Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1246
  1. #18676
    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

    *********************************
    MALE PROCEDURE:
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    *******************************
    FEMALE PROCEDURE:

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.


    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  2. #18677
    I was in a pub last night and saw two large girls by the bar.

    They both had strange accents so I said, "Hello Are you two girls from Scotland?"

    One of them screamed, "Its WALES you idiot!"

    So I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  3. #18678
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  4. #18679
    Quote Originally Posted by thedrifter View Post
    an 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
    count.
    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "take this jar home and
    bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

    the next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
    and gave him the jar; which was as clean and empty as on the previous
    day.
    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "well, doc, it's
    like
    this-first i tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then i tried with
    my
    left hand, but still nothing. Then i asked my wife for help. She tried
    with
    her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her
    mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
    nothing.
    We even
    called up arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both
    hands,
    then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
    still
    nothing."

    the doctor was shocked! "you asked your neighbor?"

    the old man replied, "yep, and no matter what we tried, we still
    couldn't get the jar open."


    and what were you thinking????

    Sempers,

    roger

    LOL. Like that one.


  5. #18680
    A real woman is a man's best friend.




    She will never stand him up and never let him down.




    She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
    after a bad day




    .
    She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.





    She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.




    She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
    handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...







    No wait...Sorry.

    I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that ****.

    Never mind.



  6. #18681
    Whiskey does have a lot of qualities, especially when the women get prettier at closing time.


  7. #18682


    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  8. #18683
    This is more like one of those "warm fuzzy feeling" chuckles:




    ...unless you and your wife don't get along very well.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  9. #18684
    Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

    the second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

    "i can handle that without a problem" the other nun replied and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

    The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

    "we use beer for washing our hair. "the nun said, "back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo."

    without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter.pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

    He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house. Have a wonderful afternoon".


  10. #18685
    A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each
    other on a long flight.

    The lawyer thinks that since seniors are missing a few mental marbles, he can get
    one over on them easily.

    So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a
    fun game, just to help pass the time on the flight.

    The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so
    he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

    The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot
    of fun...."I ask you a question,
    and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then
    you ask me one, and if I don't know the
    answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
    This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the
    lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance
    from the Earth to the Moon?"

    The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his
    pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands
    it to the lawyer.

    Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
    hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

    The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find
    on the Net.

    He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to
    no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

    He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior
    pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

    The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes
    the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
    comes down with four?"

    The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and
    goes back to sleep.




  11. #18686
    A Navy SEAL walks into a Marine bar near Camp LeJeune and announces loudly, "I hear you Marines are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll pay five hundred dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots of Jack Daniels back-to-back." The room falls quiet and no one takes the SEAL's offer.


    One Marine gets up and leaves.


    Thirty minutes later, the same Marine who left shows back up and taps the SEAL on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Marine.


    "Yep," replies the SEAL; and he asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Jack Daniels.


    Immediately, the Marine slams all ten shots, drinking them all back-to-back. The other bar patrons cheer as the SEAL sits down in amazement.


    The SEAL pays the Marine the five hundred dollars and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?"




    The Marine replies, "Oh .. I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first!"

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  12. #18687
    STAR TREK The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met U.S. General Patraeus. They shook hands. As they walked the Iranian said:
    "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
    The General said,
    "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
    The Iranian whispered,
    "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
    The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
    "That's because it takes place in the future".


  13. #18688
    Daylight savings time:



    Last edited by acg8276; 03-12-12 at 04:42 AM. Reason: add

  14. #18689
    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello?'

    'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

    'Speaking.'

    'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Value for Money Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the Lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

    'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

    'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. Unfortunately, we can't tell which is which.'

    'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

    'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

    'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

    'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town, and if he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  15. #18690
    A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00.
    He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin.
    It's mid-winter.............and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
    These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
    They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something
    for the decoys to float on.

    Now..................making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more

    power than the average drill auger can produce.
    So...............out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

    Our two Rocket Scientists............afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting

    the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light
    the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

    Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...?

    Let's talk about the dog:
    A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.
    You guessed it............
    The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning
    40-second fuse................
    just as it hits the ice.

    The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble

    stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.
    The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
    One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.
    The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

    The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.

    Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified,
    thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!

    The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

    The men continue to scream as they run.

    The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end.............he yelps,
    drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

    Then - KABOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

    The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with

    'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.

    The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.

    And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

    The dog is okay....doing fine.

    And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.....




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