Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1252
  1. #18766
    Marine Family Free Member Marinemom32's Avatar
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    But we do get drugs for childbirth and a baby is the end result.


  2. #18767
    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

    In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.


    He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.


    As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.


    After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.


    The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.


    The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.


    Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'


    The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'm guessing our son-in-law.'

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  3. #18768
    Road Signs for the Dazed and Confused





  4. #18769
    Funny Engrish








  5. #18770
    The Haircut

    A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

    His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

    The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.


    After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

    The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."



    (You're going to love the Dad's reply!)





    "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

























  6. #18771
    A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.


    Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.


    Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.


    'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.


    'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.


    'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Yeget three wishes, so whaddya want?'


    'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'


    And the golfer walks off.


    'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.


    I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want: a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'


    A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.


    'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here', the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'


    'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'


    'You might not be surprised to know that I did that for yer!' The Leprechaun said. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'


    'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'


    'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'


    The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'


    C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'


    Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'


    'What?' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'


    'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  7. #18772
    I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

    I noticed two large women by the bar.

    They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are
    you two ladies from Scotland?"
    One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
    So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are
    you two whales from Scotland ?"
    Then the lights went out....
























  8. #18773
    My wife found out that our dog, [a Schnauzer], could hardly hear, so she took it to the Veterinarian. The Vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, & the dog could then hear fine. The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, “if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store & get some ‘Nair’ hair remover & rub it in the dog's ears once a month.” Andrea went to the store & bought some ‘Nair’ hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”


  9. #18774
    AMAZING HUMAN BODY

    It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

    One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

    The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

    Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

    A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

    There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

    Women blink twice as often as men.

    The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

    Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

    If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
    Women will be finished reading this by now.

    Men are still busy checking their thumbs.


  10. #18775
    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of The Night."

    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."


    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner.

    The man chuckled
    and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  11. #18776
    two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

    Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

    Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

    When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

    So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

    The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

    The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

    That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"


  12. #18777
    SEX BY THE NUMBERS





    When 3 people have sex together , it's called a threesome !
    When 2 people have sex together , it's called a twosome !

    Now I know why people calls you handsome !


  13. #18778
    Just passing this along!!!!!

    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • A Muslim officer crying "Allah Akbar" while shooting up an army base is considered to have committed "Workplace Violence" while an American citizen boasting a Ron Paul bumper sticker is classified as a "Domestic Terrorist".
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend more money.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • A seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his teacher "cute" but hosting a sexual exploration class on a college campus is perfectly acceptable.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • The Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts cannot display the 10 Commandments in their courtroom, while sitting in front of a display of the 10 Commandments.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if..
    • Children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug addicts are left to rot in filth infested cesspools.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and government intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid and subsidized housing.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • The government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide 99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work).
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • Being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • Politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the constitution is really protecting the rights of the people.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if..
    • The rights of the State come before the rights of the individual.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • Parents believe the State is responsible for providing for their children.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • You can write a post like this just by reading the news headlines.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • You pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big screen TV while your neighbor defaults on his mortgage (while buying iphones, TV's and new cars) and the government forgives his debt and reduces his mortgage (with your tax dollars).
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • Your government can add anything they want to your kid's water (fluoride, chlorine, etc.) but you are not allowed to give them raw milk.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe".
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • You have to have your parents signature to go on a field trip but not to get an abortion.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • You can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for being in the country illegally.
    You know you live in Upside-down Land if...
    • Using the "N" word is considered "hate speech" but writing and singing songs about raping women and killing cops is considered "art".
    Unfortunately, this list could go on and on. Our world has been turned upside-down. We are in distress.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  14. #18779

  15. #18780
    Don't say this to a cop

    The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

    20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

    19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

    18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

    17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

    16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

    15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

    14. Bad cop. No donut.

    13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

    12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

    11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

    10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

    9. I pay your salary

    8. So uh, you on the take or what?

    7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

    6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

    5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

    4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

    3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

    2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

    1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?



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