Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1258
  1. #18856
    The Check Up

    An couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
    After the examination, the doctor then said to the man
    "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

    "In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty.
    And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

    "This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."
    After examining the lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine.
    Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

    The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
    The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern.
    He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time.
    Do you know why?" "Oh that old goat!" She replied.
    "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"

  2. #18857
    The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800--the Secret Service Agent offered $30 How ironic--the only government employee actually trying to cut spending gets fired!

  3. #18858

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  4. #18859
    Marine Family Free Member Marinemom32's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Lakeside Park
    Quote Originally Posted by Ed Palmer View Post
    Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

    Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

    Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a
    gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

    Then he takes me
    downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

    Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne,
    dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

    Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,
    Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

    So then we are
    coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

    Completely crazy, he
    tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

    Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

    Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

    I have hard this joke before, George Johnson was always a Retired Marine.

  5. #18860
    This is a story of four older ladies who lived in Italy. They always sat outside together near the church And chatted about when they were younger.

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    One month ago they pooled their money together And bought a laptop.

    Never having been, but having heard all about Florida. They just happened to click on St. Augustine , FL.

    They read about the "Fountain of Youth" claimed by the Spaniards when they arrived there.

    They collected up all they had left and sent for four bottles of the water. As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed.

    The rest of this story will make you a believer, because No.......This is TRUE! Really!

    Here they are today...................

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    Would We lie to you?

    We have a limited supply of this water available at an incredibly low price of just

    $1,499.95 a bottle.



    Make checks payable to:

    "Democratic National Committee To Re-Elect Obama"

    (You can trust us; we would NEVER lie to you!)[/

  6. #18861

    I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
    Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

    I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

    I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
    I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

    I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump
    and I'm not too enthusiastic about that much physical activity anymore.

    I have also been in Doubt.
    That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

    I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

    Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

    One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
    It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

    I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

    Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.
    You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!

    Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely,
    love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another...

    I live in my own world!!!....but that's okay - they all know me here!!!
    I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

  7. #18862
    Did you hear what the gay sperm said to his buddy?

    "How do they expect us to find the egg in all of this crap?"

  8. #18863
    Here's a two-minute reminder that treadmills are evil

    Have you ever wondered why treadmills have that clip-on emergency stop cord? Here are twenty-nine human reasons (plus canine and feline ones), along with a reminder that treadmills are evil machines that have been designed to destroy mankind. Thanks to the WorldWide Interweb, we now have "The Ultimate Treadmill Fails Compilation," almost two consecutive minutes of people flying off treadmills into walls, cabinets and more walls (Pro Tip: Don't put your treadmill directly in front of the wall). This doesn't make us more likely to step onto one of Hell's Exercisers later today, but it will ensure that we always have a camera when we're in the cardio room.

  9. #18864

    The NCO and the Balloonist...

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  10. #18865
    funny movie trailer spoof, laughed my but off,,(of course it grew back)

    The Proud, The Few, The Constitutional Marine

  11. #18866
    Bagpiper at a funeral

    I found this anonymous article deeply moving. I hope you do, too.

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

    Apparently I'm still lost.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  12. #18867
    The phone rings, and the wife answers.

    A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight a s s hole with no hair."

    Woman replies, "why yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

  13. #18868
    Quote Originally Posted by irpat54 View Post
    funny movie trailer spoof, laughed my but off,,(of course it grew back)
    Try this

  14. #18869
    Guess the Nationality?

    Please follow this through to the end.

    It is very clever.

    Guess the Nationality?

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    All wrong.......... POLISH!

    Don't believe it?

    Okay, take a look...


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    So, what were you thinking?

    Wrong again

    Remember - Keep Smiling! It makes

    people wonder what you're up to!

  15. #18870
    One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for job placement was:

    "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human
    body that is more useful when erect!"

    Those who spelled spine became doctors, the rest of us went to the police academy.

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