. #18872
    Made in China




    While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

    A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

    The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

    The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”

    The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

    The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

    The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

    The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

    “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

    “Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”
























































  3. #18873
    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.


    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.


    The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'


    The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'


    The priest looked up from his book and answered, 'I am the Father of many.'


    The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'


    The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.


    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  4. #18874
    THIS IS TRULY THE JOKE OF THE DAY


    Obama: Troops Are Fighting On My Behalf
    Red State ^ | 5/9/2012 | Staff

    Posted on Thursday, May 10, 2012 6:43:35 AM by IbJensen

    When Barack Obama made his unsurprising announcement today that he has finally evolved far enough to endorse homosexual marriage, ironically an evolutionary dead end, he made two other interesting statements.

    First, he attributes his evolution to his Christian faith. This is sort of odd, speaking as a Trinitarian Christian, because it puts Christ in the position of disavowing himself. This is not surprising. Anyone who learned Christian theology from Jeremiah Wright is bound to have imbibed a substantial number of heresies.

    The most surprising statement was this:

    [W]hen I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf…

    Really. Our troops are fighting on his behalf? I had always imagined they were fighting on behalf of the nation.


  5. #18875
    Screw up


  6. #18876
    Ed, every individual of this country can use the terms, "they are fighting on my behalf", perfectly legit!


  7. #18877
    In Poland the town cow stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being poor, they bought the cow from Minsk.

    The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

    They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

    The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

    The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

    The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

    "The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."



  8. #18878
    *Distinction between Guts and Balls*


    *To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: *

    *there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

    We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know *

    the difference between them?

    In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:



    **GUTS** **- is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys,

    being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask,

    Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

    **BALLS** **- is coming home late after a night out with the guys,

    smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and

    slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,

    You're next, Chubby.

    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

    Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.



    *Both result in death.*


  9. #18879
    You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

    My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: “Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets.” The headline referred to it as a “massive weapons cache”.

    By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called “mentally unstable”. Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

    In Arizona , he’d be called “an avid gun collector”.

    In Texas , he’d be called “a novice gun collector”.

    In Utah , he’d be called “moderately well prepared”, but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

    In Montana , he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘Go-To’ guy”.

    In Idaho , he’d be called “a likely gubernatorial candidate”.

    In Wyoming , he’d be called “an eligible bachelor”.

    In Wisconsin , he’d be called “a deer hunting buddy”.


    And, in Alabama , we just call him “Bubba”.


  10. #18880
    According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a

    unique problem.

    A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it

    on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips

    to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them,
    and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that

    something had to be done... She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little
    princesses).


    To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There

    are teachers...and then, there are Educators .



  11. #18881
    Love, Lust & Marriage


    LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
    LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
    MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

    LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love".
    LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
    MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

    LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
    LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
    MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

    LOVE - When you share everything you own.
    LUST - When you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
    MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

    LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
    LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
    MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

    LOVE - When you phone each other just to say "I love you".
    LUST - When you phone each other just to organize sex.
    MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

    LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
    LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
    MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

    LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
    LUST - When you couldn't give a ****.
    MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

    LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
    LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
    MARRIAGE - When your farewell is silent.

    LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
    LUST - When you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
    MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

    LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
    LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
    MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

    LOVE - When nobody else matters.
    LUST - When nobody else knows.
    MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

    LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
    LUST - When it's just the same mushy old ****.
    MARRIAGE - When you never listen to music.

    LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
    LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
    MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

    LOVE - When you're interested in everything your partner does.
    LUST - When you're only interested in one thing.
    MARRIAGE - When you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.


  12. #18882
    Dear Mom


    A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "MOM". With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


    Dear Mom,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you. I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, she's pregnant and Barbara said that we will be very happy together. Even though I know you won't care for her because she is much older than me, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for aids so barbara can get better; She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom; I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Love,
    Your Son,
    John

    P. S. Mom, none of this is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call me when it's safe for me to come home.


  13. #18883
    DOJ’s ‘Proof’ of Sheriff Joe’s ‘Racial Discrimination’ is Photo of a Chihuahua? Seriously?

    If you needed a symbol of the utterly preposterous lawsuit against Sheriff Joe Arpaio and his Maricopa County Sheriffs Department (MCSO), this may well be it.

    On page 2 of the 32-page complaint, filed yesterday in U.S. District Court in Phoenix, the Department of Justice references "insensitive" emails sent by MCSO employees. The prima fascie evidence? Read for yourself...

    MCSO supervisors involved in immigration enforcement have expressed anti-Latino bias, in one instance widely distributing an email that included a photograph of a Chihuahua dog dressed in swimming gear with the caption “A Rare Photo of a Mexican Navy Seal.”
    In case you missed this shocking, vicious, racist, "anti-Latino" photograph when it made the rounds on the interwebs years ago, here it is...





  14. #18884
    A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.



    Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny...



    The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.



    Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."



    The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?"



    Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."



    The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.



    Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."



    Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your momwas a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"



    With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."




























































































  15. #18885
    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"


    Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a web page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to a satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


    The young man then opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility.


    Within seconds, he receives an email on his portable device that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a database through a spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response.


    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.


    He watches the young man select one of the animals, and looks on with amusement as he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


    Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


    "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.


    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"


    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."


    "Now give me back my dog."

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

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