Chuckles of the Day...

[Marine1955]

That is so funny and true too.LOL

[thedrifter]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[kaelobo]

alright i always like this post ,iam not on LN much no service where i stay at , so iam not up to date with the latest ,read a little bid of the posts , god bless all you guys , best of luck, see you next week, Bob

[thedrifter]

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson

[thedrifter]

Here is a little reminder on how important it is to type that e-mail address correctly.

A Wisconsin businessman traveled to Louisiana on a business trip. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port, and sent a short e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her e-mail address:JennJohn@world.net. Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to: JeanJohn@world.net.

Jean Johnson in Duluth was the wife of a preacher who had just passed away, and who had been buried that morning. The preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. It read, “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!”

[David R 1968]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.


Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles
and will make delivery that much easier.

???Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft
surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room,
slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

[jp2usmc]

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Vinnie

EOF

[David R 1968]

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull S**t artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[Ed Palmer]

Man Dies After Peeing On ‘L’ Tracks In Evanston



The man, Zachary McKee, 27, of Ossian, Ind., was pronounced dead at Saint Francis Hospital in Evanston at 11:52 p.m., according to the Cook County Medical Examiner’s office.

It turned out that the man had climbed down to the tracks to urinate when he fell onto the third rail, according to a news release from the Evanston Police Department.

Authorities have not said whether the man urinated on the third rail.

One of the two people the man was with ran down stairs to the booth at the entrance at the station and alerted the security guard on duty to the situation, Lukidis said. The security guard then called Evanston Police and Fire officials.



The London Daily Mail reported that McKee had served four years with the U.S. Marines, in the Anbar province in Iraq and in Iwakuni, Japan. He served in the Marines for four years, until 2010, the Daily Mail reported.

At the time of his death, McKee was working toward his undergraduate degree in political science and government at Indiana University-Purdue University Fort Wayne, the Daily Mail reported.

McKee’s Twitter page indicated that he was in Chicago for the weekend, and that he had attended a Cubs game at Wrigley Field and visited restaurants in Chinatown. He also tweeted that he stayed in a “jank ass” hotel in Chinatown.

Before his death, McKee tweeted, “There’s no stopping us right now.”

Contrary to legends and lore, the program “Mythbusters” has concluded that urinating directly onto the third rail is unlikely to cause death in itself. In fact, some purported cases of such deaths are actually believed to have involved direct bodily contact with the rail, as appears to be the case in the Sunday night incident.

The Straight Dope reported a couple of years ago that there have been two other local cases of people coming into contact with the third rail after urinating on the ‘L’ tracks.

In 1991, a 14-year-old boy was killed after urinating on the Red Line ‘L’ tracks at the Morse Avenue stop in Rogers Park. While some reports say the cause was urination on the third rail, the Straight Dope concludes that he likely suffered electrocution from direct contact.

In 1977, a man named Sang Yeul Lee trespassed onto the ground-level Brown Line tracks at Kedzie Avenue to urinate. Based on autopsy findings, the Straight Dope says he too likely died by coming into direct contact with the electrified rail.

[jp2usmc]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'


In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:


If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.**


3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.


4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.


5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would run on only five percent of the roads.


6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.


7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.


8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.


9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.


10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.


When all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

[David R 1968]

New Boss...

If you've ever worked for a boss who
reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will
love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was
time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO
noticed a women leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business
. He asked the gal "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young lady looked
at him and said, "I make about $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He
walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the little lady $1,600 in cash and said,
"Here's four weeks' pay. Now get the hell out and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the
CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball girl did here?"



From across the room a little voice said,
"Pizza delivery lady from Domino's.

[jp2usmc]

CAT BATH


1. Put lid and seat of the toilet up, and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. (You may need to stand on the lid.)


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.


6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.


8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,
The Dog

[jp2usmc]

Note: This is a very old joke, but maybe some of you have never heard it...

FIRST TIME SEX


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.


The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.


"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"


The boyfriend goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.


The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.


Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'


The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

[Captain Kirk]

HAHA! I wonder if they have filled that position! LOL

[MOS4429]

Riddle:

A man is a butcher
He is 6 foot, 9 inches tall
He wears a Size 10 shoe
What does he weigh?