Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1253
  1. #18781

    Don't say this to a cop...

    Don't say this to a cop

    The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

    20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

    19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

    18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

    17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

    16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

    15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

    14. Bad cop. No donut.

    13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

    12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

    11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

    10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

    9. I pay your salary

    8. So uh, you on the take or what?

    7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

    6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

    5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

    4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

    3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

    2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

    1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?



  2. #18782
    This is supposed to be "chuckles", this is "sad but true"!


  3. #18783
    A new term known as 'Lesbionics'....
    1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
    A licker cabinet

    2 What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
    A Klondyke

    3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
    Militia Etheridge.

    4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
    Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

    5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
    Fur Traders.

    6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
    A Lickalotapuss.

    7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
    Well Hung.

    8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
    She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

    9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
    Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

    10. What do you call lesbian twins?
    Lick-a-likes.

    11. What's the definition of confusion?
    Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

    12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
    One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

    13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?
    100 people that don't do Dick.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  4. #18784
    Calories:




    They say that during sex you burn off as many
    calories as you do when running 8 miles.







    Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?


  5. #18785
    http://ak.imgfarm.com/images/today/creators/bg/bg041112_image.gif


  6. #18786
    For those that don't know about history, here is the condensed version:


    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.


    The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:


    1 . Liberals
    2. Conservatives.


    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.


    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.


    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.


    Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some note worthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided


    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.


    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers inHollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
    Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys,lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives,athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.


    Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.


    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.


    Here ends today's lesson in world history:


    It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to


    angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.


    A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolutetruth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to **** them off.


    And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self...I'm going to have another beer.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  7. #18787
    SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour.

    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The state takes both and gives you some milk.

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The state takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The state takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
    away.

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income.

    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
    more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
    with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it
    worldwide.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A SPANISH CORPORATION
    You have 2 cows but owe Santander for 6.
    Nobody drinks milk.
    You have a siesta and read about the collapse of the Euro

    A GREEK CORPORATION
    You lease 2 cows and pay somebody 3 times the going rate to milk them using
    borrowed money.
    You refinance the 4 cows to secure the services of Goldman Sachs. They sell
    the future milk production of the 60 cows and fund your lifestyle.
    You retire to anywhere that doesn't use the Euro.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the cr_ap out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive.

    AN ARGENTINIAN CORPORATION
    You don't have any cows.
    But you claim sovereignty over the ones belonging to your neighbour

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  8. #18788
    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure.

    A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
    "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
    Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.."
    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
    Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the sheets

    She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around;
    she examines them closely and then gently replaces his gown and sheets.

    She reassuringly tells the man, "Sir, there's nothing wrong with them."

    With great difficulty and pain, the man slowly reaches up and pulls off his oxygen mask... With an unusually contented smile,
    He says "Thank you very much. That was wonderful! But listen to me very, very carefully."


    "ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?”






  9. #18789
    From the American Association






    Of Retired People

    Q:Where can men over the age
    of 60 find younger, sexy
    women who are interested
    in them?























    A:Try a bookstore under fiction.






















    Q:What can a man do while his
    wife is going through
    menopause?























    A:Keep busy. If you're handy with
    tools, you can finish the basement.
    When you're done you'll have a
    place to live.























    Q:Someone has told me that
    menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?Where it
    befound?






















    A:Yes. Matthew 14:92:
    "And Mary rode Joseph's ass
    all the way to Egypt ....."























    Q:How can you increase the
    heart rate of your 60-plus
    year old husband?























    A:Tell him you're pregnant.






















    Q:How can you avoid that
    terrible curse of the elderly
    wrinkles?























    A:Take off your glasses.






















    Q:Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?






















    A:Go braless. It will usually pull them out.






















    Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?






















    A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.






















    Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?






















    A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.






















    Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?






















    A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.






















    Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?






















    A:On their foreheads.






















    Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?






















    A:"Gosh, I remember these!"






















    SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!





























  10. #18790
    An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.




    The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a ***** that was on 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

    As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.


    Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.


    Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.


    The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the *****"

    "Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"


    "Well" The vet replied

    "IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!!!"




  11. #18791
    Proof that Men Have Better Friends..

    Friendship among Women:
    A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
    she told her husband that she had slept over at a
    friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
    friends. None of them knew anything about it.

    Friendship among Men:
    A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
    told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
    house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
    Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.


  12. #18792
    Craig List


    YOU ARE PROBABLY NOT VERY INTERESTED IN ANY USED FARM EQUIPMENT BUT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIGS LIST.

    FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1 ( WASHINGTON , D.C. )

    Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the USvia Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. Apparently it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really sling the manure for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader next November.

    I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.


    Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington , D.C.


  13. #18793
    Quote Originally Posted by Ed Palmer View Post
    Craig List

    YOU ARE PROBABLY NOT VERY INTERESTED IN ANY USED FARM EQUIPMENT BUT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIGS LIST.

    FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1 ( WASHINGTON , D.C. )

    Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the USvia Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. Apparently it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really sling the manure for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader next November.

    I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.


    Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington , D.C.
    Damn. I used SearchTempest to try and locate this post, but there were too damn many other Manure Spreaders out there. Must be Democrats.

    I found a partial list of Sources:
    http://houston.craigslist.org/grd/2911650092.html
    http://austin.craigslist.org/for/2958389169.html
    http://sanantonio.craigslist.org/grd/2883836488.html
    http://panamacity.craigslist.org/for/2884945555.html
    http://mattoon.craigslist.org/grd/2958035054.html
    http://tricities.craigslist.org/grd/2887239601.html
    http://orlando.craigslist.org/for/2934550838.html
    http://westslope.craigslist.org/grd/2906538061.html

    Last edited by jp2usmc; 04-16-12 at 11:54 AM.
    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  14. #18794
    A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
    The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
    ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

    "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  15. #18795
    Rodeo sex - when you're doing your girl doggie style and whisper in her ear "your sister likes it this way too". Then you have to try to stay on for 8 seconds while she is bucking/kicking to get out!

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

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