Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

This is a story of four older ladies who lived in Italy. They always sat outside together near the church And chatted about when they were younger.







One month ago they pooled their money together And bought a laptop.



Never having been, but having heard all about Florida. They just happened to click on St. Augustine , FL.

They read about the "Fountain of Youth" claimed by the Spaniards when they arrived there.



They collected up all they had left and sent for four bottles of the water. As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed.



The rest of this story will make you a believer, because No.......This is TRUE! Really!







Here they are today...................







Would We lie to you?



We have a limited supply of this water available at an incredibly low price of just



$1,499.95 a bottle.

Seriously.



HURRY BEFORE THE INVENTORY RUNS OUT!!!!



Make checks payable to:

"Democratic National Committee To Re-Elect Obama"



(You can trust us; we would NEVER lie to you!)[/

[oldtop]

CAHOOTS!

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump
and I'm not too enthusiastic about that much physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.
You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely,
love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another...

I live in my own world!!!....but that's okay - they all know me here!!!
I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

[David R 1968]

Did you hear what the gay sperm said to his buddy?







"How do they expect us to find the egg in all of this crap?"

[Ed Palmer]

Here's a two-minute reminder that treadmills are evil


Have you ever wondered why treadmills have that clip-on emergency stop cord? Here are twenty-nine human reasons (plus canine and feline ones), along with a reminder that treadmills are evil machines that have been designed to destroy mankind. Thanks to the WorldWide Interweb, we now have "The Ultimate Treadmill Fails Compilation," almost two consecutive minutes of people flying off treadmills into walls, cabinets and more walls (Pro Tip: Don't put your treadmill directly in front of the wall). This doesn't make us more likely to step onto one of Hell's Exercisers later today, but it will ensure that we always have a camera when we're in the cardio room.

[Conch]

[irpat54]

funny movie trailer spoof, laughed my but off,,(of course it grew back)

http://screen.yahoo.com/chutes-and-l...4-70e58b73187a

[jp2usmc]

Bagpiper at a funeral


I found this anonymous article deeply moving. I hope you do, too.


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently I'm still lost.

[David R 1968]

The phone rings, and the wife answers.



A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight a s s hole with no hair."




Woman replies, "why yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

[Marine1955]

funny movie trailer spoof, laughed my but off,,(of course it grew back)

http://screen.yahoo.com/chutes-and-l...4-70e58b73187a

Try this

[Ed Palmer]

Guess the Nationality?




Please follow this through to the end.

It is very clever.


Guess the Nationality?







American?

Swiss?

Spanish?

French?

Italian?


<><><><><><><><><>


All wrong.......... POLISH!






Don't believe it?





Okay, take a look...





<><><><><><><><><>









So, what were you thinking?

Wrong again

Remember - Keep Smiling! It makes




people wonder what you're up to!

[advanced]

One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for job placement was:

"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human
body that is more useful when erect!"




Those who spelled spine became doctors, the rest of us went to the police academy.

[Ed Palmer]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:
1.BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

[David R 1968]

Made in China While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.” The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.” The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.” The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!” The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.” The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.” The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!” “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. “Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”

[jp2usmc]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.


The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.


The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'


The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'


The priest looked up from his book and answered, 'I am the Father of many.'


The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'


The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.


The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

[Ed Palmer]

THIS IS TRULY THE JOKE OF THE DAY


Obama: Troops Are Fighting On My Behalf
Red State ^ | 5/9/2012 | Staff

Posted on Thursday, May 10, 2012 6:43:35 AM by IbJensen

When Barack Obama made his unsurprising announcement today that he has finally evolved far enough to endorse homosexual marriage, ironically an evolutionary dead end, he made two other interesting statements.

First, he attributes his evolution to his Christian faith. This is sort of odd, speaking as a Trinitarian Christian, because it puts Christ in the position of disavowing himself. This is not surprising. Anyone who learned Christian theology from Jeremiah Wright is bound to have imbibed a substantial number of heresies.

The most surprising statement was this:

[W]hen I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf…

Really. Our troops are fighting on his behalf? I had always imagined they were fighting on behalf of the nation.