Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1244
  1. #18646
    Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
    soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't
    ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

    One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old person is
    going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

    Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
    the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass. Then in a
    loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

    One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling asx-holes."

    Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
    two left."

    Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid.


  2. #18647
    During lunch yesterday, I transported my bike home from the shop in my little truck.

    I had a Marine Corps League meeting that evening, and I needed to bring in a few remaining boxes from our Toys For Tots campaign.

    Rain was in the forecast, the truck has no top, and toys were in the back of the truck.

    While donning my motorcycle jacket, I told the wife I'd be coming back after work to get the truck to take the toys in.

    "What? You aren't going to bring your girlfriend?" she asked in her sarcastic voice.

    "Of course not," I replied. "There's no place to put all those toys."

    Probably not that funny, I guess.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  3. #18648
    AN AUSSIE stockman and his wife had just got married. He’d left everything till the last minute so they found a nice hotel after their wedding and hoped to wing it. The man approached the front desk and said, “We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed.”

    The clerk winked and asked, “You want the bridal?”

    The drover reflected on this for a moment and replied, “Nah, I reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.”

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  4. #18649

  5. #18650
    There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola,
    whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year
    Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

    Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through
    their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the
    priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

    Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
    acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above
    Timothy Murphy in all respects.

    Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally
    Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew
    that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who
    would become the next Pope.

    In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
    In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the
    chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

    The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn
    that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

    Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even
    with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

    With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private
    session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

    After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man
    and rose to reply.

    "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought
    of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!
















  6. #18651
    A man checks into a motel, gets his key and says to the clerk, "I want the porn channels in my room to be completely disabled." She replies, "We only have one kind of porn at this establishment, you sick bastard!"


    key word


  7. #18652
    FIVE MEMBERS
    A man walks into a doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the physician. "It's, well, I have five penises," replies the man. "Holy crap!" says the doctor, "How do your pants fit?" "Like a glove."


  8. #18653
    Marine Family Free Member Marinemom32's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ed Palmer View Post
    A man checks into a motel, gets his key and says to the clerk, "I want the porn channels in my room to be completely disabled." She replies, "We only have one kind of porn at this establishment, you sick bastard!"


    key word
    I don't get it...


  9. #18654
    Marinemom32 are you blonde or naive ?


  10. #18655
    Marine Family Free Member Marinemom32's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by David R 1968 View Post
    Marinemom32 are you blonde or naive ?

    haha I guess I am naive, cuz I am not blonde OK I think I finally got it..did she think he wanted handicapped porn?


  11. #18656

  12. #18657
    Marine Family Free Member Marinemom32's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by David R 1968 View Post
    You got it.
    I may take me a minute but I will get it eventually


  13. #18658
    High School Reunions

    Every five years, as summertime nears,
    An announcement arrives in the mail,
    "A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand;
    Make plans to attend without fail."

    I'll never forget the first time we met;
    We tried so hard to impress.
    We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,
    And wore our most elegant dress.

    It was quite an affair; the whole class was there.
    It was held at a fancy hotel.
    We wined and we dined and we acted refined,
    And everyone thought it was swell.

    The men all conversed about who had been first
    To achieve great fortune and fame.
    Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses
    And how beautiful their children became.

    The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,
    Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.
    The jocks who were there had all lost their hair,
    And the cheerleaders could no more do kicks.

    No one had heard about the class nerd
    Who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon;
    Or poor little Jane, who'd always been plain;
    She married a shipping tycoon.

    The boy we'd decreed "most apt to succeed"
    Was serving ten years in the pen,
    While the one voted "least" now was a priest;
    Shows you can be wrong now and then.

    They awarded a prize to one of the guys
    Who seemed to have aged the least.
    Another was given to the grad who had driven
    The farthest to attend the feast.

    They took a class picture, a curious mixture
    Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.
    Tall, short or skinny, the style was the mini;
    You never saw so many thighs.

    At our next get-together, no one cared whether
    They impressed their classmates or not.
    The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal;
    By this time we'd all gone to pot.

    It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores;
    We ate hamburgers, coleslaw and beans.
    Then most of us lay around in the shade,
    In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.

    By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear,
    We were definitely over the hill.
    Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,
    And be home in time for their pill.

    And now I can't wait; they've just set the date;
    Our fiftieth is coming, I'm told.
    It should be a ball, they've rented a hall
    At the shady Rest Home for the old.

    Repairs have been made on my hearing aid;
    My pacemaker's been turned up on high.
    My wheelchair is oiled, my teeth have been boiled;
    And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.

    I'm feeling quite hearty, I'm ready to party;
    I'll dance 'til the dawn's early light.
    It'll be lots of fun; I just hope there's one
    Other person who gets there that nght.


    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  14. #18659
    Quote Originally Posted by David R 1968 View Post
    Marinemom32 are you blonde or naive ?
    Thanks Dave I thought I was starting another fight


  15. #18660
    Don't Trust Older Women



    I'll confess,
    I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night.
    She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
    In fact, she wasn't too bad at all,
    and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
    We drank a couple of beers,
    and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
    'What's that? I asked.
    'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
    As my mind began to embrace the idea,
    and I wondered what her daughter might look like,
    I said, 'No, I haven't.'
    We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink,
    'tonight's your lucky night'.
    We went back to her place.
    We walked in.
    She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
    'Mom...you still awake?'

































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