Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1248
  1. #18706
    Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

    "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

    Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"


  2. #18707
    An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

    She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
    She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
    "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

    MORAL OF THE STORY


    Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ...

    but all men...
    are men!



  3. #18708

    The Hillbilly Vasectomy

    > After
    >
    > their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that
    >
    > was enough, but they could not afford a larger
    >
    > bed.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > So
    >
    > the husband went to his veterinarian and told him
    >
    > that he and his cousin didn't want to have any
    >
    > more children.

    > The doctor told him that there was a procedure called
    >
    > a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it
    >
    > was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said
    >
    > the doctor, 'is to go home, get a
    >
    > cherry bomb , (fireworks are legal in
    >
    > Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer
    >
    > can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and
    >
    > count to
    >
    > 10.'
    >
    > The
    >
    > Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the
    >
    > smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how
    >
    > putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear
    >
    > is going to help me.'
    >
    > 'Trust me,' said the doctor.
    > So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
    > He held the can up to his ear and began to
    >
    > count!
    > '1'
    >
    > '2'
    >
    > '3'
    >
    > '4'
    >
    > '5'
    > At which point he paused, placed the beer can between
    > his legs and continued counting on his other
    > hand.
    > This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky ,
    >
    > Louisiana, Arkansas , Mississippi, Parts of
    >
    > Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia ,
    >
    > AND All of Washington DC


  4. #18709
    Prostate check-up...

    An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

    The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great".
    Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

    The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

    The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...




  5. #18710
    While walking down the street one day a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter.
    "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
    We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


    "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really?
    I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," saysthe Senator.


    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."


    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.


    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.


    In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. hey run to greet him, shake his hand, andreminisce about the good times
    they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.


    They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.


    Also present is the devil, a very friendly guy, looks a lot like Obama, and is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.


    They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.


    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...


    So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
    They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.


    "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."


    The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
    "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."


    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...


    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.


    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.


    "I don't understand," stammers the Senator.
    "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster andcaviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
    Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


    The devil smiles at him and says,

    "Yesterday we were campaigning,


    Today, you voted.."


    Vote wiselyon

    November 2,
    2012












  6. #18711
    Dear Employees :

    As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to
    the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and
    government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases,





    our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

    But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the
    dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.





    This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here




    and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

    So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots
    and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars





    and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go.




    I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.



    They voted for change......I gave it to them.

    I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.





  7. #18712

    The Master Sergeant

    The Master Sergeant

    The family of a retired Marine Master Sergeant with 37 years in
    The Corps reluctantly decided that at age 92, he needed more care than
    They could provide. The only decent place close to their home was a
    Nursing home for retired soldiers.

    They approached the facility and were told that, while Army vets got
    First choice, they would take vets of the other services if there
    Happened to be an opening; which, by good fortune, there was.

    A week after placing the retired Marine there, his sons came to visit.
    "How do you like it here, Pop?" they asked.

    "It's wonderful," said the old Jarhead. "Great chow, lots to do, and
    They treat everyone with great respect."

    "How so, Pop?"

    "Well, take Harry, across the hall, 88 and was in the Air Force. He
    Hasn't worn the uniform in 30 years, but they still call him 'General.'

    Then George, down the hall, used to lead the Army band. Hasn't conducted
    A note in 40 years, but they still call him 'Maestro!'.

    And Bob used to be a surgeon in the Navy, he has not operated on anyone in
    20 years, but they still call him 'Doctor' "

    "That's fine for the other guys, Pop, but how do they treat you?"

    "Me? They treat me with even more respect. I'm 92, haven't had sex in 20
    Years, and they still call me, 'That F___ing Marine.' "

    SEMPER FI
    __________________


  8. #18713
    Whoever thought this out is nothing less than a genius The Muslims are not happy! They're not happy in Gaza. They're not happy in Egypt. They're not happy in Libya. They're not happy in Morocco. They're not happy in Iran. They're not happy in Iraq. They're not happy in Yemen. They're not happy in Afghanistan. They're not happy in Pakistan. They're not happy in Syria. They're not happy in Lebanon.So,where are they happy?

    They're happy in Australia. They're happy in England. They're happy in France. They're happy in Italy. They're happy in Germany. They're happy in Sweden. They're happy in the USA. They're happy in Norway.
    They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.And who do they blame?

    Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves.

    THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
    AND THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEM TO BE LIKE THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY.

    Excuse me, but

    How dumb can you get?


  9. #18714
    Quote Originally Posted by Ed Palmer View Post
    Whoever thought this out is nothing less than a genius The Muslims are not happy! They're not happy in Gaza. They're not happy in Egypt. They're not happy in Libya. They're not happy in Morocco. They're not happy in Iran. They're not happy in Iraq. They're not happy in Yemen. They're not happy in Afghanistan. They're not happy in Pakistan. They're not happy in Syria. They're not happy in Lebanon.So,where are they happy?

    They're happy in Australia. They're happy in England. They're happy in France. They're happy in Italy. They're happy in Germany. They're happy in Sweden. They're happy in the USA. They're happy in Norway.
    They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.And who do they blame?

    Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves.

    THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
    AND THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEM TO BE LIKE THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY.

    Excuse me, but

    How dumb can you get?
    I'm going to copy and paste that to my FB page.


  10. #18715
    Marine Free Member Rob Parry's Avatar
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    A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

    The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

    The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."


  11. #18716
    I went in for an exam and found the doctor to be a beautiful, young woman.

    She told me I needed to stop masturbating.

    I asked "why"?

    She said because she was trying to give me an exam.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  12. #18717
    HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059


    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

    White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

    Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern US crops & livestock.

    Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

    Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

    Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

    France pleads for global help after being t! aken over by Jamaica .. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

    Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


    George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.


    Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

    85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

    Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

    Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

    Abortion clinics now available in every High School in the United States .


    Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

    Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

    Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


    A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony,
    They Had simultaneous Headaches.


    Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with Only 3 illegitimate children.

    New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060..


    IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent..


    Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.


    Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very scared.

    I Love This Country!

    It's The Government That Scares Me!

    Stop organized crime.
    Re-elect no one.


  13. #18718

    Wedding Proposal

    Thank you Ed







  14. #18719
    Gun Scare

    You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.

    My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache!"

    By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

    In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

    In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

    In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

    In Colorado and Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

    In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

    In Louisiana and Mississippi he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

    In Texas, he’d be called “destitute.”

    In Alabama, he's just "Bubba" who's short on ammo.

    And in Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  15. #18720
    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.


    His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp


    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.


    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.


    "That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."


    "That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."


    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"


    That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


    ************************************************** ******************************************


    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.


    A cop pulls him over.


    "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"


    "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.


    "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."


    "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.


    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"


    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


    ************************************************** ******************************************


    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.


    "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".


    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"


    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."


    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."


    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."


    Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"


    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."


    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"


    "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."


    ************************************************** ******************************************


    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.


    He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"


    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."


    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"


    She says, "That he did, Father."


    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"


    She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


    ************************************************** ******************************************


    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.


    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.


    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.


    The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knocking. There's no paper on this side either!"

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

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