Chuckles of the Day...

[b2542]

While walking down the street one day a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter.
"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?
I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," saysthe Senator.


"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.


The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.


In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. hey run to greet him, shake his hand, andreminisce about the good times
they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.


They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.


Also present is the devil, a very friendly guy, looks a lot like Obama, and is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.


They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”


So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.


"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."


The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."


So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...


Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.


The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.


"I don't understand," stammers the Senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster andcaviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning,


Today, you voted.."


Vote wiselyon

November 2,2012

[David R 1968]

Dear Employees : As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them. I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

[acg8276]

The Master Sergeant

The family of a retired Marine Master Sergeant with 37 years in
The Corps reluctantly decided that at age 92, he needed more care than
They could provide. The only decent place close to their home was a
Nursing home for retired soldiers.

They approached the facility and were told that, while Army vets got
First choice, they would take vets of the other services if there
Happened to be an opening; which, by good fortune, there was.

A week after placing the retired Marine there, his sons came to visit.
"How do you like it here, Pop?" they asked.

"It's wonderful," said the old Jarhead. "Great chow, lots to do, and
They treat everyone with great respect."

"How so, Pop?"

"Well, take Harry, across the hall, 88 and was in the Air Force. He
Hasn't worn the uniform in 30 years, but they still call him 'General.'

Then George, down the hall, used to lead the Army band. Hasn't conducted
A note in 40 years, but they still call him 'Maestro!'.

And Bob used to be a surgeon in the Navy, he has not operated on anyone in
20 years, but they still call him 'Doctor' "

"That's fine for the other guys, Pop, but how do they treat you?"

"Me? They treat me with even more respect. I'm 92, haven't had sex in 20
Years, and they still call me, 'That F___ing Marine.' "

SEMPER FI
__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Whoever thought this out is nothing less than a genius The Muslims are not happy! They're not happy in Gaza. They're not happy in Egypt. They're not happy in Libya. They're not happy in Morocco. They're not happy in Iran. They're not happy in Iraq. They're not happy in Yemen. They're not happy in Afghanistan. They're not happy in Pakistan. They're not happy in Syria. They're not happy in Lebanon.So,where are they happy?

They're happy in Australia. They're happy in England. They're happy in France. They're happy in Italy. They're happy in Germany. They're happy in Sweden. They're happy in the USA. They're happy in Norway.
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.And who do they blame?

Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
AND THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEM TO BE LIKE THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY.

Excuse me, but

How dumb can you get?

[EGTSpec]

Whoever thought this out is nothing less than a genius The Muslims are not happy! They're not happy in Gaza. They're not happy in Egypt. They're not happy in Libya. They're not happy in Morocco. They're not happy in Iran. They're not happy in Iraq. They're not happy in Yemen. They're not happy in Afghanistan. They're not happy in Pakistan. They're not happy in Syria. They're not happy in Lebanon.So,where are they happy?

They're happy in Australia. They're happy in England. They're happy in France. They're happy in Italy. They're happy in Germany. They're happy in Sweden. They're happy in the USA. They're happy in Norway.
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.And who do they blame?

Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
AND THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEM TO BE LIKE THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY.

Excuse me, but

How dumb can you get?

I'm going to copy and paste that to my FB page.

[Rob Parry]

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

[jp2usmc]

I went in for an exam and found the doctor to be a beautiful, young woman.

She told me I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked "why"?

She said because she was trying to give me an exam.

[Ed Palmer]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern US crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being t! aken over by Jamaica .. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in the United States .


Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony,
They Had simultaneous Headaches.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with Only 3 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060..


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent..


Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.


Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very scared.

I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares Me!

Stop organized crime.
Re-elect no one.

[Marine1955]

Thank you Ed

[jp2usmc]

Gun Scare

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache!"

By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Colorado and Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Louisiana and Mississippi he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

In Texas, he’d be called “destitute.”

In Alabama, he's just "Bubba" who's short on ammo.

And in Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

[jp2usmc]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.


His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp


"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.


"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.


"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."


"That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."


"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"


That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


************************************************** ******************************************


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.


A cop pulls him over.


"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"


"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.


"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."


"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.


"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


************************************************** ******************************************


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.


"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".


"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"


"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."


"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."


"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."


Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"


"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."


"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"


"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."


************************************************** ******************************************


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.


He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"


She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."


The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"


She says, "That he did, Father."


The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"


She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


************************************************** ******************************************


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.


The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.


Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.


The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knocking. There's no paper on this side either!"

[Marine1955]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.


His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp


"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.


"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.


"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."


"That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."


"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"


That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


************************************************** ******************************************


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.


A cop pulls him over.


"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"


"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.


"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."


"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.


"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


************************************************** ******************************************


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.


"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".


"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"


"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."


"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."


"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."


Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"


"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."


"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"


"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."


************************************************** ******************************************


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.


He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"


She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."


The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"


She says, "That he did, Father."


The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"


She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


************************************************** ******************************************


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.


The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.


Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.


The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knocking. There's no paper on this side either!"

Well said laddie well said

[advanced]

First Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'




The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'



The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'



The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'



The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[awbrown1462]

[David R 1968]

Suppose you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five-minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating b a s t a r d s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?